


Weight of the World

by KaylaRachille



Series: We'll Bare This Weight Together (An Asher/JJ Story) [1]
Category: All American (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Apologies, Best Friends, Blood, Blood and Injury, Boyfriends, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Anguish, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Strained Friendships, Strained Relationships, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:16:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 57,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaylaRachille/pseuds/KaylaRachille
Summary: Asher is spiraling after his breakup with Olivia. But how far will he spiral downward before someone notices and helps him?Snippet from Chapter Eight:“So, how have things been between you and Olivia?” She asks realizing she doesn’t really know anything about her son’s life other than he tried to kill himself and that now he is trying his hardest to live again.“We broke up right after I came back from your and Jacob’s wedding,” Asher explains even though it still hurts when he thinks about his and Olivia’s break up.“Oh, honey I’m so sorry to hear that,” Gwen tells her son mentally kicking herself as the thought that they may have broken up had never crossed her mind.“Thanks. It was hard at first but now things are good between me and Liv.” Asher is quick to assure her since he and Olivia are now going to be okay.“That’s good,” Gwen says with a nod before she makes a right turn. “So, is there another special girl or guy in your life right now?” She asks tapping her thumbs nervously against the steering wheel.“Mom…” Asher says trailing off as he shakes his head at his mom’s question.(Set during Season Three)
Relationships: Asher Adams & JJ Parker, Asher Adams & Jordan Baker, Asher Adams & Olivia Baker, Asher Adams/JJ Parker, Olivia Baker/Spencer James
Series: We'll Bare This Weight Together (An Asher/JJ Story) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170125
Comments: 62
Kudos: 44





	1. I'm Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> **  
> Chapter One - _I'm Not Okay_ Summary:** It has been over two months since Asher and Olivia have broken up and since they have spoken a word to each other. Jordan and JJ reach out to their friend in hopes of helping him through the breakup. But with the weight of everything that has happened pressing down on him Asher knows it's just a matter of time before he breaks. 
> 
> Hi, y’all! 😊
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new story and I hope that it finds each of you doing well! So, I wasn’t actually planning on posting anything new until the new year, but I have had the idea for this story for a few weeks now and I just started writing it when I felt the inspiration call for it! So, here we go! ;D
> 
> So, this story will be set during season three which I kind of foresee will involve a breakup between Asher and Olivia (although I am keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t happen.) And this is my take on what could possibly transpire which I highly doubt it will play out in the show like this, but I have had a lot of fun writing this one so far. And also, since listening to an interview with Spencer Paysinger and how he was saying that in season three they are going to focus a lot on mental health in the storylines. Which I personally feel is a topic that deserves so much more discussion and recognition. Although honestly, they did such an amazing job with that task with Layla’s storyline in season two. 
> 
> I hope that you all will enjoy this story that I have written as I feel it was of the best ones that I have posted so far! 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3
> 
> The story title was taken from one of my favorite band’s _Citizen Solider_ song _Weight of the World_. And the title for this chapter comes from their song _I’m Not Okay_ So, if you would like something to listen to while you read my story then I highly recommend them because they are great! :D 
> 
> Please Note: This story does contain several potentially triggering topics for some readers which I will do my best to tag accordingly in the above story tags and warn of them in a note in the author’s note before each chapter. And in this chapter all of the above tags will apply. So, please read with extreme and extra caution and care if any of the situations in the tags apply to you because this story is going to get pretty dark. <3 
> 
> P.S. I hope to have the next chapter up really soon for you guys to enjoy! I am not for sure just yet how many chapters will be included in this story though. Enjoy! <3 
> 
> P.S.S. Are y'all as excited for the season three premiere of All American as I am? We have only about twenty more days left! :D

On a Tuesday evening in early October long after the other Beverly football players have showered and left the locker room for home Asher is still working out alone as even the janitor has finished his cleaning for the day. He is still mostly there because he knows now with Spencer back at Crenshaw and that he is once again the starting wide receiver that he needs to be in tip-top shape for every game and part of him doesn’t want to go home to an empty house were the only occupants are him and his spiraling thoughts.

So, instead of going home like his sore muscles would love for him to he drags his tired body over to the treadmill for his daily after practice hour-long run at the max speed. Taking in a deep breath he puts in his earbuds turning his music up loud before he starts his run forgetting about everything with each hit of his sneakers against the rubber treadmill track.

That he and Olivia are now broken up for what he knows is the final time.

That he hasn’t talked to his mom since her and Jacob’s wedding at the end of the summer.

That his dad is always constantly asking how practices are going or giving him advice on how he can improve his football skills.

That he is just waiting for the moment that everything is going to crash down again and that he isn’t so sure he will be able to get back up this time.

But of course, the distraction from his thoughts only last as long as the moment between his inhale and exhale of a shuddering breath does before, they consume him again. Shaking his head out of frustration he turns his music up a few notches as he tries another attempt at drowning out the thoughts that are always running through his mind to remind him of how much of a failure he is.

With his legs trembling from his run Asher rips his earbuds out of his ears looping them around his neck and then turning off his iPod before he sloppily steps off of the track finding it slick with his sweat causing him to almost tumble to the ground before he regains his footing grabbing his towel from the weight bench to wipe away the sweat that is running down his face.

As his breath starts to slowly return to his burning lungs with each step, he takes closer to his locker he swallows down the bile at the back of his throat tasting its bitter flavor when he does. Out of habit he instantly checks his phone when he picks it up out of his locker for any new notifications but unsurprisingly, he finds none before he places it back onto the metal shelf face down.

He reaches his hand back behind his extra football equipment for the spare bottle of deodorant he is sure he put in there after football season started when his fingers grasped around something small and glass.

 _No, it can’t be._ He thinks as he jerks his hand back as if the object had shocked him before his reflexes have him reaching for it again.

 _This could help me this season since there will be scouts at most of the games_. He reasons once he pulls out the vial of steroids that he had somehow forgotten were still in his locker.

 _But I can’t risk getting caught again._ He reminds himself as he remembers how the new football coach was reluctant to let him back on the team before Olivia talked to her dad before they had broken up and Coach Baker convinced the new Beverly Eagles coach to give him a second chance.

 _But she won’t notice or neither will anyone else this time._ He tells himself as he thinks about how him and Olivia are broken up and how he and Jordan and the rest of the team haven’t really talked outside of practices. And his parents could care less since his mom is gone on her month-long honeymoon with Jacob and his dad is always at work since he has traded bottles of alcohol for long hours at the office.

 _Maybe I could use again before the next game just in a smaller amount so that my progress won’t be so noticeable this time._ He decides as he places the vial beside the few syringes, he has left over from last semester hiding his assurance at getting a scholarship underneath his football equipment where he found them before his phone vibrates against the metal shelf signaling that he has received a text.

Unlocking his phone, he opens the text without looking to see who sent it since his inbox lately has mostly been empty except for the occasional vague group texts from the team about practices and team hangouts that he has mostly ignored as his breath catches in his throat when his eyes read the sender’s name.

 _Olivia. Why would she be texting me?_ He wonders before he scans his eyes over her short message.

 _We need to talk. Meet me on the bleachers_. Is all her texts says void of any of the usual emojis that would always follow her words. But not that it really surprises him since they aren’t together anymore and she no longer sends him paragraph-long texts followed by at least two lines of various colored heart emojis.

 _Okay._ He quickly replies before he slams his locker door shut hiding his secret behind the dark blue metal and the combination lock which he knows that anyone could easily figure out since his combination is Olivia’s birthday.

Shouldering his duffel bag that seems overly heavy resting against his bruised shoulder from a hit he took earlier at practice he walks out of the locker room remembering to lock the door before it slams shut behind him as he stuffs his hands into the pocket of his Beverly High football hoodie even though they are sweaty wishing that he would have showered before agreeing to meet with Olivia.

Letting out a long sigh he walks up the steps with his calve muscles and his hamstrings screaming at him with each step he takes all the way to the top of the bleachers where she is sitting wearing the same black and white outfit that she wore the day she agreed to me so that they could talk about the secret they shared about their hookup that seems like a million years ago now.

“Hi.” Olivia greets him after he sits down next to her on the bleachers as she continues to look out across the empty football field.

“Hey,” Asher says in a low tone about to repeat it because he thinks she hasn’t heard him when she turns toward him meeting his gaze.

“Are you okay?” She asks the question that has been playing over and over in her mind since the night she broke up with him and he left without a word.

“I’m fine.” He answers with his brow furrowing in confusion at her question and even deeper at her concerned tone.

“I mean we haven’t really talked since we broke up.” She explains with a shrug as she starts to twirl a lock of her curly hair around her index finger that has always been a nervous habit of hers.

 _We haven’t talked in sixty-three days two hours and eleven minutes. But who’s keeping count anyway?_ He thinks almost amused at how them not talking has been on his mind pretty much every second since he walked out of her bedroom without a look back.

“Since _you_ broke up with _me_.” He corrects feeling angry at himself when he hears the edge in his voice since being an ass to her is the last thing he wants to do now because he has done that too many times to count in the past. “Look Olivia I’m not your problem anymore. So, you don’t have to worry about me or try to save me.” He tells her breaking their eye contact as he turns his gaze toward the football field as the field lights automatically kick on under the dusk-colored evening sky.

“Asher you’re still my friend and I still care about you.” She assures him letting her hand hover in midair above his sweatshirt covered arm before she pulls it back without touching him as she folds her hands together in her lap instead.

“I don’t think we can be friends anymore though.” He admits pressing his lips into a thin line before he takes a cautious glance in her direction.

“Why not?” She asks unable to hide the hurt from her voice.

“I mean maybe someday we can be friends again. But right now, I think we both need our space to find out who we are as people.” He explains his heart breaking a little more with each word as he realizes it’s the last thing that he wants but he knows it’s for her best interest to move on.

“Someday.” She says the word slowly the weight of the unknown falling heavily onto her shoulders as he nods in agreement.

“I should get home.” He states as he shoulders his duffel bag making a move to stand up before her familiar hand on his forearm stops him.

“And I also wanted to tell you that Spencer and I are together now.” She tells him with a gleam of something shining in her beautiful brown eyes that he can’t quite decipher before its replaced with a look of nervousness and maybe regret as she bites on her bottom lip.

“Congratulations.” He whispers swallowing down the lump that suddenly forms in his throat and blinking away the tears that are now burning his eyes at the news. “I am glad that you have finally found someone who is going to put you first.” He tells her honestly before he gets up abruptly leaving her alone on the bleachers as his heart pounds in his ears as he almost runs down the steps as she calls out to him.

But this time unlike every other time before he doesn’t answer her call even though he wants nothing more but to run back up to the top of the bleachers and hold her tightly in his arms and to tell her that she is the most important person in his life. But he can’t do that now or maybe ever again, so instead he throws his bag into his back seat not caring when it falls onto the floorboard as he screams against his closed fist that he presses against his mouth to keep the tears from falling and the anguish inside but he fails miserably as the sobs wrack his body.

 _Of course, she finally got tired of my fucking ass and found someone that would treat her right like she has always deserved_. The same thought plays over and over in his mind which is the only truth that he can believe at this moment.

With tears still streaming down his face, he hopes that Olivia made it back to her car before she got soaked by the rain that is now pelting against his windshield before he backs out of his parking spot across from the locker room door. 

_I am going to try my hardest to get a scholarship so I can get out of this town and then maybe for once someone will be proud of me._ He thinks warily as he wipes away his tears angrily with the back of his hand swallowing down the fear that he will once again fail.

 _Or maybe they will be glad just to be rid of me._ His thoughts spiral as he pulls his car to a stop at a red light to his worst fear that the people who are around him which have become fewer nowadays are growing as tired of him as he is of himself.

***

The blue light from the muted television pools across the beige carpet as it flickers across Asher’s face as the anime characters move on the screen his eyes almost falling shut as the exhaustion from his workout hits him but at the sound of the front door opening and shutting has him blinking away the call for sleep as he watches his dad throws his car keys onto the kitchen counter before he makes his way over to the living room loosening his tie with each step.

“You’re still awake? It’s late.” Harold observes looking down at his wristwatch to find it’s well past eleven before he glances back up to his son’s face to find shadows under his eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Asher tells him sitting up straighter on the couch as his sore muscles protest the movement ignoring the urge to bite back at his dad that also it’s late for him just to be getting home from work. But tonight, he doesn’t have the energy to fight what he knows is a losing battle. 

“How was practice today?” Harold asks trying to keep his tone casual as he takes a seat on the chair in the corner by the window missing the way that his son tenses at the question.

“It was fine,” Asher answers feeling completely drained as he thinks back to his conversation with Olivia and the secret that he is hiding in his locker _again_. 

“So, what are the Coach’s plans for the next game?” Harold inquires with his eyes lighting up at the thought of his son scoring the winning touchdown at the next game.

“I’m not sure,” Asher says honestly because he hasn’t been able to focus lately on any of the game plans, he just tries to catch the ball when Jordan throws it and to score before he gets tackled.

“What do you mean? Asher this is your senior year. Scouts will still be looking at you and maybe even more than in the past and you need to be showing them all you’ve got at every game.” Harold explains going into full lecture mode which Asher thinks as he tunes him out that every conversation they have had lately always turns to football and him needing to perform at a college-ready level.

 _I am trying my best dad. I just wish you would see that._ Asher thinks as he gets up from the couch hoping that he covered his grimace with a look of indifference when his knees ache when he takes a stiff step forward.

“I’m going to bed. There’s some leftover Chinese food for you in the fridge.” Asher tells his dad without waiting for his answer before he walks slowly up the stairs toward his room.

Out of habit which is one he wishes he could break he checks his phone to see if he has any notifications which to his surprise, he has two new ones on his lock screen.

A missed call from Olivia at 8:03 p.m.

And a text from JJ at 9:46 p.m.

He deletes the missed call from his call log, and he opens the text from JJ.

_Hey, Ash. Just wanted to see what’s up. We should hang out soon._

He reads the text from his friend three times before he locks his phone plugging it into the charger.

 _I’ll text him back in the morning._ He decides as he climbs onto his bed not bothering to pull back the covers since he knows his racing thoughts aren’t going to let him sleep tonight.

He glares over at the digital alarm clock to find its red letters notifying him that it is already passed midnight before he casts his bloodshot eyes over to the window above his desk. He leans his back against the pillows set up against the headboard as he watches the small fragments of lights cast onto his ceiling through the slightly opened blinds from the passing cars’ headlights.

 _Just seven more months until graduation._ He thinks running his blister covered hands over his flushed face.

 _And then maybe after that, I can go to college and escape everything. A fresh start._ He imagines with the last bit of hope that he has left inside him that he is trying desperately to keep ahold of.

***

The next morning, when Asher walks downstairs with his muscles still aching from football practice and his extra long work out from the day before he stops in the kitchen in front of the refrigerator with his feet turning purple against the cold tiles as he reads the note his dad left for him under the football-shaped magnet.

_Asher,_

_I’m sorry I pushed the football issue again last night._

_Let’s go out for pizza tonight._

_Have a great day and practice._

_Dad._

He lets out a quick huff of breath deciding that the only reason his dad wants to go out for pizza later is so they can talk even more about football before he wads up the post-it note his dad’s note was written on before he throws it into the trash on top of their Chinese food takeout containers.

He shoulders his backpack being mindful to slide the strap up on his unbruised shoulder as his phone buzzes in his right jean pocket causing him to jump before on impulse, he lifts it out of his pocket before he can convince himself not to. Blinking down at his phone he feels a ghost of a smile spread across his lips at the goofy meme that JJ just sent to the football group chat.

He types back a simple laughing face emoji which is his first message in the group chat in a few weeks before he opens the door to the garage.

After he throws his backpack into the passenger seat his phone rings which is such an unusual sound that he had almost forgotten what his ringtone was before he taps the answer button on his steering wheel after he turns the Bluetooth option on his phone on and it connects seamlessly to his car.

“Hello,” Asher answers the call that he isn’t surprised to find that it is JJ who is calling him.

“Hey, Ash what's up? I texted you last night about hanging out sometime, but I never heard anything back.” JJ's bright voice without any anger that Asher can detect sounds through his car speakers.

“Right. Yeah, I saw your text but it was too late to text you back when I did…” Asher explains with his tone flat feeling that even though he is telling his friend the truth he still feels like his explanation is lame.

“Oh, that’s okay Ash. But what about hanging out?” JJ asks with a wide grin as he pulls alongside Jordan in his usual parking spot in the school's student parking lot.

“We have practice today…” Asher says after he backs out of the garage and then down the driveway as he lets his sentence trail off not knowing what else to say.

“Well, what about after?” JJ inquires with his voice full of hope waving over to Jordan after he puts down the top on his red convertible Mustang as he rolls down his own car window.

“Sure.” Asher decides swallowing down the guilt he knows he would feel if he let down another person in his life tapping his thumbs nervously against the steering wheel.

“Great!” JJ exclaims with his grin sliding up into a full on smile as he unbuckles his seatbelt. “Wait, are you coming to school today?” He asks when he looks up through his passenger side window to find the parking spot next to his vacant of his best friend's car.

“Yeah, I’m coming. Just running a little late.” Asher tells him gripping the steering wheel tighter as he turns right down the street two blocks away from the high school.

“Okay. See you in class.” JJ says getting out of his car before he walks over to Jordan who is waiting for him on the sidewalk as they share their secret handshake that they came up with freshman year with the other football players.

“See you then.” Asher agrees before he clicks off the call letting out a breath, he hadn’t realized he was holding while he was talking to JJ.

But he is thankful that JJ has reached out to him which is the one glimmer of light in his life as everything else around him is dark.

He slowly pulls up along JJ's car just in time to make it to his first class that he hopes they didn’t have a homework assignment for since he didn’t even open his backpack last night after he had gotten home.

 _I can do this._ He tells himself taking in a deep breath before he grabs his backpack from the floorboard that he hadn’t noticed that it had fallen from the car seat on his drive to school. Getting out of his car he grimaces when his legs and knees are still sore as he walks up the steps but thankful that they are less stiff than they were last night.

 _I can do this._ He reminds himself once more as he pulls open the tall glass door before stepping into the now nearly empty halls of his prison for the next seven hours. 

***

“Where was your head today at practice Ash?” Jordan asks thirty minutes into their hangout referring to all of the catches that Asher fumbled during practice and how he looked like he was somewhere else the entire time as he eyes his friend across the table who has his eyes trained on the basket of fries that he has barely touched.

“What do you mean?” Asher asks even though he knows exactly what Jordan is talking about as he looks up from his food suddenly losing his appetite with Jordan’s tone and question reminding him so much of his father, he throws his crumbled napkin on top of his cold ketchup covered fries as he makes a move to get up from his seat.

“Wait you’re not leaving, already are you?” JJ asks after taking a long drink of his soda as he looks between his two best friends who are sending each other heated looks.

“I just have a lot of homework…” Asher explains trailing off which is mostly true because he is sure that his teachers assigned some during his classes today that he hadn’t paid attention to.

“Ash come on it’s been forever since we’ve hung out,” JJ says sending him a pleading look.

“Okay. Maybe I can stay a little while longer.” Asher decides rolling his eyes at how dramatic JJ looks with his lips pushed out in a pout.

“Are you okay though?” Jordan speaks up letting out a long breath after watching Asher unsuccessfully hide his pain expression when he leans his back against the wood chair.

“I’m fine,” Asher tells them wishing they would both stop worrying about him and go back to whatever conversation they were having before that he wasn’t paying attention to.

“Look Ash we haven’t really talked about your and Olivia’s break up.” Jordan tries to get Asher to open up feeling ashamed at himself that it has taken him two months to finally ask his best friend since the first grade how he is after he broke up with what he knows to be Asher’s first real love.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Asher says tapping his foot nervously against the floor as his heart starts to pound with both of his best friends’ eyes trained on him.

“I know it must have been hard.” Jordan tries again in a softer tone after he shares a look with JJ because he knows their breakup must have been Hell for his best friend just as much as it was for his twin which he didn't even find out about until he walked in to find Olivia and Spencer making out on their couch.

“It was. But I’m fine really.” Asher tells them before sending them a fake smile that he hopes is convincing enough to pass as a real one.

“Okay. But if you ever need us, we are both here for you.” JJ promises for himself and Jordan only smiling when Asher gives them both a nod of thanks. “So, how about those cheerleaders? I swear I think their skirts get shorter every year.” He exclaims switching the topic to something lighter as he watches as a wave of visible tension rolls off of Asher’s shoulders.

Later once Jordan and JJ finish their milkshakes that Asher had politely declined when the waitress turned to him with her pen poised above her note pad to take his order, he and JJ watch as Jordan’s taillights fade away from their sights as the red sports car disappears down the street.

“Well, I should be getting home.” Asher decides after he clears his throat taking a step forward away from JJ’s car.

“Wait Ash just a minute,” JJ says catching his friend’s wrist with his large hand noticing how his tan from summer is fading before he loosens his grip uncurling his fingers one at a time. “Sorry…” He apologizes with his cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“It’s okay,” Asher tells him before he leans back on JJ’s car hood thankful that his friend’s grasp didn’t reach any higher so that he didn’t feel the row of cuts he left on his wrist after an argument with his dad last week that could thankfully be hidden by the wrist brace, he wears for support at practices and during games.

“Coach says that we’ll be likely facing off with Crenshaw at the state championship game. Spencer has been on fire this whole season.” JJ exclaims leaning onto the hood of his car beside Asher as he crosses his arms over his chest. 

“I was thinking that too.” Asher agrees with a nod with a sour taste in his mouth at the mention of Olivia’s new boyfriend. 

“But I think we can beat them,” JJ says before he playfully punches Asher in the shoulder which is covered in a dark bruise. “Shit, sorry Ash are you okay?” He asks alarmed when Asher flinches biting back a hiss of pain as he grabs his shoulder.

“What, yeah? I just came down hard on my shoulder the other day at practice.” Asher explains quickly letting go of his shoulder as he straightens his slumped posture.

“You sure you’re okay?” JJ questions with a skeptical tone as he eyes his best friend with worry clouding his light blue eyes.

“Yeah, it’s just still a little sore,” Asher assures him rolling his shoulder up and back for show as he sends JJ another fake smile.

 _Spencer got shot in the fucking shoulder and he still plays football._ Asher’s thoughts taunt him as he feels stupid for whining about his shoulder that is only bruised.

“Well, I should head out…” Asher says nodding toward his own car that is parked to the right of JJ’s.

“Right, me too.” JJ agrees letting Asher be the first one to make a move to leave. “Hey, Asher?” He calls with his hand poised on his car door handle as he locks his eyes with his best friend across their car roofs.

“Yeah,” Asher says back biting on his bottom lip as he waits for JJ to speak.

“Just remember what I told you. That if you ever need us for anything that Jordan and me will be there for you. Okay?” JJ assures his friend once again unable to let go of the thought and the worry that his friend is anything but fine like he promised them he was.

“Okay,” Asher whispers before he turns away from one of his best friends and away from the help that he knows he desperately needs as he climbs into his car waving at JJ as his friend backs out first.

“I’m not okay.” He whispers out to only himself and the singer on the radio on his drive home wishing that he could speak those words out loud to his two best friends that he knows would listen to him.

But he just can’t bring himself to do it.

Because he knows that voicing it out loud for someone to hear will make everything all to real for him.

And right now, the only thing that is keeping him holding on is the fact that maybe he will get a scholarship to college because he knows deep down that there is no way his dad would be able to afford for him to go if he doesn’t. And there is no way in Hell that he would ever ask Jacob, his stepdad, for a damn dime.

 _I’ll be okay._ He mouths to himself once he comes to a stop at a traffic light as he catches his eyes filled with so much sadness that he could cry at the sight but he blinks his eyes away from his own reflection before he lets himself break down.

 _I’ll be okay._ He repeats silently to himself swallowing down the lump that has been growing in his throat since Jordan mentioned Olivia as he presses on the gas when the light turns green repeating to himself all the way home that he’ll be okay even though he doesn’t believe it for a fucking second.


	2. Never Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asher continues trying his best at everything, but he can never seem to shake the thought that he is never going to be good enough at anything or for anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊 
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new chapter of this story that I hope you all are enjoying so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! 
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher is going to continue to spiral and his friends continue to try and help him but the question is if he will let them.
> 
> The chapter name was taken from a title of a song called _Never Good Enough_ by the band _Citizen Solider_ — who are such an amazing band! :D 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. But I wanted to especially warn for anyone who may be triggered by reading about self-harm that this chapter does contain a rather graphic scene of the action of self-harm. And I also wanted to warn for anyone who may be trigged by the usage of drugs (in this story it is steroids but there is the mention of a syringe and injecting) that this chapter does contain a rather detailed scene of taking drugs. And also, there is a small mention of a suicidal thought near the end. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> P.S. I promise that this story will have an eventual happy ending, but things will be getting worse before they get better for Asher.
> 
> P.S.S. Thank y'all so much for making this my most quickly read story that I have posted so far! And thank y'all so much for reading it so far and I hope that you are enjoying it so far! <3

On Thursday evening after getting home from football practice Asher stands under the shower head letting the hot water run over his aching muscles and his chill bump covered body after only having time for a thirty-minute work out because the coach’s speech about tomorrow’s game droned on and on until he was sure he would fall asleep standing propped up against his locker.

With a pang of loneliness settling into his chest his hand finds his half-hardened dick as he thinks that no one has touched him so intimately or really at all since Olivia and that seems like an eternity ago as he lets his eyes close as he breathes in the steam from the shower as he remembers how it is to be pleasured even if it is his own hand doing the work this time.

Letting out a short breath from the back of his throat that resembles a moan he watches as the cum runs down his inner thighs before it splashes into the water at the bottom of the tub mixing with the suds from his body wash before it swirls down the drain from his sight like nothing ever happened.

He shivers under the water that has now lost all its heat too tired to get out of the shower but upon hearing the front door open and shut signaling that his dad is home early for once he turns the water off sliding open the glass shower door instantly soaking the rug under his feet.

After barely drying off all of the water droplets that cling to his skin he pulls on his boxers and an old pair of grey sweatpants before he wipes his hand across the fogged-up mirror to reveal a ghostly looking face staring back at him that he vaguely recognizes as his own reflection.

Combing his bangs back still wet from the shower that now almost cover his eyes since growing longer over the summer he stills his movements when he hears his dad’s loud footsteps coming up the stairs.

 _Shit._ He mutters under his breath when he blindly picks up the cloth at his feet from the tiled floor to only find that it is a towel and not his shirt that he remembers now he left on his bed. With his dad’s footsteps now echoing on the hardwood floor of the stairs landing he hurries over to the hamper looking for a shirt he can pull on before his dad sees his bruised shoulder.

“Asher?” Comes his dad’s voice knocking on the door as Asher continues to frantically search for a shirt in the pile of towels and pants. “How was—” Harold begins to say before his words cut off after he opens the bathroom door taking in the dark bruise on his son’s shoulder.

“Dad I’m fine it’s just a bruise.” Asher instantly assures his dad as he whips around so quickly to face him that he almost slips on the wet tiles abandoning his search for a shirt.

“If you’re hurt you can’t play,” Harold states crossing his arms over his chest as he looks into the mirror to find his son’s back reflected in the handprint smeared glass.

“It’s just a bruise dad,” Asher tells his dad again as he shrugs his shoulders casting his gaze down to where his toes are gripping at the tiles in an effort to keep himself upright. 

“Raise your arm.” Harold challenges once his son lifts his eyes up from the floor to meet his own.

“See,” Asher exclaims after he lifts his arm well above his head in a triumphant tone like a child proving his bully on the playground wrong as he is thankful that it is his left shoulder that is bruised and not his right since that would risk him exposing the still healing cuts along his right wrist.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay to play against Malibu tomorrow night?” Harold inquires nodding in approval at the full range of motion that his son still has in his shoulder. 

“Is that all you care about? About how well I am going to be able to play football?” Asher asks with anger boiling deep in the pit of his stomach at his dad’s lack of care for his wellbeing.

 _I should be used to this by now_. He reminds himself as he brushes past his dad with his unbruised shoulder walking toward his bedroom.

“No, it’s not but you need to make sure you’ll be able to catch the ball since I am sure there will be scouts at this game,” Harold explains following on his son’s heels down the short hallway.

“I don’t care,” Asher tells his dad turning around so abruptly that his dad almost trips over his own two feet as he tries not to run into him.

“What? How could you say that?” Harold asks shaking his head in disbelief at his son’s words.

“Because I don’t _fucking_ care about the game dad,” Asher admits through gritted teeth even though he knows it’s a lie because that is all that’s been on his mind since the last game before he throws open his bedroom door and slamming it in his dad’s face.

“Asher…” Harold says as he knocks on his son’s bedroom door after he recovers from the shock at his outburst to only to be met with blaring rap music as he presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m sorry.” He whispers an apology before he turns away from the door deciding that they both need to cool off before they talk things through. 

Two hours after the argument with his dad and an hour after he had shut off his music Asher opens his bedroom door before he steps out into the hallway holding his breath as he listens for the sound of the television playing downstairs in the living room letting him know that there is still a floor of privacy between him and his dad.

Without a second thought and before he can talk himself out of what he is about to do he flips on the light to the bathroom clicking the door shut softly behind him making sure to lock it this time.

His fingers feel for the small razor blade that he found in his dad’s electric razor case that he had taped along the top side of the cabinet under the bathroom sink as it sends an alluring glint of release when he pulls it out into the light before he clutches it tightly in his palm as he moves over to the toilet to take a seat on the closed lid.

Pushing down his sweatpants with his left hand he stills the razor blade just above the exposed skin of his right inner thigh sucking in a deep breath before touching the tip of the blade to his skin as he cuts a line to remind him of each of the reasons, he is never going to be good enough. 

_He wasn’t a good enough boyfriend to Olivia for her to still want to be with him._

_And he wasn’t a good enough son for his mom to want to stick around._

_Neither was he ever a good enough football player for his dad to have a reason to be proud of him._

_And he is sure as Hell wasn’t ever going to be good enough at football to get a scholarship to college._

The bottom line was as he decides as he cuts the fifth and final thin line into his bare thigh is that he was never going to be fucking good enough for anything or anybody.

Pulling the razor blade away from his bleeding skin he smiles down at the five cuts oozing with blood feeling relieved that he has found a way to feel the pain on the outside that he constantly feels on the inside even if it is only until the blood dries on the cuts and they start to scab over. But it’s enough of a relief that allows him to breathe when he feels like suffocating. And right now, he will do anything it takes to find some release from the building pressure in his chest.

One, two, three, four, five. He counts the cuts and his reasons for never being good enough silently to himself as he taps his index finger beside each mark.

Blotting the fresh blood away from the cuts with toilet paper since he learned from his mistake when he cut for the first time and he used a wash cloth to soak up the blood that he had to come up with a lie of a nose bleed for when his dad found the rusty colored cotton in the hamper.

And that was an experience he didn’t want to have again because he was sure his dad could hear his heart hammering in his chest as he willed him to believe his lie while he ran his fingers across the cuts along his wrist hidden behind his back from his dad’s view.

After peeling the toilet paper away from his cuts to find they have stopped bleeding he stands up on numb legs since they have fallen asleep while he was sitting before he lifts the lid to the toilet throwing the evidence into the bowl of water.

 _Just like nothing happened._ He thinks as he flushes the toilet and the blood-stained toilet paper disappears from his sight before he pulls up his sweatpants hissing slightly as the soft fabric rubs against his fresh cuts.

He takes in several deep breaths as he waits for the cuts to stop burning and for the feeling to return to his legs before he places the razor back into its hiding spot under the sink.

He glances back around the bathroom to make sure he hasn’t left any evidence finding it as he found it when he entered before he unlocks the door stepping out into the hallway noticing that the television is still on downstairs which more than likely means that his dad has fallen asleep in front of it on the couch.

He closes the bathroom door like nothing has happened as he makes his way quietly back to his room to find his phone lighting up with a new notification that he has no intention of checking until he sees that it is from JJ.

 _Are you ready to kick some Dolphin ass at the game tomorrow?_ Reads JJ's text followed by a smirking face emoji.

 _Sure am._ He replies quickly before he can overthink his response and as his thoughts drift to how he betrayed the team last year at the Homecoming game when he gave Delgado their playbook.

 _Hell yeah! Those boys won’t know what hit them!_ JJ is quick to respond ending his message with a football emoji.

 _Exactly._ Asher types out his one-word reply before turning off his phone after he sends the text feeling a pang of guilt stab at his chest as he thinks of what he just did in the bathroom and the guilt he still feels about betraying the team.

 _No one can ever find out about what I’m doing._ He thinks as he climbs under his covers hoping he can get at least one hour of sleep before his mind full of racing thoughts wakes him back up and before his alarm goes off at seven.

***

The next morning with shaky hands already feeling the pregame jitters Asher pulls his jeans up over the fresh line of cuts he left along his inner thigh last night as he actively avoids meeting his eyes in the mirror above his dresser.

 _I can do this._ He assures himself taking in a deep breath as the urge to crawl back into bed eats away at his energy.

With a tired sigh, he turns away from his dresser and his reflection that he knows is showing his inner turmoil in his haunted eyes that he can’t quite meet in the mirror.

“Are you ready for school?” Harold asks casually after he knocks on his son's open bedroom door watching as his son stills his movements of placing his books and notebooks into his backpack before he shoves the last one inside not caring if anything gets crumpled as he zips it up. “Look Asher I am sorry about last night.” He apologizes taking a hesitant step forward onto the carpet.

“I’ve already forgotten about it dad,” Asher explains nonchalantly as he slides his backpack strap onto his right shoulder.

“I wanted to wish you good luck at the game tonight,” Harold says after shoving his hands that have an all too familiar tremble to them deep into the pockets of his dress pants.

“Thanks,” Asher replies letting out another long sigh as his backpack feels heavy enough on his back to pull him backward as he takes a hesitant step forward.

 _Lets’ both just face it dad I am never going to be good enough._ He wants to say but he swallows it down along with the taste of morning breath as he steps around his dad to go and quickly brush his teeth before he is late for school. Not that he actually cares if he is or anything, but he doesn’t want yet another reason for his dad to be disappointed in him.

***

Later after the school pep rally Asher walks into the locker room thankfully finding it empty, he quickly puts in the combination to his locker that he instantly thinks that he should change it before he reaches back behind the extra football equipment that is piled inside to find the vial and syringes still hidden there.

He looks around nervously to make sure that no one has slipped through the door unnoticed before he injects the end of the needle into the dusty top of the vial of steroids before drawing up an ample dose that he knows will be more than enough to get him through this game.

 _Just this once._ He promises himself which he knows is a lie as he places the vial back into its hiding place not wanting to make the same mistake, he did last time by letting the janitor find one of his bottles before he shuts his locker door clutching tightly to the syringe as he walks to the bathroom.

He slides the lock into place on the stall door with a loud _clink_ of assurance that his secret is well kept from anyone’s prying eyes as he stares down at the syringe before he brings it to his arm injecting it quickly before he chickens out leaning his head back against the bathroom stall wall as he enjoys the familiar pinch of the needle and the way the liquid lights through his veins.

 _Just this once._ He promises himself once more as his head starts to spin at the welcomed rush of the steroids hitting his bloodstream holding onto the hope that he will be able to play good enough for once during this game to make his dad proud of him and so the team will win.

Meeting his eyes in the mirror while the scalding hot water from the faucet runs over his hands that feel dirty after what he just did until they turn bright red, spitting at his ghostly reflection in the mirror feeling disgusted at himself as his thoughts start to spiral beyond his control.

_There is no way I can explain my way out of using steroids this time._

_What’s the use I am never going to be good enough no matter what I do._

_I am a fucking disgrace no wonder my dad and everyone else hates me._

He angrily turns off the faucet turning away from the mirror and his blurry reflection before he rips a brown paper towel from the holder beside the sink wiping at his numb hands as he hates the way they are tears burning in his eyes as he realizes that his thoughts are true and not lies this time.

He hurries back to his locker opening it once more so that he can hide the used syringe beside the steroid vial that is now nearly empty as the team starts to filter in as he shuts the metal door hiding his secret behind it.

Pulling on his shoulder pads he nods a hello to Jordan as he steps up to his locker next to his own and then over to JJ at his locker across the wooden bench.

“Are you ready for the game Ash?” Jordan asks after they are all suited up waiting for the coach to signal for them to run onto the field.

“Yeah,” Asher says with a nod as he pulls at the collar of his jersey as it feels tight around his neck thinking about how last year at the Homecoming game he watched from the bleachers as the Malibu team blocked every move that the Eagles made because he had betrayed his team by giving Delgado their playbook.

 _I still have no idea why they ever accepted me back as part of the team after how I betrayed them twice and now that I am again._ He thinks as he looks around the locker room at his team mates to find them all lost in their own conversations with easy smiles on their faces as he feels a little bit of the tension release from his shoulders.

“Of course, he is. Because this trio right here is about to go show them who’s house this is!” JJ exclaims with a wide as he gives Asher a high five and then one to Jordan.

“Who’s house?” Jordan shouts starting their team chant.

“Our house!” The entire football team including Asher yell back in unison feeling fired up for the game.

“Let’s go kick some Dolphin ass boys!” JJ shouts excitedly as the team shouts back loud cheers before the coach waves them out the locker room door.

Jordan pats Asher on his shoulder pads above his shoulder before he falls in line with the rest of the players.

“You ready?” JJ asks as he pats Asher on the shoulder after he observed that his friend showed no pain on his face when Jordan made the same gesture.

“Yeah,” Asher says letting out a long breath before he makes an attempt at a smile that he knows doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Let’s go!” JJ exclaims flashing his signature lopsided grin before he and Asher speed walk out of the locker room to catch up with the rest of the team.

The bright field lights illuminate the football field in stark contrast against the black October sky as Asher follows behind JJ and Jordan as they jog out onto the field along with the rest of team with the steady rhythm of the band's drumline syncing up with their racing hearts.

He scans the crowded bleachers of Beverly High students and parents a wave of faceless red and blue shirts in search of his dad when his eyes land on Olivia holding hands with Spencer as he takes in a sharp intake of breath not that he is surprised at the sight but it stings all the same.

He stands stuck in place as she sends him a small wave that he doesn’t return as he snaps the chin strap on his helmet into place before his attention is pulled away from his ex-girlfriend when the coach blows his whistle signaling for the team to huddle around him.

Standing in between JJ and Jordan in the team’s huddle Asher tunes out the coach as he runs over the game plans one more time before telling them to try their best during the game.

“Eagles on three!” Jordan shouts after the coach looks to him to rally the team one last time before the tip off kick. “One, two, three!” He counts down pausing between the two and three for a dramatic effect.

“Eagles!” The team shouts back before they break their huddle running onto the field.

 _Can’t anyone see that I am trying my best?_ Asher wonders with his lips turning down in a frown as he takes his position that he vaguely remembers from practice.

Glancing back up toward the crowd in search of his dad he avoids looking into the row that he knows Olivia is sitting in with her parents and Spencer as the memory of their breakup plays like a movie reel in his mind.

_“Are we okay?” Asher asked after Olivia turned away from his third attempt to kiss her as she avoided looking him in the eyes._

_“I don’t know,” Olivia admitted twirling a lock of her curly hair around her index finger._

_“Look I know I was gone all summer but I’m back now.” He told her reaching for her hand that was resting on her mattress between them as he watches her recoil from his touch._

_“And I’m glad you’re back.” She said casting a nervous glance in his direction as she bit her bottom lip._

_“But…” He inquired trailing off as she sat up straighter sending him a soft smile with a sympathetic look dancing in her brown eyes._

_“We’ve both changed over the summer.” She explained watching as his eyes narrowed._

_“What do you mean our hair?” He observed in an attempt at a joke as he pointed to his longer bangs before he cautiously reached out to hold one of her braids between his index finger and thumb._

_“Ash...” She whispered glancing down as she uncurled his fingers from her hair before holding his hand in hers. “I still care about you so much. But I think it’s just best for us to be friends.” She told him as she glanced back locking their gazes as she watched a look of hurt flash through his blue eyes._

_“So, are you breaking up with me?” He asked even though he knew the answer he just couldn’t bring himself to believe it._

_“I am.” She said with a stiff nod as she felt his hand muscles stiffen in her hold before he pulled it back leaving behind a coldness that instantly settled into her bones. “Asher, please let’s just talk.” She pleaded after he got up from her bed stalking toward the door._

_Olivia watched with her heart racing as Asher turned around with his mouth open before he clamped it shut shaking his head as she noticed that tears were shining in his eyes that she knew were mirrored in her own before he turned walking out of her bedroom without another word or a look back._

_“Asher…” She called her voice coming out strained as she held onto the doorframe to keep herself from sinking to her knees. “I’m so sorry.” She whispered letting the tears finally fall after she heard the front door slam shut._

Asher lets out a pained groan when he is tackled by a larger Malibu player breaking him out of his thoughts as his back slams hard against the ground knocking the breath from his lungs as the shrill sound of a whistle blowing reaches through the ringing in his ears.

“Too bad we don’t have your team’s playbook this time Adams.” Delgado sneers as he uses Asher’s shoulder pad making sure to apply more pressure than needed to lift himself off of him. “But it looks like we don’t need it anyway.” He observes towering over Asher who is still waiting for his breath to return to his lungs with a smug smile as the Dolphins score the first touchdown of the game. “Thanks for your help again eighty-three.” He says before he steps around Asher who is finally able to take in a shallow breath as oxygen returns once again to his burning lungs.

“Are you okay Ash?” Jordan asks after he jogs over to his best friend who is still laying on the ground as the Beverly crowd stands up in the bleachers watching anxiously to see if the fallen player will get back up.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Asher tells him taking the hand that Jordan extends out to him as he helps him slowly sit up before he pulls him up to stand next to him.

“Your nose is bleeding,” JJ exclaims as he steps up beside his two best friends sharing a look of worry with Jordan before they both turn back toward Asher watching as a steady flow of blood continues to pour from his nose.

“What?” Asher blinks in surprise as he touches his fingertips to the skin below his nose feeling the warm liquid. “Oh.” He says blankly staring down at his blood-covered fingers when he pulls them away from his face with the sinking feeling that the cause is more than likely from the dose of steroids he took before the game and not from the hit.

“Adams.” The coach’s gruff voice yells waving him over to the sidelines with his lips pressed into a thin line and his cheeks reddened with anger.

 _I’ve really fucked things up this time. But what’s new_. Asher thinks as he nods at Jordan and JJ who send him identical looks of sympathy before he walks off the field with a thousand pairs of eyes on him.

“What the hell was that out there?” The coach asks him as soon as Asher steps in front of him with his head hung low under the older man’s hardened gaze.

“I don’t know,” Asher answers swallowing thickly against the thick emotion that is edging into his voice.

“Well, you better get to knowing because we don’t have any room on this team for weak links.” The coach tells him with his arms crossed over his chest.

 _I am never going to be a good enough player so just kick me off the team now._ He wants so badly to say as he looks over the coach’s shoulder into the stands his eyes finally locking with his dad’s to find his gaze disapproving.

“I want you to set the next few plays out.” The coach states gesturing toward the bench as he takes his off the player in front of him to look out onto the field at the rest of the team.

“Please, coach don’t do this to me I’m fine.” Asher pleads as he feels more warm blood leak from his left nostril fighting the urge to wipe it away with his white glove.

“ _Sit_.” The coach instructs sternly around the metal whistle he has in his mouth before blowing it to the signal the team over to the sidelines.

 _I’m sorry_. He mouths to his dad before he steps around the coach as he hears the loud footsteps of the team approaching from behind him as they run over to the sidelines.

 _Fuck._ He mutters under his breath as he sits down heavily on the bench after he rips off his helmet brushing his sweaty bangs out of his eyes as he watches the team run the next game play out in front of him without him.

 _I’m so sorry fucking sorry_. He thinks feeling his dad’s eyes boring into the back of his skull as the blood continues to drip from his nose and into his mouth making him want to gag at the copper taste it leaves as he spits out a mess of saliva and blood onto the grass between his feet fighting the urge to just walk off the field before anyone can kick him off of it.

***

Asher stalls by his locker as the rest of the team heads off to take a shower after the game that they won easily after he was taken out of the game holding his jersey that he doesn’t feel like he will ever have the right to wear again.

 _Starting wide receiver my ass._ He thinks gritting his teeth as his anger at himself intensifies before he throws his jersey inside his locker on top of the football equipment and the vial and syringes securely hidden behind it before slamming the door closed deciding he will wait until he gets home to shower.

Taking in a deep breath of the crisp night as he steps out of the locker room filled with the loud roar of conversations from the team as they shower becoming muffled when the heavy metal door slams shut behind him.

He hurries toward the parking lot after he sees Coach Baker talking with his new football coach not wanting either of them to see him because he can’t take another person telling him he should and could be playing better.

His dad looks up from his phone when he opens the back door throwing his duffel bag into the backseat before he slides into the passenger feeling thankful that his dad is sober so that he can drive them home.

“So, are you okay?” Harold finally asks the question that he has been wondering since watching his son take that hard hit and how his nose was bleeding when he stood up.

“I’m fine dad,” Asher answers watching as the field lights disappear from the passenger side window after they make a left turn away from the school.

“You took a really hard hit,” Harold observes eyeing his son out of his peripheral vision with a sense of worry pulling at him that he is hiding an injury from him.

“I’m fine really dad,” Asher assures his dad again before he closes his eyes laying his head against the car window since the passing scenery was making his head spin.

“Okay.” Harold simply says hoping that his son was being truthful before focusing his full attention back to the road in front of them for the duration of the drive home.

Before Harold can take the keys out of the car ignition Asher without ever looking back at his dad who has his eyes trained on his back is already on the porch searching for his house key on his key ring before he disappears behind the door once he unlocks.

Harold lets out a long sigh leaning his back against the front door when he hears his son’s bedroom door slam upstairs echoing throughout the otherwise quite house. He hesitates in the foyer wondering if he should walk up the stairs and see for himself if his son is injured or if he should give him the space that he is so desperately asking for.

Shoving his once again trembling hands into his pockets after he deposits his car keys onto the kitchen counter he sits down heavily on the couch as he shrugs off his jacket.

 _I’m so sorry son._ He thinks looking toward the stairs that separate him and his son as he buries his head in his hands as he fights with every fiber of his being not to drive to the liquor store for alcohol to help him forget the guilt that is gnawing away at him every time that he sees the look of sadness in his son’s eyes that seems to be as constant as the color of his irises.

Later long after Asher heard the television turn off downstairs and his dad’s footsteps climb up the stairs before they paused in front of his bedroom door as he held his breath until they continued down the hall and his dad’s bedroom door closed, he relaxed his tense muscles against the mattress wearing only a pair of boxers and a loose white t-shirt.

With his eyes bloodshot and dry from the tears that forcefully fell down his cheeks as he thought about how the team probably couldn’t wait for him to leave before they made joke after joke about him he continued to watch the blades of the ceiling fan above his bed spin in a dizzying pattern.

_Maybe I should just quit the team since I’m never going to be good enough anyway._

_I don’t even know why I keep trying anymore._

_Everyone would be happier without me here._

He blinks his gaze away from the ceiling to look over at his closet when his next thought makes his blood run cold and his breath hitch in his throat.

_I wonder if the rod in my closet would hold up my weight._

“No, no, no…” He chokes out as he shakes his head sitting up against the headboard as he clutches at his chest with his heart hammering under his palm.

He jumps when his phone buzzes on his nightstand as sweat starts to bead out across his forehead taking in a shuddering breath before he reaches over with a shaking hand to pick it up.

 _Me and Jay are playing online if you want to join._ JJ invites followed by an upside-down smiley face.

Asher takes a cautious glance over to his closet before he gets up from his sweat-soaked sheets to shut the closet door trapping his darkest thought inside with his clothes.

Running a trembling hand through his hair he sits down at the end of his bed on the carpet as he turns on his game console and logs into the game.

While he waits for the game to load, he traces his thumb along the three fresh cuts he marked on his inner left thigh after his shower.

_The first one was for continuing to betray his team even though he knows he could lose it all again._

_The second one was for getting tackled by Delgado and for having to sit out for the entire game._

_And the last one was for always letting everyone down and for the fact he was never going to be good enough._

He moves his thumb away from the cuts holding onto the controller once more when he hears Jordan’s and JJ’s voice come through his headset as they argue about their last moves and how to win the next round.

“Are you on here yet Ash?” JJ finally asks when he sees their best friend’s avatar flash on the screen.

“Yeah, I’m here,” Asher tells them with a nod even though they can’t see him as the game starts up again and the screen comes to life as they work together to beat the challenging level.

Asher sits on his carpet well into the night letting his two best friends do most of the talking as he absent-mindedly presses the buttons on the game controller ignoring the taunting thought in the back of his mind.

_I’m never going to be good enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this second chapter and this story so far which I hope that you enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _It's Getting Worse_ and I hope to have it posted either tomorrow or Friday! <3


	3. It's Getting Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With things continuing to get worse for Asher he knows that everyone around him would be better off without him around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊 
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new chapter of this story that I hope you all are enjoying so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! 
> 
> (I've decided to make this a six chapter story instead of five. Which I hope that you guys are excited about that! :D
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher is going to continue to spiral as he feels that he is losing control of everything.
> 
> (This chapter was originally going to be called _Would Anyone Care_ but I decided to name it _It's Getting Worse_ instead.) 
> 
> The chapter was inspired by and the name was taken from a song by _Mokita_ called _It's Getting Worse_.
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3
> 
> P.S. I promise that eventually, things will start to look up for Asher and that this story is going to have an eventual happy ending. Only three chapters left! 😉
> 
> P.S.S. I want to thank each of you for reading this story so far! I am honestly blown away by how quickly this story has reached almost 100 hits! Like, wow! I hope that you guys are enjoying it! I appreciate each of you so much!!! 😀
> 
> Happy New Year!!! :D

Monday with the sun brightening Asher’s otherwise darkened bedroom with its pale light shining through the open blinds and spreading across the carpet letting out a groan as he buries his head deeper into the cocoon of blankets to block out the light that he has hidden himself away in all weekend as he slept both days away purposefully ignoring the repeated calls and texts from his two best friends with the fleeting feeling they are only being nice to him because he is on the football team.

Reflexively reaching for his phone since he knows his usual morning alarm is about to go off any minute he swipes at his screen until he cancels the alarm before he lets his eyes fall shut once more before a hesitant knock sounds on his bedroom door.

“Go away.” He says with his voice coming out muffled from where his head is still buried under the covers.

“Asher you’re going to be late for school,” Harold tells his son hoping that his voice doesn’t sound as slurred to his son as it does to his own ears. 

_Like I give a damn._ Asher mutters under his breath willing his dad to just leave him alone.

“The door is unlocked.” Asher finally says letting out a long breath before he sits up in bed.

“So, I guess you aren’t going to school today.” Harold observes leaning heavily onto the doorframe as he runs his fingers through his disheveled hair from where he passed out on the couch with the stale taste of alcohol and regret still lingering on his tongue as he wets his dry lips desperate for another drink. So that he can just forget how in a moment of weakness he just through away his five months of sobriety.

“And I guess you’re not going to work today either.” Asher bites back throwing the covers off as he glares over at his dad swallowing at the thick emotion gathering in his throat that makes him want to choke as he smells the undeniable stench of liquor on his dad’s breath.

 _I’m sorry you started drinking again because of me dad._ He thinks about his apology that he wishes he could voice followed by the promise that everything is going to be okay.

But he knows that is a damn lie just like how he keeps telling himself that he is going to be fine _._

So, Asher clamps his mouth shut as he leans against his headboard continuing to glare at his dad until he finally shakes his head disappearing from his doorway with the sinking feeling that he knows that his dad is going to go back downstairs and drink even more alcohol until he passes out.

 _Why do I have to continue fucking up everybody’s lives?_ He wonders burying his face in his hands before the sound of his phone buzzing beside him on the mattress pulls his attention to the outside world.

 _Are you coming to school today Ash?_ The first text from Jordan appears in their group text under the ones he ignored from the weekend.

 _Everything okay Ash?_ The second text is from JJ followed by three anxious face emojis.

 _Great now I’ve gone and worried my two best friends._ He thinks chewing on his bottom lip as he hesitates for a moment before he types out a quick reply.

 _Not today._ _I’ve got a headache._ He texts back which isn’t a complete lie as he rubs at his eyes with a dull ache pulsing behind them.

 _Feel better. Talk later._ Jordan instantly responds followed by a thumbs up emoji that Asher pictures that he is typing out while walking through the school hallways in a hurry to his first class before he is late with his eyes trained on his phone screen before he nearly runs into another student.

 _That sucks man. But we'll talk after practice._ JJ responds back a minute later from where Asher knows he is sitting in their first-period class behind his empty seat.

 _Okay._ Asher types out below their messages before locking his phone letting out a long sigh.

Later with no sense of how much time has passed Asher rolls to the edge of the bed finding that muscles he didn’t even know he had are aching and stiff as he plants his feet onto the carpet before standing up an action that he hasn’t done since Saturday morning when he crawled into bed after their video game playing that lasted well past midnight. 

After standing under the showerhead in the stream of hot water until it ran cold and his fingertips wrinkled up like prunes Asher steps out into the humid steam-filled air of the bathroom as he quickly towels off before pulling on whatever clothes he pulled out of his closet first.

Checking his phone he unsurprisingly finds no new notifications as he walks down the stairs his heartbeat matching his quickened pace as he casts a cautious glance over to the couch where his dad is laying with his bloodshot eyes glued to the television screen and an amber bottle of alcohol on the carpet beside the couch within an arm's reach.

“I'm going to go get something to eat. I’ll bring you something back.” Asher informs his dad with an edge in his voice without waiting for his reply before he lets the front door slam shut behind him.

Observing the tables that are available in the restaurant he feels that if he sat at their usual table in the middle of the restaurant there would be too many pairs of eyes on him so he decides to slide into one of the booths with a window that looks out to the busy street.

“What can I get you today?” The waitress asks standing beside the table with her pen poised above her notepad that Asher instantly recognizes as the same waitress from the other day when he was here with JJ and Jordan.

“Just a water.” Asher tells her not feeling hungry even though his stomach is growling.

“Okay.” The waitress nods not bothering to write down the short order before she goes back over to the counter.

Taking a long drink after the waitress sits down the tall glass of water filled to the brim with ice in front of him with a warm smile Asher looks up when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

 _Where are you Ash? Are you home? We’ll come by._ Comes a text from JJ that has him gripping tightly at his phone as he rapidly types out a reply because the last thing, he wants his two best friends to find out about is that his dad is drinking again.

 _I’m at our usual hang out spot._ Asher explains anxiously waiting for their reply hoping that they aren’t already at his house.

 _Cool we’ll be there in five._ Jordan replies back which Asher guesses is because JJ is driving now as he lets out a sigh of relief when he knows for the time that it will take for them to get there that they must be leaving the school and not at his house as he feared.

Feeling anxiety creep up into his veins he taps open the _Instagram_ app to distract him from his thoughts deciding to load his mom's profile out of curiosity since he hasn’t talked to her since the end of July at her wedding reception.

He scrolls through the rolls of pictures of sunsets on the beach and the occasional one of his mom and Jacob before he stops at the picture his mom took of them the day before her wedding at the rehearsal as they stood on the beach with the slowly setting sun painting the sky a dark coral behind them.

With a thought of how he is afraid that his dad’s drinking will get as bad as it did last year after his mom left and that his dad may kick him out of the house again if his secret gets out about his returned steroid usage, he exits the picture-sharing app before he hovers his thumb over his mom’s name in his contact list before he decides to call her.

_I’m sorry the number you have reached has been disconnected or changed…_

At the sound of the robotic voice, any hopes he had of talking to his mom are diminished as his heart sinks into the pit of his stomach.

_Why wouldn’t she give me her new number?_

_Maybe her phone isn’t working in whatever country she and Jacob are in._

_But she probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me anyway._

He thinks with his vision becoming blurred as he opens _Instagram_ one more time before halting his scrolling when he thinks about what he could write to his mom in her direct messages.

_I’m sorry I haven’t been a better son because you deserved so much better mom._

And there is so many more things that he would like to apologize for but he shakes his head as he talks himself out of it knowing that his mom wouldn’t even read it anyway before locking his phone and turning his attention away from it and back out to the street lined with cars waiting for the traffic light to turn.

_My parents would both have easier lives without having to worry about me._

Is his thought when he hears footsteps approaching his table readying himself to politely decline the waitress’s inquiry for anything else when he looks up to find JJ and Jordan with identical wide grins on their flushed faces before they slide into the booth.

“Are you feeling better Ash?” Jordan asks as he settles back into the seat across from him as JJ occupies the empty space beside him as they both study his face.

“Yeah, I am,” Asher tells them sending them a small smile as he sits up straighter finding his muscles stiff from his slouched posture and from laying in bed all weekend. “So, how was practice?” He questions itching for any way to switch the topic off of himself.

“Dude you should’ve been there the coach came up with this sick new play that I know is going to help us win the state championship for sure!” JJ exclaims as he takes out his phone to show Asher the offense play that he recorded while standing on the sidelines.

“Sorry I missed it,” Asher states after watching the video that he has to agree with JJ that it is a very good play, but he doubts he will still be on the team by the championship game anyway.

“We can show you tomorrow,” JJ tells him before the bell above the door chimes signaling someone else has come by for an early dinner when his eyes land on Olivia guiding Spencer by the hand over to a table near the front closer to the door.

“We can go somewhere else if you want.” Jordan offers after he turns around in the booth after seeing the way Asher’s face falls at the restaurant’s new occupants to find his twin and her new boyfriend, their old teammate, looking over the laminated menus.

“No, it’s fine,” Asher says sucking in a sharp breath as he crosses his arms over his chest bracing his feet against the hardwood floor beneath the table to keep himself from slipping out of the seat and onto the grime covered floor.

 _She looks so happy now. I’m sure she never smiled that much when we were together._ He thinks casting a cautious glance over to Olivia when he hears her laughter fill the room at something that Spencer whispered into her ear before he turns away before she has the chance to lock gazes with him.

“So, how about some pizza?” JJ suggests after hearing Asher’s stomach growl before his does the same as he looks over the menu.

“Pizza is always a good idea.” Jordan agrees looking up from his own menu to smile at his two best friends. “You still like sausage and pepperoni right Ash?” He asks after waving over the waitress.

“Yeah,” Asher answers with a stiff nod swallowing to find his throat dry even though he has finished his water deciding that he would take the waitress up on her offer of a refill after all.

Later with only half of their second pizza remaining, Asher looks down at the one slice he put on his plate that he only ate the toppings off of since as soon as he went to take a bite he found that he didn’t have an appetite.

“Are you not hungry Ash?” Jordan observes after eating more slices of pizza than he kept count feeling overly full as he places his half-eaten crust onto his plate when he looks over to his friend’s plate to find his slice without any toppings but otherwise it remained untouched.

“Not really. Sorry I didn’t mean to waste anything.” Asher apologizes feeling his cheeks light up with what he knows is a deep shade of red as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Hey, no worries. We’ll get you a to-go box in case you want a snack later.” Jordan explains in a gentle tone with a wink before he gets up to go over to the counter.

“We can meet up early before school if you want to Ash so me and Jay can show you that play,” JJ says hooking a loose arm over his best friend’s shoulders feeling him tense at first at the sudden contact before he relaxes.

“Yeah, that’d be cool.” Asher agrees with the first genuine smile that has crossed his face since he and Olivia broke up.

“So, Ash said he could meet up tomorrow with us,” JJ tells Jordan before he can even sit down as they both smile over to their best friend.

“That’s great! The new play really plays to your strengths as a wide receiver Ash.” Jordan explains placing the slices of pizza into the Styrofoam tray before sliding it across the table to Asher. “So, how about we meet up at seven? That would give us about an hour.” He says already setting his alarm for an hour earlier than his usual wake up time.

“Sounds good to me.” JJ agrees with a nod as he and Jordan both look over to their best friend waiting for his answer.

“Yeah, I can meet up with you guys at seven.” Asher decides since he knows that he has nothing else to do and not that anyone else would want him around anyway.

 _I have no idea why they are still friends with me…_ Asher thinks covering up his doubt with a fake smile as Jordan and JJ take turns giving him a high five before they stand up from the booth.

He lets out a relieved breath when he sees the table that Olivia and Spencer occupied now empty except for their dirty dishes piled neatly in the center.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Asher calls over his shoulder before he gets in his car after both Jordan and JJ pull away toward their own houses as he puts his car in drive before driving slowly toward his house that is anything but a home.

***

The next morning Asher walks downstairs to find his dad passed out on the couch with too many beer bottles to bother counting littered across the carpet in front of the couch and some which had rolled under the coffee table.

He stands with a fear icing through his veins and his heart hammering in his chest before he hears his dad’s heavy breathing breaks through the rushing sound the blood makes as it pulses against his eardrums as he thinks with his head spinning about how many times last year he stood in the same spot listening for an indication that his dad was still alive.

“I’m sorry,” Asher whispers as he covers his dad with the blanket from the back of the couch like he has so many times in the past watching his chest rise and fall a few more times before he backs away being careful not to trip on any of the empty bottles as he does. 

_I don’t know if I can watch you do this again dad_. He realizes with tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he turns away from his dad swallowing down the guilt that he feels at knowing that his dad is only drinking again because of him and the constant disappointment he must feel at having him for a son.

Inhaling a shaky breath with his hand wrapped around the doorknob he fights the urge to cut another line into his scar covered thighs as his skin crawls with the sensation of needing an escape from the guilt he feels with every thought of how everyone would be happier without him around.

_My dad wouldn’t need to drink anymore, or he wouldn’t have to be disappointed in me when it comes to football._

_My mom could go on as many trips as she wanted without having to worry about coming back to spend time with me._

_And my friends, well JJ and Jordan since they are the only ones that talk to me anymore, could have fun again without having to worry about me all the time._

After putting distance between himself and his dad after he climbs behind the wheel Asher lets out a long breath willing his taunting thoughts to go away before he texts a quick message to his, JJ’s, and Jordan’s group text that he is on his way as the clock on his car’s dash clicks over to 7:01 a.m. 

“There you are, Ash!” JJ exclaims with a cheerful smile as he waves him over after spotting him jogging across the field toward them.

“I’m sorry I’m late I overslept.” Asher apologizes letting the lie roll off his tongue without a second thought because the real reason was something, he was never going to tell anyone. Which the real reason he was late to their meet up was that after he showered, he had made a new cut into his right thigh below the scabbed over ones because he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that his friends were getting tired of him which he didn’t blame them for if they were because he was getting really tired of himself.

“It’s cool. We still have time to show you the play.” Jordan assures him before bending down to pick up the football that he and JJ had been passing back and forth while they waited.

“Okay,” Asher says letting himself enjoy the time left they have before school and the time he has left with his friends before they decide to leave him like everyone always does after he fucks everything up.

After his last class of the day Asher stands by his opened locker in the locker room gathering up the courage to walk inside the coach’s office since he had told him he wanted to talk to him as he, JJ, and Jordan were walking off the field before class which was all he could think about all day.

 _I wonder what he wants. Maybe he knows about that I am using steroids._ He thinks as he opens his locker to check to see if the vial and syringes are still there buried beneath the football equipment which to his relief they are.

Inhaling a shuddering breath, he shuts his locker finally deciding that he might as well get the conversation with the coach over with sooner rather than later.

With each step, he takes toward the door he thinks of how the last time he entered the office alone was to talk to Coach Baker about his steroid usage.

 _I really am such a fucking idiot._ He thinks shaking in his head as he almost walks back over to his locker to finally reveal his secret to his new football coach.

“You wanted to see me, Coach?” Asher asks swallowing nervously as he knocks softly on the opened office door still feeling how strange it is to have someone else behind the desk other than Jordan and Olivia’s dad.

“Yeah, shut the door please.” The coach instructs not even bothering to look away from his computer screen as he waves him into the cramped office space. “Adams, we need to talk about what happened during the last game on Friday night because I didn’t take this job so that I could watch my team lose.” The man tells the teen as he takes off his reading glasses pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yes, sir,” Asher says with a small nod taking a seat in the all too familiar chair.

“So, are you going to explain how the hell you let yourself get tackled so easily within the first five seconds of the game?” The coach asks in his gruff voice that grates heavily against Asher’s already frayed nerves.

“I was lost in my thoughts and I—” Asher begins to explain keeping his expression neutral before he is cut off by a mocking laugh.

“You don’t have time to think out there on the field Adams. Your job while you out there is to catch the ball and score and to keep the other team from doing the same.” The coach tells him eyeing his player with such a look of intensity that Asher is sure that he knows about his steroid usage.

“I’m sorry I let you and the team down sir.” Asher apologizes as he thinks that is all that ever does.

“Just don’t let it happen again. So, Baker and Parker showed you the new play this morning?” The coach observes as he had been watching his three strongest players which he would never voice that fact out loud run the new play.

“Yeah, they did sir,” Asher tells him tapping his fingers nervously on the arm of the chair as he can almost hear the unasked question that hangs in the air between them. “Is there anything else?” He inquires glancing toward the door before he meets his coach’s gaze once more.

“I’m just letting you know Adams that I will not tolerate the usage of performance-enhancing drugs on my team as Baker did.” The coach states with a pointed look as he rests his clasped hands out in front of him on the desk.

“Right,” Asher says in agreement as he knows is a deal that he can’t fully agree to because the only way that he is ever going to be half as good as his teammates is if he continues to use steroids. “Is that all you wanted me for?” He asks leaning forward until he is barely hanging to the edge of the seat.

“Yeah, I’ll see you at practice, Adams.” The coach tells him with his eyes focused once again on his computer screen.

Asher lets out a nervous breath after he shuts the coach’s office door behind him as he wonders what the Hell is going to do until practice starts in an hour.

***

“Are you ready to go run that play for real this time?” JJ asks as they walk out of the locker room after getting changed into their practice gear.

“Yeah,” Asher says as his hands shake with nerves when he realizes that he forgot his gloves in his locker. “Shit, I forgot my gloves.” He explains as he turns back toward the locker room as the rest of the team continues out onto the field.

He puts in the combination without thinking about what the numbers mean when he reaches for the real reason he came back since he had purposefully left his gloves behind in his locker.

 _I’ll just take a little bit for this practice since I need to prove to the coach that he can count on me_. Asher thinks as he quickly draws up a small dosage of steroids in his second to last syringe.

He injects the needle into his skin above the green bruise from the last dosage he took before the game as he hopes that it will be enough for him to be able to run the plays.

“What the hell are you doing?” Asher hears a familiar voice filled with anger ask as he looks over to find Jordan standing there with a shocked look on his face before it darkens with an expression of disgust.

“I can explain…” Asher starts to say before he quickly turns around placing the syringe onto the shelf in his locker. 

“I can’t believe that you would do this _again_ after everything my dad did for you to get you back on the team,” Jordan exclaims shaking his head at his best friend.

“I’m sorry I’m just not good enough at football like you, JJ, and the rest of the team,” Asher tells Jordan taking a hesitant step forward as he swallows against the growing lump in his throat when his best friend since he was five takes two steps back away from him.

“And you think this is the answer for you to get better? You’re more fucking desperate for approval and praise than I thought.” Jordan scoffs feeling his face flush with anger.

“I’m just trying to get a scholarship to college and then everyone can just fucking forget that I ever existed,” Asher explains with his voice coming out as almost a shout as he curls his fingers into his palms until his nails dig into his skin.

“Well, you can already consider that I’ve forgotten you and the same goes for JJ and the rest of the team when I tell them that you’ve been juicing _again_ ,” Jordan shouts back throwing his hands up in frustration.

“Please don’t tell them…” Asher pleads biting his bottom lip as his words catch in his throat. 

“Oh, I am going to because I don’t owe you a damn thing. I just can’t understand why you would do this especially after everything JJ and I have done for you.” Jordan says through gritted teeth. 

“Because no one understands how hard it is for me to never be good enough at anything…” Asher explains feeling foolish that he has just thrown away everything _again_.

“So, you’re going to use your lame ass excuse again that you had another moment of weakness,” Jordan exclaims remembering their fight last year in the locker room where they stood in the exact same spot. 

“I—” Asher starts to say before Jordan cuts him off abruptly.

“You know what? I don’t give a damn what you have to say because it’s just going to be another lie or a pathetic explanation.” Jordan decides taking another step backward toward the door.

“Jordan, please I’m sorry.” Asher apologizes reaching his hand out only grasping at air.

“No, Ash you’re only sorry that you got caught,” Jordan tells his best friend before he turns away from him ignoring the way that his eyes are shining with tears.

Asher watches through blurry vision as the locker room door falls shut behind his friend that he always considered as the brother he never had until he went and fucked things up between them last year when he betrayed the team before the Homecoming game.

 _How the fuck could things get any worse than there are right now?_ Asher wonders as he slams his locker door shut before he sits down heavily on the wooden bench hiding his head in his hands letting the tears finally down his face since he knows right now that Jordan is out there on the field exposing his darkest secret to JJ who was the last person in his life that he thought gave a damn about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this third chapter and this story so far which I hope that you are enjoying reading! <3
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _Would Anyone Care_ and I hope to have it posted tomorrow! (And just as a little preview Olivia and Asher will have a conversation in the chapter. What do you think they will talk about?) <3
> 
> P.S. I just want to say how much it has meant to me to have your guys support over the last year on my stories. I know these are only fan fiction stories, but I took a big leap of faith by posting my first story and also by believing in myself that I could write something that was good and enjoyable! So, thank y'all so much for reading my stories, leaving such sweet and encouraging comments, and for the kudos! You guys make me smile so much! Here's to many new stories in the new year!!! 😁


	4. Would Anyone Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Asher feels like he is losing everything again he considers making a drastic life choice since he knows that no one would care anyway about what happens to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new chapter of this story that I hope you all are enjoying so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well!
> 
> I am so sorry that it took me longer than I was planning to post a new chapter which I hope that the length will make up for the long wait, but I got stuck on how to write out the scenes but then I finally figured it out! So, I hope that you will find that chapter flows well with the rest of the story so far. :)
> 
> And I just want to add a disclaimer that I am not a doctor or type of medical field person, so I had to do quite of bit research for this one. So I tried to make this as realistic as possible. And if there are any details that I need to change then please let me know. ;) 
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher is going to spiral and hit rock bottom and things will be getting really dark.
> 
> The chapter name was taken from a title of a song called _Would Anyone Care_ by the band _Citizen Solider_ — who are such an amazing band! :D
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. But I wanted to especially warn for anyone who may be triggered by reading about self-harm that this chapter does contain a rather graphic scene of the action of self-harm. And also, not that I want to spoil anything, but I also want to responsibly warn for the topic of suicide and the act of it that is heavily mentioned in this chapter. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> P.S. I promise that in the next chapter things will start to look up for Asher and that this story is going to have an eventual happy ending. 😉 
> 
> P.S.S. Thank y'all for reading and for making this my most quickly read story that I've ever posted - nearly 200 hits so far! I hope that it has been an enjoyable story so far! Only two more chapters left! <3

With the evening sky painted a swirl of pastel watercolors as the sun sinks closer to the horizon line Asher climbs to the top of the bleachers taking a seat in the same spot that he met Olivia at a week earlier after he watched from his own car as his teammates walked from the locker room and to their cars without looking over at him.

 _They won’t have to worry about me fucking up any more plays or games for them._ He thinks with a weary sigh looking down at his duffel bag beside his feet filled with the few belongings from his locker including the vial of steroids and the syringes and his jersey that he knows he won't ever be wearing again as the conversation he just had with the coach plays over again in his mind.

_“Hey. Coach do you have a minute?” Asher asked after he knocked hesitantly on the open office door._

_“Sure.” The coach told him waving him inside the office. “I don’t take lightly to my players missing two practices in a row Adams.”_

_“I'm sorry I—” Asher began to apologize as he hovered in the doorway._

_“Baker told me you were sick so I will cut you some slack this time.” The coach explained as he leaned back in his black leather desk chair with his arms crossed over his chest._

_“What?” Asher asked in a shocked expression after he took a seat in the chair he sat in earlier as he was sure that Jordan with how angry he had been at him had told everyone about him using steroids again._

_“Yeah, he said you had some kind of stomach bug or something, so I expect you to be early for every future practice ready to put in the hard work.” The coach told him with a pointed look._

_“And what if I don’t what to do that anymore?” Asher asked as he settled his eyes on his lap as the stern look that the coach was sending him became too much._

_“Do what anymore?” The coach questioned curiously staring over at the young man in front of him._

_“Football or anything else,” Asher answered as he lifted his gaze back up from his lap with his vision now blurred with tears._

_“Are you saying you quit my team?” The coach inquired tilting his head to the side as he studied the emotions playing over his wide receiver’s face._

_“Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying,” Asher said in a blank tone with a shrug._

_“Okay. If that’s what you want…” The coach finally said trailing off at a loss for words._

_“It’s what everyone wants,” Asher stated knowing that the team would be a lot better off without him out on the field with them._

_“Adams look I’m not going to beg you to be on the team because Coach Baker already did that bidding for you.” The coach explained shaking his head._

_“Well, he shouldn’t have,” Asher said as he bit his bottom lip as guilt filled him at the thought of how Coach Baker had still taken up for him after everything, he did to betray the team._

_“He told me that you needed the team. So, I was willing to give you a chance.” The coach told his starting wide receiver that he hated to lose at this pivotal point in their season._

_“Then you can tell him thank you for me when the Eagles face off with Crenshaw,” Asher said with a feeling of sadness and regret as he thought how he wouldn’t be a part of that game or any other games for that matter._

_“And what one hell of a matchup that’s going to be with that James kid.” The coach said looking down at his clipboard with ideas for new plays that he now was going to have to rethink since he was losing his best wide receiver._

_“Yeah, he’s the best,” Asher stated unable to keep the edge out of his voice as he thinks how Spencer is now with Olivia and that he and Crenshaw would probably win the state championship._

_“You’re a really good player too Asher.” The coach told him wishing that the young man in front of him would believe what he was telling him with a sympathetic smile on his face._

No, I’m not but I know you are just saying that as parting words _. Asher thought as he nodded before getting up from the uncomfortable chair and walking out of the office for what he knew was going to be for the last time without a look back._

Asher tenses when he jerks his head up after hearing footsteps approaching to find Jordan climbing the bleacher steps with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I'm sorry about all those things I said earlier in the locker room." Jordan apologizes shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot as he stands next to his best friend feeling the the same tension from before still hanging in the air between them.

"It's not like I didn't deserve it." Asher states with a shrug briefly catching his eyes before he averts his gaze back out to the football field.

"You didn't deserve that Ash.“ Jordan tells him letting out a long sigh. "I didn’t tell the coach about what I caught you doing,” He explains as soon as he sits down beside his best friend who is still avoiding making eye contact.

“Thanks…” Asher says trailing off as he continues to look down at his feet. “But I quit the team.” He finally admits after taking in a deep breath forcing himself to look his best friend in the eye.

“Why the hell did you do that for?” Jordan asks unable to hide the shock from his voice as his eyes narrow.

“Because I’m tired, Jay,” Asher explains with a shrug looking back out to the football field with long shadows cast across the muddy grass from the tall field lights.

“Well, just go home and rest,” Jordan says as if it’s the most obvious solution in the world.

“If only that would help…” Asher mumbles letting out a long sigh feeling the exhaustion he hasn’t been able to shake off these last few weeks weigh him down even more.

“Ash…” Jordan starts to say but he trails off at a loss for words at how to help his best friend.

“Just forget it Jordan. You already said it yourself that you’ve forgotten that I already existed so now everyone else can too.” Asher exclaims his words coming out sharper than he means for them to because all he really wants to say is how he needs help.

 _But I’ve already burdened everyone so much with all the shit I’ve put them through._ He thinks as tears burn in his eyes as he picks up his duffel bag before getting up from the bleachers as he turns to walk away from his best friend and the help he knows he could provide him with but that he won’t ever ask for because he doesn’t know how to.

“Asher…” Jordan calls watching his best friend's retreating form with a mix of worry and disbelief icing through his veins as he wonders how the hell, they have become so distant. 

After he makes it to his car which is the only one left in the parking lot besides Jordan’s mustang Asher throws his duffel bag into the backseat not caring when the contents of the bag fall out into the floorboard since he won’t be using them anymore before he climbs behind the wheel. With a shuddering breath as he tries to keep the tears from falling, he puts his car in reverse and backs out of his parking spot before Jordan can come and try to get him to stay or ask him what is wrong.

Because he knows deep down that no one really gives a fuck about what happens to him as he swallows down the lump of thick emotion as he meets his eyes in the rearview mirror before he flicks his gaze back out to the road as he makes a left turn towards his house.

***

The next morning thirty minutes after his alarm goes off Asher finally throws back his covers and drags himself out of bed not even caring when he doesn’t have time to take a shower as he pulls his Beverly High hoodie over his head covering the stained t-shirt underneath.

“Shit.” He mutters when the rough denim material of his jeans rubs harshly against the fresh line of cuts, he left along his right calve last night.

“Asher?” He hears his dad call before a knock sounds on his bedroom door.

“I’m fine dad. I just stubbed my toe on the bedpost.” Asher calls back letting the lie roll off his tongue without a second thought as he steps into his sneakers.

“You’re going to be late,” Harold informs his son as he looks down at his wristwatch to find that it’s after seven-thirty.

 _I don’t fucking care._ Asher thinks as he bites down on his lip hard enough that he can taste blood to keep himself from screaming it out loud.

“I’m ready,” Asher states stepping out into the hallway brushing past his dad with his nearly empty backpack feeling like it weighs a thousand pounds.

“I made breakfast,” Harold says following his son down the stairs as he ties his tie into a neat knot before checking his breath to make sure it smells of the alcohol-based mouthwash instead of the alcohol he has drunk for the last four days.

“I’m not hungry,” Asher tells him without even looking back as he wraps his hand around the doorknob.

“How was football practice? I didn’t get to ask you last night.” Harold asks after he grabs his briefcase from the couch.

“Is that all I am to you? A _damn_ football player.” Asher questions his voice coming out as a shout as he turns around to face his dad with his cheeks flushed red with anger.

“Well, no but I was just curious,” Harold says stumbling over his words after the shock of his son’s outburst wears off.

“Practice went like shit because I quit the damn team,” Asher admits turning around to pull the door open when his dad’s hand on his arm stops him.

“What do you mean that you quit the team?” Harold inquires not believing his own ears at what his son just admitted to him. “But you love football.” He says giving his son’s arm a gentle squeeze.

“No, you’re the one that always loved football even more than you did me,” Asher tells him through gritted teeth before he shakes his dad’s hand away from his arm before throwing open the door. “And you don’t have to tell me dad because I see it in your face how much of a fucking disappointment, I am to you now and that I always have been.” He says turning around briefly to lock gazes with his dad before he turns on his heel and hurries down the front steps ignoring his dad’s call for him to come back all the way to his car. 

After his first class which he hadn’t listened to a damn word that his teacher had said and how he had iced out any attempt at a conversation that JJ tried to make he ignores the sixth missed call from his dad before he heads downstairs to his locker.

 _Fuck._ He mutters under his breath when he sees Olivia leaning back against the locker to his as she lifts her eyes up from her phone to meet his and he swears they are shining brighter than he has ever seen them.

“Hi.” Olivia greets with a small wave as she adjusts her purse strap further up onto her shoulder after he steps up next to her.

“Hey.” Asher greets back looking down the hallway for someone to pull him away from this conversation, but he only sees a group of freshmen, so he puts in his locker combination feeling her eyes on him the whole time.

“So, how are you doing?” Olivia asks casually as if they are friends catching up after a few months of not talking instead of exes who can barely look each other in the eyes.

“Fine.” He answers too quickly for there to be any truth to it as he exchanges his history textbook out for his math one.

“You know I can still tell when you’re not okay right?” She inquires with a knowing look as she searches his face.

“Yeah, it was always one of your greatest gifts being able to read people as well as you do.” Asher compliments her before he clears his throat shutting his locker door.

“So, Jordan told me that you quit the football team,” Olivia says wanting nothing more than to reach out and give his hand a comforting squeeze, but she keeps her hands down by her sides instead.

“I did.” He affirms with a stiff nod before he steps around her walking toward his next class.

“Why would you quit though? Football was always so important to you.” She inquires following so close behind him that he can feel her warm breath on his neck causing chill bumps to appear on his skin.

“I’ve already lost the most important thing in my life.” He tells her truthfully which is the most honest that he has been with anyone in months.

“Ash…” She says placing a gentle hand on his forearm causing him to stop as he is sure that she can feel the line of faintly red cuts through the fabric of his sweatshirt sleeve that are still slightly visible in the direct sunlight.

“Look Olivia I’m not your problem anymore or the team’s or anyone else’s so everyone can just go on living like I never existed,” Asher explains pulling his arm free of her featherlight hold as he feels guilt bubble into the pit of his stomach at the hurt look that flashes through her beautiful brown eyes.

“No one’s going to do that Ash.” She promises him in a whisper with her voice breaking when she says his name as she wishes she could hug him like she has so many times before.

“Well you all _fucking_ should,” Asher tells her turning to walk away down the hallway leaving behind his worried and hurt ex-girlfriend before he has the chance to look into her caring eyes once more and before he allows himself to tell her everything.

Letting out a long breath Asher takes his seat in the back of the classroom thankful that this is one class that he doesn’t have any _friends_ in so that there won’t be any questions to not answer and worried looks to avoid as he doesn’t even bother to unzip his backpack to get out his math textbook when the teacher instructs the class to since he didn’t even do the homework assignment anyway.

Because he just doesn’t fucking care about anything anymore.

***

With his stomach taking a violent lurch at the sight of the spaghetti that is scooped onto his lunch tray he is sure that he is going to barf all over the food before he swallows thickly to keep the bile from rising up his throat as he holds tightly to the edges of the plastic tray. After paying for the food he knows that he isn’t going to even attempt to eat he walks out into the already crowded common area since he came to lunch fifteen minutes late since he was hiding in the bathroom.

“Hey, Ash over here.” He hears a familiar voice call from where he knows his group of friends and his former teammates are sitting in their usual spot.

Asher lets himself lock gazes with JJ for a brief second before he shakes his head and turns around to dump his untouched food into the trash feeling foolish for wasting the food.

“Ash wait up!” He hears JJ say from behind as he jogs to catch up with as Asher lets out a frustrated sigh.

“What?” Asher asks feeling exhausted already at the thought of having to have another conversation today.

“Aren’t you going to come sit with us?” JJ inquires with his signature wide grin spreading across his face as he places his hand in a loose grip on his best friend’s shoulder.

“Not today,” Asher tells him bluntly avoiding his eyes as he looks over JJ’s shoulder to where Jordan and Olivia are watching them with a curious and worried look in their identical brown eyes.

“Well, why not?” JJ asks as his grin falters slightly as he studies Asher’s face more closely to find the dark shadows underneath his eyes that look like bruises.

“I’m not a part of the team anymore,” Asher states wishing that everyone would just leave him alone.

“That doesn’t mean you still can’t sit with us. Look me and you were friends way before we started playing football and you not being on the team isn’t going to change that.” JJ assures him with his grin widening once more. 

“You may feel that way, but I am not so sure that everyone else does,” Asher says looking down momentarily at the ground before he meets JJ’s gaze again. “And I just remembered that I have a paper due in my next class that I forgot to print off last night, so I was going to the library,” Asher explains hoping that his best friend will believe his lie.

“Are you okay Ash?” JJ questions knowing that his friend is going to brush him off after he nods accepting his explanation that he doesn’t fully believe.

“I’m fine JJ,” Asher tells him letting out a long breath as he meets his gaze once more with a fake smile that he hopes is convincing.

“If you’re sure,” JJ says in a skeptical tone giving Asher’s shoulder a comforting squeeze before he lets his hand fall limply to his side.

“I’m sure,” Asher says with a nod as he widens his fake smile wishing that he could ask for help but he can’t bring himself to voice the words out loud because he is afraid.

 _I’m not okay but I know that no one honestly cares if I am or not anyway_. Asher thinks as he watches JJ walk back over to their group of friends before he turns away from their questioning gazes that he knows can see right through his facade.

***

An hour after his dad had arrived home from work and Asher had changed out of his jeans and into a pair of ball shorts he takes a seat on the carpet leaning his back against his bed with the moonlight filtering through his bedroom window he brings the razor blade to his skin for his tenth attempt to cut a new line of cuts into his left calve when a knock sounds at his door.

“Asher, I ordered some pizza if you want some.” His dad offers after clearing his throat.

“I’m not hungry dad,” Asher tells his dad with his voice coming out strained as he leans his head back against the edge of his mattress as tears burn in his eyes as he pierces the tip of the razor blade into the unmarred skin on his calve wishing that his dad would open the unlocked door.

“Okay. I’ll save you some.” Harold decides letting out a tired sigh before he turns away from his son’s bedroom door.

 _“I need help dad_ …” Asher whispers with tears streaming down his face as his dad’s descending footsteps echo throughout his silent bedroom as he continues to leave behind line after line along his skin as an apology.

_I’m sorry dad._

_I’m sorry mom._

_I’m sorry Olivia._

_I’m sorry Jordan._

_I’m sorry JJ._

_I’m so fucking sorry I was never good enough for any of you._

He breaks down into a sob when he looks down to find the six new cuts that he etched into his left calve are deeper and are bleeding a lot more than any of the other cuts he has ever left behind before.

_I’m so fucking sorry…_

He clamps the palm of his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound of his cries that escape past his chapped lips so that his dad won’t hear him as he presses a large amount of toilet paper to his bleeding skin ignoring the way it stings as the blood instantly stains the through the thin tissue-like paper.

Without any sense of how much time has passed and the only sound reaching his ears is the ringing coming from inside his own head Asher pulls himself slowly off the carpet after making sure that the new cuts have now stopped bleeding.

He tiptoes out of his bedroom and down the short hallway to the bathroom holding his breath for ten seconds when a floorboard creaks loudly beneath his bare feet before he clicks the bathroom door shut softly behind him.

Opening the medicine cabinet, he avoids meeting his gaze in the mirror as he scans over the various bottles and jars arranged on the shelves until he finds his dad's bottle of muscle relaxers from a few months ago when he pulled a muscle in his back that is still half full.

 _Cyclobenzaprine_ _._ He reads before he types the name of the medicine into the internet search bar on his phone. Clicking on the first search result that pops up he scrolls down the page until he finds the section about possible risks of an overdose.

He uncaps the lid on the bottle before pouring the pills into his palm counting them to find there is fifteen which according to the information on the webpage is more than enough for an overdose.

Closing his fingers over his palm hiding the pills from his view he skims over the symptoms of an overdose caused by the muscle relaxers.

_Respiratory depression._

_Hallucinations._

_Lethargy and confusion._

_Coma._

_Seizures._

_Hypotension._

_Drowsiness or dizziness._

_Maybe I would just pass out, but I would hate for my dad to find me like that. I mean I didn’t even leave a note._ Asher thinks after the screen on his phone goes black and he opens his palm again as he looks down at the way for all of his pain to stop.

 _This shouldn’t hurt._ He thinks meeting his gaze in the mirror to find his eyes shadowed with a look of sadness and fear.

 _Everyone will just forget about me anyway if they haven’t already since I know they don’t care about me anymore after everything I’ve done._ He reasons with himself as he lifts the handful of pills to his mouth.

 _I am so sorry but I just couldn’t take the weight of the world that has been pressing down on my chest…_ He imagines the apology that he wishes he had written down before he lets the pills fall one by one into his mouth from his sweaty palm.

 _This is going to be better for everyone…_ He tells himself as he studies his reflection with a sickly hue cast over his features from the fluorescent bulb in the overhead light and how his cheeks are now puffed out since he is pressing some of the pills to the roof of his mouth with his tongue and the others have settled along the inside of his cheeks.

 _Just one swallow and it will all be over…_ He promises himself as he cups his hand under the faucet to catch some water to help him to be able to swallow the pills easier when his phone vibrates in his other hand that he had forgotten that he was even holding.

With glazed-over eyes, he looks down at the screen that seems to be on the brightest setting he has ever seen when he sees he has a new message in the group chat between him, Olivia, Jordan, and JJ that he had forgotten that he was even a part of.

Without giving his mind a chance to talk him out of it he opens the letter length message that Olivia has sent him.

_Ash,_

_I am typing this out but this message is also from Jordan and JJ too. We have all been talking and we have all been noticing how much you have been spiraling lately and we are so worried about you._

_We all are here for you and want to help you in any way that we can. We also know you really well after all of these years of friendship so we know that you would never actually ask us for help. So, here we are asking you to please let us help you. We are so scared that something bad is going to happen to you._

_And we also know you well enough to know that you are blaming yourself for everything that has ever gone wrong. But please don’t because we understand who you are as a person and we forgive you for it all._

_You will always be our best friend and we love you so much._

_So, Asher no matter how bad things may seem right now please know that we are here for you and that we will do anything in the world to help you get better._

_WE LOVE YOU._

_Your best friends,_

_Liv, Jay, & JJ_

Through blurry vision, Asher scans his eyes back over the message taking in the six lines of rainbow-colored heart emoji’s that follow the text before he spits the fifteen pills into the bowl of the porcelain white sink gagging when one almost slips down his throat.

 _Maybe they do still care about me._ He thinks as he spits more saliva into the sink choking on the white powdered coating left behind by the pills that makes his tongue and mouth go numb.

 _What the fuck did I almost do?..._ He wonders with a fear icing through his veins as he stares down at the pills feeling the bile he has been swallowing down all day quickly rise in his throat.

 _I'm so sorry…_ He thinks as he falls to his knees in front of the toilet as he empties the contents of his stomach into the bowl.

 _I'm so fucking sorry._ He apologizes silently once more as he dry heaves with tears streaming down his face and as sobs start to wrack his trembling body.

After he is sure that he has nothing left in his stomach to throw up he flushes the vile stench of his vomit down the toilet before he sits back against the cool metal surface of the tub that instantly causes him to shiver.

He pulls at the collar of his t-shirt as it feels tight around his neck that is stuck to his body like glue from where he has sweated so much.

 _I’ve got to get help…_ He decides as his heart hammers so hard against his chest that he is sure that it is going to explode, and his breaths are getting harder and harder to inhale.

He shakily gets up from the tiled floor to find his legs are like jelly which causes him to almost fall face forward, but he takes in a few shuddering breaths before he tries again to put one foot in front of the other because he knows he has to get out of the suffocating atmosphere of the bathroom before the walls completely collapse down on top of him.

Asher feels like he is floating as he walks down the stairs one at a time feeling like he is going to fall at any moment as his head starts to spin and he feels completely disconnected from his body. He braces his hand against the wall as he walks through the kitchen and then into the living room to find his dad asleep on the couch with the television still on showing the ten o’clock news and the volume turned down low as the news anchors drone on and on sharing the latest sad stories.

“Dad.” Asher all but whispers in a hoarse voice as he stands over his dad's sleeping form thinking through the haze in his mind that he hopes his dad is only sleeping and that he isn’t passed out drunk. “Dad…” He tries again after clearing his throat hating how weak his voice sounds as he shakes his dad lightly by the shoulder.

“What?” Harold asks as he blinks his eyes open to find his son standing above him with tears streaming down his ghostly pale face. “Asher, what’s wrong?” He questions fully awake now as he stands up alarmed as he realizes his son is struggling to breathe.

“Dad…” Asher chokes out as his dad places both of his hands on his shoulders which he knows is the only thing that is keeping him from falling backward.

“Just breathe for me son, okay?” Harold instructs in a gentle tone as he guides his son to sit down on the couch. “In and out just like that.” He says when Asher finally takes in a shuddering breath as he rubs large comforting circles on his son’s back not caring when he finds his t-shirt soaked with sweat.

“I’m so sorry…” Asher apologizes hanging his head in shame as a loud sob escapes past his lips.

“What are you sorry for son?” Harold asks with his brow furrowing in confusion as he studies his son’s face that is scrunched up in anguish.

“Your pills I—” Asher begins to explain before his breath hitches in his throat as he remembers that the medicine his dad might need again is now ruined. 

“Did you take any of them?” Harold questions in a non-accusatory tone as he holds his breath waiting for his son’s response.

“Almost,” Asher answers honestly hiding his face behind his hands as he thinks about how he almost swallowed a half a bottle of pills.

“Okay. Everything is going to be fine.” Harold assures his son as he continues to rub circles on his son's back before he fishes his phone out of his pocket. “I’m going to call for some help. Okay?” He explains before he dials 9-1-1 because he knows that even though his son didn’t take any of the muscle relaxers that he still needs help that he can’t provide for him.

Instead of giving his dad a verbal response because he knows that no words will come out of his mouth Asher nods his head as tears continue to stream down his face before he pulls his knees up to his chest as he leans back against the couch.

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?” Harold hears the operator ask through the speaker on his phone.

“My son he just—” He starts to explain before he catches the way that Asher tenses at his words.

“Sir are you still there?” The operator asks after a moment of silence filters through the line.

“Yeah, I’m still here,” Harold says nodding even though the operator can’t see him. “My son he almost took some medicine and…” He explains running a tired hand down his face as he places his hand on his son's shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze.

“What's your address?”

“5258 Ocean Avenue.”

“Okay. How old is your son?”

“He’s seventeen.”

“And you said that he almost took some pills. What kind were they?” The operator asks after he types in the information he was just given. 

“My left over muscle relaxers from a pulled muscle I had in my back a few months ago.”

“And would you like to request medical personnel to your address?”

“Yeah, I would like to. I don’t know how to help my son…” Harold admits feeling ashamed that he hadn’t noticed that something so serious was going on with his son.

“Is he experiencing any active symptoms?”

“He’s been having a panic attack since he woke me up ten minutes ago. And he has some really deep cuts on his left calve.” Harold explains with his heart breaking as he watches Asher curl his legs tighter against his chest so that his cuts are no longer visible as he tries to take in another shuddering breath. 

“Were those cuts self-inflicted?”

“Yeah, they were.” Harold answers even though he isn’t one hundred percent sure that they are but guessing by how his son is hiding them he can only guess that they were.

“Okay. I am going to alert dispatch that your son is a self-harm and suicide risk.”

“Okay,” Harold says feeling his heart constrict at the sentence as he wills himself not to breakdown in front of his son.

“Alright, sir I have an ambulance being dispatched to your address. Is your son still having a panic attack?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Okay, so I am going to walk you through some simple steps to help him calm down. First, keep your voice at an even tone when you talk to him and keep assuring him that everything is going to be okay.”

“Hey, Ash I’m right here son. I’m right here. And everything is going to be okay. Help is on the way.” Harold tells his son in a soft tone rubbing more comforting circles on his back.

“I'm so sorry…” Asher apologizes again as he tries to desperately catch his breath.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for son. You were so brave to come down and tell me that you needed help.” Harold assures his son as tears gather in his eyes as the weight of the situation they are in settles into his chest. “Everything is going to be fine.” He promises his son even though he isn’t so sure that it’s going to be.

Ten minutes later Harold disconnects the call with the operator when he sees the red and blue flashing lights of the ambulance reflect through the glass panel on the front door.

“I’m going to let the paramedics in bub,” Harold tells his son before he gets up from the couch.

He hurries toward the door afraid to leave his son alone for too long.

“My son is on the couch,” Harold explains as soon as he opens the door waving the paramedics inside.

“Hey there bud. My name is Taylor and my partner's name is Jason and we are here to help you feel better.” The blond paramedic explains as she crouches down in front of Asher who is still sitting on the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest.

“Okay,” Asher whispers as he raises his head up to look at the two strangers wearing latex gloves that are staring at him with a lot more care in their eyes than he feels like he deserves. “Where's my dad?” He asks confused when he no longer sees his dad beside him on the couch.

“I'm right here son,” Harold tells him as he sits back down beside him placing a hand back on his shoulder as he nods toward the two paramedics.

“Can you tell us what’s going on with you tonight Asher?” Taylor, the paramedic, asks as she stands back up next to her partner.

“I was going to take some pills...” Asher answers after taking in a gulp of air his voice coming out strained as he glances over nervously to his dad.

“But he didn’t and came down to tell me instead so I could call for some help,” Harold explains sending his son an encouraging smile before he turns toward the paramedics.

“Okay, you both did the right thing tonight by calling for help,” Taylor assures them as she reaches into her bag for her blood pressure cuff. “I'm going to take your blood pressure. Okay?” She explains with a warm smile positioning the cuff on his arm after he sends her a hesitant nod.

“99/75.” Taylor reads off his vitals to her partner who types the vitals into the BP box on the tablet.

“Sir its protocol in cases like your son's that we collect the prescription drugs to help prevent further incidents,” Jason explains after Taylor has gained Asher's full attention with their conversation as Harold is thankful that the other man didn’t mention the phrase _suicide attempt_ in front of his son.

“Right. It’s upstairs in the bathroom.” Harold says as he slowly gets up from the couch to lead the way up the stairs.

Harold counts the round yellow pills coated in his son's salvia six times to make sure that the fifteen pills he knew were left in the bottle are in the sink instead of his son's body before he can breathe again.

 _Oh, Asher I am so sorry son._ Harold thinks as the realization of what his son was planning to do hits him like a ton of bricks.

 _How the hell didn’t I notice this?_ He wonders moving away from the sink so that the paramedic can collect the pills and the bottle before he places them both in a biohazard bag.

“We will dispose of them in a safe way.” The paramedic explains after he seals the bag before they turn to walk back downstairs.

“Thank you,” Harold says halfway down the stairs as he finally realizes that he didn’t say anything after the man cleaned up the pills from the sink that his son almost swallowed.

“You're welcome,” Jason tells him with a stiff nod. “This was one of the lucky cases.” He exclaims as they walk back into the living room to find that Taylor has placed an oxygen mask over Asher's face.

Harold nods slightly in response as the image of his son lying lifeless on their bathroom floor flashes through his mind and he has to agree with the seasoned paramedic that he and his son were very lucky tonight, but he knows of course that his son is anything but fine given his current mental state.

“He started panicking when he noticed that you were gone.” Taylor explains as she stands in line with her partner looking toward Harold.

“Hey, Ash I’m right here.” He assures his son as he takes his spot on the couch next to his son once more as he scoots closer to him sending him a warm smile.

“We are ready to transport,” Jason informs them after he says something into his radio that Harold didn’t listen to as he unbuckles the straps on the stretcher.

“Are you good to walk over to the stretcher?” Taylor asks as she moves back over to their patient.

Asher nods feeling so embarrassed that with the help of his dad and the very kind paramedic he is able to walk slowly over to the stretcher.

“Okay we’re all set bud.” Jason says after they bring the stretcher up to the full level as he looks down at Asher patting him on the shoulder before he and Taylor start to roll him out of the house.

“I'll meet you at the hospital Asher. I love you so much.“ Harold promises his son giving his hand a tight squeeze before they load him into the back of the ambulance.

“I love you too dad,” Asher tells his dad even though his voice is muffled by the oxygen mask, but he can tell by the teary smile that his dad sends him he heard him all the same.

 _Maybe someone actually does care about what happens to me._ Asher thinks with tears in his eyes as the ambulance doors slam shut and his dad vanishes from his view as Taylor takes her seat next to him hooking him up to the various machines to check more of his vitals as the ambulance pulls out of their driveway to make the quick drive to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this fourth chapter and this story so far which I hope that you have enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> And I know what an emotional roller coaster this chapter was, so I hope that y'all are doing okay after reading it!:) 
> 
> You can yell at me in the comments if you need to - I'll understand! ;D 
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _Better Than Today_ and I will be posting it very soon! <3
> 
> (Here's a little preview of what will be happening in the next chapter: Asher will be having to answer some hard questions, Asher's mom will be coming back, Asher's friends will be assuring him of why they stick around even when he tried so desperately to push them away.)


	5. Better Than Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of what almost happened with Asher all his darkest thoughts and secrets are now revealed as his parents show him how much they love and care about him in ways they never have before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y'all!! 😊
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new chapter of this story that you guys have been enjoying so much so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! :D 
> 
> So, this chapter will be the start of Asher's healing journey and a big part of that is reconnecting with his parents. But the beginning of his journey won't be easy and there is a lot of hurt/comfort in this chapter! :)
> 
> The chapter name was taken from a title of a song called _Better Than Today_ by _Rhys Lewis_ — which is such a beautiful song! :) 
> 
> Thank y'all so much for your support on this story so far it really has meant the world to me to know that you guys are loving this story that I am writing! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. But I wanted to especially warn for anyone who may be triggered by reading about self-harm, depression, suicide, suicidal attempts, and suicide attempt as these are discussed at great lengths in this chapter. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3
> 
> P.S. There is now going to be an extra chapter added to this story for a total of seven. So, I hope that y'all are excited about that! :D

After speeding all the way to the hospital which he is surprised that he didn’t get pulled over by a police officer on late-night patrol Harold steps through the automatic sliding doors of the hospital with his heartbeat quickening as he steps up to the receptionist sitting behind the patient check-in desk.

“How can I help you?” The young woman behind the desk asks in a too cheerful tone for this late of the night after she looks up from her computer screen when she hears footsteps to find the nervous father standing in front of her wringing his hands together.

“My son Asher Adams was brought in by ambulance,” Harold explains nervously swallowing against the lump that has been stuck in his throat since his son told him he almost swallowed a half bottle of pills.

“Okay. Let me look up and see which room he is in.” The receptionist says as she types the name into the hospital system. “Do you by chance have his insurance card with you?” She asks politely after she notices that the insurance information field is blank on the screen.

“Yeah. I do.” Harold says as he reaches into his back pocket for his wallet sliding out the insurance card that is in the slot below his maxed-out credit cards feeling grateful as he hands the card to the receptionist that he now has health coverage for his son since he started his new job back in July. 

“Alright. Thank you for that information. And it looks like your son is in trauma bay number four. Which is just through the door and to the right.” She explains as she hands him back the card before sending the father a warm smile as she presses the button to unlock the door that leads back to the emergency department.

“Thank you,” Harold tells her with a nod as he hastily steps toward the now unlocked door as he absent-mindedly slides the card back into its slot before he walks through the door into the bustling and tense atmosphere of the emergency department.

He takes in a deep breath as he stands in front of the trauma bay with the number four on a dark blue sign hanging by the sliding glass door before he pulls back the mint-colored privacy curtain his eyes instantly landing on his son who is curled into a fetal position on his right side with a nasal cannula now replacing the oxygen mask. “Hey, Ash I’m here just like I promised.” He whispers not wanting to startle his son after he sits down in the hard plastic chair that is next to the bed as he takes his son's hand in his own being careful of the IV that is now in the back of his right hand.

“I'm so sorry dad…” Asher apologizes as he locks gazes with his dad as fresh tears start to fall down his cheeks.

“Hey, everything is going to be okay. You're here now where the doctors can help you. And I’m going to be right by your side the whole time.” Harold assures his son as he wipes away the tears noticing how much younger his son looks right now under the harsh hospital lighting.

“Thank you,” Asher whispers with the emotion thick in his voice as he hopes that his dad knows how grateful he is that he helped him get the help that he had been so desperately needing for a very long time.

“You're welcome,” Harold tells his son fully understanding the reasons for his gratitude before the doctor appears in the doorway.

“So, how is my patient doing now?” The middle-aged doctor asks as he steps up on the opposite side of the bed.

“Better,” Asher answers with one corner of his mouth ticking up in a half-smile when he feels his dad squeeze his hand as they keep their gazes on each other.

“I'm glad to hear that. You must be his father.” The doctor guesses turning toward Harold with a nod.

“I am. My name is Harold.” Harold introduces himself glancing briefly toward the doctor.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Adams. I am Dr. Johnson and I will be overseeing your son's care while he is in the ED. So, just that you’re up to speed on his treatment so far, we have a bag of fluids going since he was dehydrated. And we also gave him a dose of lorazepam to help calm him down. And then once he is transferred to his room the psychiatrist will discuss his treatment in further detail.” The doctor explains looking down at his tablet while he recalls his patient’s course of treatment so far.

“Okay,” Harold says with a nod trying to digest all of the information the doctor just gave him.

“So, I've examined the cuts on his leg, and I determined that they will need stitches.” The doctor says gesturing toward the teen’s left leg before he moves over to the tray of small medical tools, he needs to stitch up the cuts.

“Please don’t leave…” Asher pleads as he tightens his grip on his dad's hand.

“I'm going to stay right here bub,” Harold promises him sending his son an encouraging smile before he nods toward the doctor.

“Okay, first I will be numbing your leg, so you won’t feel anything while we stitch up your cuts.” The doctor explains in a gentle tone waiting for his patient to give him a stiff nod before he continues.

Harold only sends his son another encouraging smile when his son tightens his grip on his hand so much that it causes his hand muscles to ache.

After fifteen tense minutes of the doctor stitching the deep self-inflicted cuts on Asher’s left calve Harold lets out a sigh of relief when the doctor announces that he is finished and Asher rolls onto his back.

“I hate to ask this, but it is the protocol for me too. Do you have any more cuts anywhere else on your body besides on your calves and your wrist?” The doctor asks in a gentle tone as he peers down at his young patient.

Asher presses his lips into a thin line as he stares down at his lap avoiding the questioning gazes of his dad and the doctor.

“Asher it's okay to show us if you have any more cuts because the doctor needs to look at them so he can make sure they aren’t infected or need stitches,” Harold tells his son in a soft and caring tone that he hasn’t used in years since his son was five-year-old and he was afraid of thunderstorms.

“I do have some more,” Asher affirms after a long moment of silence as he picks at the edge of the laminated identification bracelet on his left wrist.

“Would you like for your dad to step out while I examine the other cuts?” The doctor questions in an even tone after he pulls on a clean pair of latex gloves.

“Can he stay?” Asher asks hating how weak his voice sounds as he looks between his dad and the doctor with a fearful look in his eyes.

“Of course, he can.” The doctor assures him before he takes a step closer to the bed. “I’m going to let you show me your cuts whenever you’re ready. Okay?” He tells the scared young man letting him know that he is in full control of the situation.

“These cuts are older ones…” Asher explains trailing off as he lets out a long breath as he feels ashamed knowing how many cuts are littered along his inner thighs.

“Okay. Then that probably means that they are healed up and probably won’t require stitches.” The doctor tells him waiting patiently by the bedside until Asher is ready to show him where they are.

After he inhales a shuddering breath Asher with his left-hand trembling, he numbly lifts up the hem of the hospital gown that the nurse had made him put on shortly after he arrived to just below the hem of his boxers revealing at least twenty cuts along both of his inner thighs all of which have scabbed over.

Harold wants to scream and cry when he scans his eyes over the dozen or more healing cuts along his son’s skin that start at his mid inner thigh and end just above his knee as he thinks of the pain that his son must truly be in.

 _I’m so sorry son._ Is the apology that Harold hopes he is conveying with his eyes when he locks gazes with his son after he covered his cuts once more with the thin material of the hospital gown.

“Alright, those cuts won’t need any stitches. But your psychiatrist may want to see them later.” The doctor explains with a sympathetic smile as he watches how his patient tenses at the knowledge that he is going to have to expose his cuts to another stranger. “But for right now all you need to do is rest.” The doctor tells him after sharing a look with Harold as they both didn’t want to cause him another panic attack like he was having when he arrived in the emergency department.

“Thank you, Dr. Johnson,” Harold tells the doctor for both him and his son before they are left alone once more in the tiny trauma bay. “Do you need anything?” He asks his son giving his son’s hand another comforting squeeze as he continues to stare down at his lap.

“No…” Asher chokes out his response as he tries to hold back his tears, but a stray tear slips down his chapped cheeks anyway.

“Hey, it’s okay Asher,” Harold assures him scooting closer to the bed watching with sad eyes as his son wipes hastily at the tears that fall without restraint from his eyes.

“Nothing is okay dad…” Asher states feeling his heartbeat quicken at the thought that his dad now knows that he has been cutting and how much he had been.

 _God, I am so fucking stupid. I should’ve just swallowed those pills…_ He thinks as he shakes his head struggling to take in another breath with his throat filling like it is closing up again.

“Ash just breathe okay.” Harold gently instructs his son as a nurse steps into the small space from behind the privacy curtain with a tight smile on her lips and a look of deep concern in her hazel-colored eyes.

“What’s going on sweetheart?” The nurse asks referring directly to the teen who has now pulled his knees tightly up to his chest hiding his face from view before she glances up to the screen displaying his elevated heart rate. “Can you try and take in some deep breaths for me Asher.” She gently instructs after she carefully places her hand on his shoulder.

“I can’t…” Asher whispers as he lifts his head up to look for his dad. “I’m so sorry…” He apologizes as a sob slips between his now bleeding lips from where he had bitten down too hard with the copper taste of blood making him feel like he is going to throw up.

“Hey, it’s okay bud. I’m right here.” Harold assures his son for what feels like the hundredth time that night which he is going to keep saying as many times as it takes for his son to believe him.

“Is everything okay in here?” The doctor asks as he steps inside the trauma bay that he left just moments earlier rubbing hand sanitizer onto his hands before he pulls on another pair of latex gloves.

“He’s having another panic attack.” The nurse tells him as she steps back so the doctor can examine their patient.

“I’m just going to listen to your lungs. Okay?” The doctor explains not getting a response from the panicking teen before he presses his stethoscope onto his patient’s back. “Lungs are clear.” He informs the nurse who nods in response before he presses his stethoscope onto his patient’s chest. “Heart rate is elevated but no disturbances can be heard.” The doctor states locking eyes once more with the fellow father in the room who is watching the scene play out with wide fear-filled eyes. “Push another five milligrams of lorazepam.” He instructs the nurse as he stands by the bed to wait and see if the medication that is inserted quickly through the IV will be enough to calm the teen down.

“I’m right here son. I’m right here.” Harold assures his son as he takes hold of his hand once more after he leans back against the pillows as his breaths finally start to return to normal after a few tense moments.

“Dad. I’m so sorry…” Asher begins to apologize before his dad cuts him off. 

“It’s okay bud you have nothing to be sorry for. Everything is going to be okay.” Harold interjects gently giving both of his son’s hands a tight squeeze as he watches with relief as Asher nods slightly in response.

“Alright, it looks like the medication is working. So, we are going to leave you alone again so that you can get some rest.” The doctor states after watching his patient’s heartbeat return to normal on the screen.

“Thank you,” Harold tells the doctor and nurse with a grateful smile.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Adams.” The nurse says politely before she disappears behind the privacy curtain.

“He should be transferred to his room soon. But if you guys need anything in the meantime just let us know.” The doctor explains sending the father and son a small smile before he disappears behind the privacy curtain returning to his other patients.

“Are you thirsty or hungry?” Harold asks as he leans back in the uncomfortable plastic chair that is already causing the muscle in his back that he pulled months ago to ache.

“No,” Asher answers shaking his head as he licks the dried blood from his lips. “Dad I’m scared.” He admits bursting into tears as he thinks about how so easily those dark thoughts entered his mind again.

“It’s okay to be scared. But you were so very brave tonight by coming downstairs and telling me what was going on.” Harold tells him as he stands up so he can wrap his arm around his son’s shoulders ignoring the pain that shoots down his leg from his back.

“What if this happens again?” Asher asks in such a vulnerable tone that it brings tears to Harold’s eyes as he kisses the top of his son’s head.

“Then I’m going to be right here with you to help you through it. Just like I am doing right now.” Harold exclaims pulling back so he can wipe away his son’s tears with the pads of his thumbprints.

“Thank you for not leaving me dad,” Asher whispers letting himself be pulled against his dad’s chest as his tears instantly soak the stiff material of his dad’s dress shirt.

“And I’m never going to leave you, son.” Harold assures his son holding him until his cries have died down into quiet sniffles before he sits back down in the chair. “Do you remember what you told me that night after you served me with the divorce papers from your mom?” He asks as he takes hold of his son’s hand again after he covered his legs and torso with the blanket after he saw him shiver.

“Yeah. I’m still sorry about that dad…” Asher apologizes sucking in a sharp breath at the memory as he casts his eyes down to the thin white blanket.

“No, you don’t need to apologize for that because that was between your mom and I and we never should have involved you in it,” Harold explains quickly not meaning to guilt trip his son as he places his free hand under his chin lifting his head slightly so that their eyes meet. “But what I wanted to tell you is that just like you told me that night is that we still have each other and that we are going to be okay. And I’m always going to be here for you and that I’m not going anywhere.” He promises with tears blurring his vision at the barely-there smile that flicks across his son’s face. “I love you so much, son.” He says with his voice thick with emotion as he gets up from the chair to pull his son in for another hug.

“I love you so much too dad,” Asher whispers back with his voice muffled from where his face is pressed firmly against his dad’s chest as a few tears slip down his cheeks.

***

Later after Asher had gotten settled into his room on the psychiatric floor of the hospital now that the nasal cannula has been removed and he is now breathing fully on his own without hyperventilating and an hour after he had finally fallen asleep after the nurse had given him something to help him sleep Harold quietly makes his way out of the darkened room blinking his eyes against the bright hallway lights as he makes his way to the small waiting room to make the hardest call of his life.

Sitting down heavily in one of the vacant chairs across from the row of vending machines he searches in his wallet for his ex-wife’s new number that he had absent-mindedly written down on a scrap piece of paper while he listened to the voicemail, she had left along with the instructions to give the number to their son that he had regretfully forgotten to do he sighs when he finds it in between two long receipts from the liquor store.

With shaking fingers, he dials the unfamiliar number taking in a deep breath before he presses the phone up to his ear as the rings echo loudly in the quiet hallway.

“Harold?” Gwen asks sitting up against the headboard after she answers the call on the third ring looking at the digital clock on the condo’s bedside table to find it’s four o’clock in the morning.

“Hi, Gwen. I’m sorry if I woke you up…” Harold apologizes as he doesn’t even know what time it is right now, and he doesn’t have the slightest damn clue where his ex-wife is on her honeymoon.

“It’s fine. But what’s wrong? Did something happen to Asher?” Gwen asks the fear of something happening to her son icing through her as Jacob turns on his side to grab her hand.

“Um, Asher he almost…” Harold starts to explain before he trails off unable to say the words attempted suicide out loud as he hears a man’s muffled voice on the line that he can only assume that it is Jacob and despite everything he is glad that Gwen, the mother of his child, isn’t alone for the news she is about to hear.

“He almost what Harold? Where is my son?” Gwen questions slipping out from under the covers as she begins to pace around the rented bedroom.

“Gwen he is going to need us to help him through this,” Harold tells her in the calmest tone he can before he readies himself to break the news to her about what their son almost did. “But tonight, Asher almost swallowed my half bottle of muscle relaxers.” He explains shutting his eyes tightly against the tears that threaten to fall as it hits him of how close he was to losing his son.

“Oh my God my baby. I can’t believe I left him again. I—” Gwen exclaims in near hysterics as Jacob pulls her into his strong arms as she breaks down into sobs. “Are you guys at home or…” She inquiries after her sobs subside unable to finish her question as the thought of her son being in the hospital is too much as Jacob runs his hands up and down along her arms.

“We’re at Beverly Memorial. The psychiatrist is going to meet with Asher tomorrow morning since it was so late when he got transferred up to the floor.” Harold explains feeling like his mouth is full of cotton.

“Okay. I’ll try to get a flight as soon as I can. I’m only in Mexico City so I should be able to be there soon.” She exclaims moving to the closet to get her suitcase.

“Gwen there’s something else,” Harold says swallowing against the lump in his throat as he thinks of all the cuts littered across his son’s skin in varying stages of healing.

“What is it?” Gwen asks sitting down on the bed beside her suitcase taking in a deep breath waiting to hear what else could possibly be wrong with her son.

“He’s been self-harming. And he probably has at least thirty to forty cuts on different parts of his body.” Harold explains as gently as he can before shifting into a more comfortable position in the chair.

“Oh my God…” She says shaking her head as she thinks about all the pain her son has been in and she didn’t even see it and how she wasn’t even there to see it.

“I know. And I didn’t see any of this either.” Harold tells his ex-wife knowing that she is filled with the same guilt that he is at the dire situation that their son is currently in.

“Tell our baby I’m coming,” Gwen says in a determined tone as she stands up shakily from the bed as she moves across the plush carpet to get her clothes out of the top dresser drawer.

“I will.” Harold promises her before he clicks off the call as he stands up from the chair sliding his phone back into his pocket with the thought that he needs to call his boss once daylight breaks to find his legs and back are stiff as he walks across the four white tiles to the vending machines catching a glimpse of his reflection in the reflective window as the candy bar, he chose gets stuck before it falls to the bottom.

 _Damn it._ He mutters under his breath as he smacks his palm against the fingerprint smeared glass before he leans his forehead against the back of his hand.

 _I’m so sorry son._ He thinks as his thoughts drift to his son and how much he has been hurting these past few months and if he was honest he would guess he has been for years and how he knows that he is still hurting as the only way he was able to fall asleep was with the help of a strong dose of the medication.

Giving up on a snack that he knows he wouldn’t eat any way Harold sits back down in the same chair that he occupied just moments earlier as he searches in his wallet once more for another number — his sponsor’s number.

He swallows waiting for the other man to pick up, but he is greeted instead by his cheerful voicemail message.

“Hey, Chris. This is Harold Adams, and I am calling because I need to meet with you. I don’t know when I can because my son is in the hospital right now. But I lost my sobriety and well I need help. Just give me a call when you can.” Harold leaves his message with a sense of relief flooding through him as he is grateful that he asked for help this time before his drinking got out of control like it did last year.

Harold makes his way back down the hallway checking once more to make sure his phone is on silent before he slips back into his son’s room to find him thankfully still asleep.

“I’m right here Ash. And I love you so much.” He whispers as he smooths his son’s bangs off his forehead before he kisses the exposed skin softly to find it cool. 

Harold stands for a few minutes by his son’s bedside watching the heartbeat monitor run across the screen above his bed thankful to find his son’s heartbeat at a normal rhythm before he sits back down in the chair that he scooted as close to his son that the bed rails would allow.

“I’m right here.” He whispers once more as he reaches his hand through the bed rail so he can hold his son’s hand giving it a gentle squeeze and he isn’t sure if it’s just his imagination or the exhaustion, but he lets his eyes fall shut when he feels a featherlight squeeze tighten around his own hand.

***

The next morning Harold watches from where he is standing by the window as the early morning sunlight shines through it warming his back with a grateful smile as Asher finishes his third cup of red Jell-O which is the most, he has seen his son eat in a few weeks before he takes a long drink of lukewarm mediocre coffee.

“Your mom should be here sometime today,” Harold informs Asher after he throws away the Styrofoam cup in the trash can beside the bed.

“But she was on her honeymoon…” Asher says trailing off feeling guilty as he thinks his mom should be having a wonderful time instead of having to worry about him.

“And now she’s heading home because she wants to be here for you,” Harold explains sending his son a soft smile feeling a little more at ease when he responds with a nod.

“Are you going to eat breakfast dad?” Asher asks changing the subject after he finishes his second cup of orange juice.

“Yeah, I’ll grab something in a little while,” Harold tells him with a nod as a knock sounds on the door. “Come in.” He calls hoping that it's Asher’s mom but his smile falters slightly when he sees it is his doctor instead.

“Hi. I’m Dr. Isaacs and I will be overseeing your treatment while you are here and beyond if need be.” The young psychiatrist greets them with a polite smile as she looks over her patient’s chart. “How are you feeling this morning?” She asks as she takes a step further into the room.

“A little better,” Asher answers nervously feeling worried that he can’t say that he is one hundred percent better as he glances toward his dad watching as he thankfully sits back down in the chair beside his bed.

“Good. And it looks like you’ve been able to eat some this morning.” The doctor observes as she eyes the empty Jell-O and juice containers on his tray.

Asher nods in response feeling his stomach start to churn with nerves as he grips tightly at his bedsheets.

“What are you feeling right now?” The doctor inquires as she notices the white-knuckled grip he has on the sheets.

“I’m scared,” Asher answers honestly as his dad uncurls his right fingers from his hold on the sheets so that he can grab his hand.

“It's okay to be scared because that is an absolutely normal reaction to what you’ve been through. May I ask what you’re afraid of the most?” The doctor questions after she takes a seat in the chair against the wall under the loudly ticking clock.

“That this could happen again.” He tells her as he sends his dad a guilty look as he notices for the first time how exhausted he looks.

“Well, that is also a valid fear, but you are here now where I can help you so that we can prevent any further attempts.” The doctor explains catching the eyes of the worried father before she asks her next question. “Now this is just so that I will be able to better treat your condition, but have you ever had thoughts like you did last night before or after being hospitalized.” She wonders watching her patient's grip tighten on the sheets.

“Yeah.” Asher finally breathes out with his eyes shut tightly.

“Okay, and may I ask about those times?” The doctor asks crossing her legs as she patiently waits.

“Just take your time bud. I’ll be right here.” Harold assures his son paying no mind to the vice grip that his son has on his hand.

“I—” Asher starts to say before his voice cuts off shakily as he takes in a shuddering breath trying his best not to panic.

“Take in some deep breaths.” The doctor instructs gently from her chair.

“The first time lately was last week, when I wondered if my closet rod could hold up my weight,” Asher recalls after he takes in a deep breath remembering how scared he was that night when that thought popped into his head.

“Okay. Did you take any action on that thought?”

“No,” Asher answers shaking his head avoiding his dad’s gaze.

“What prevented you from doing so?”

“My friends and I played some video games,” Asher tells her thinking about how he listened to Jordan and JJ's voices for hours.

“Do your friends help you out a lot?” The doctor inquires in a neutral tone.

“Yeah. But I don’t think I really have any friends anymore.” Asher exclaims as the way he has treated his friends and the things he’s done to betray them all flash through his mind clouding his thought of the long letter-length message they had sent him that stopped him from swallowing that mouthful of pills.

“We’ll talk about that another time, but could you tell me about the other times that you’ve had thoughts like you did last night.” The doctor says after she makes a note to discuss the topic of his friendships with him at their next session.

“The thoughts came back while I was in the ER,” Asher tells her hating how his thoughts had quickly switched over to that dark place again.

“Okay, what were your thoughts at that time?”

“That I should have swallowed those pills…” Asher admits feeling ashamed as he sees the hurt look that crosses his dad's face.

“What caused those thoughts for you?” The doctor questions gently.

“Showing the doctor and my dad all of my cuts,” Asher explains feeling the skin around each of his cuts start to itch and burn hoping that this doctor won’t ask to see them too.

“How did that make you feel when you had to show them your self-harm scars?”

“Stupid and it made me feel scared that my dad would look at me differently and that he would be ashamed of me…” Asher admits averting his eyes to the tiled floor when the pained look in his dad’s eyes becomes too much for him to look at.

“Nothing would ever make me do that son,” Harold promises his son with his own heart breaking now knowing the full extent of his son’s mental state.

“And can you tell me about the times that you had these thoughts before last night?” The doctor inquires after a moment of silence passes between the three of them. 

“It's happened two times before. The first time was after I was kicked off the football team and I didn’t have anywhere to go, and I slept in my car. And I got to thinking that no one would care what happened to me.” Asher tells her after he clears his throat remembering how lonely he felt that night in his car.

“Did you take any action on those thoughts?”

Asher gives the doctor a stiff nod as Harold's heart shatters into a million pieces at the thought that he was the reason his son was alone in his car that night was because he had kicked him out of the house.

“I drunk a lot of alcohol more than I ever had before and I hoped that I wouldn’t wake up,” Asher tells his doctor remembering how disappointed he was to wake up to a knock on his car window but how he was filled with hope when he saw it was Olivia who had found him.

“And what about the second time?”

“I had been kicked off the team again this time for a different reason, but I knew this time it was probably for good, so I took like a dozen Aspirin and just waited but nothing happened,” Asher tells her thinking back to how he had stared at his bedroom ceiling for hours before he finally passed out from exhaustion and not from the medication. 

“Okay. So, not being on the football team is a huge trigger for you. Would that be an accurate statement?” The doctor observes after she quickly makes note of the situational trigger for her patient. 

“Yeah.” Asher agrees with a nod.

“Can you tell me why?”

“Because I feel like when I was playing football that it was the only time, I was worthy, but I was never good enough at it anyway for it to matter,” Asher explains hating himself for how he has let himself lose everything again.

“Are you on the team right now?”

“No, I quit,” Asher says as his dad gives his hand a comforting squeeze.

“How come?”

“I was feeling too much pressure and it was causing me to make some really stupid decisions.” Asher recalls feeling his cheeks heat up as he remembers how he started using steroids again as he cast a cautious glance toward his dad to gauge his reaction to find his expression is only filled with worry instead of the anger, he was sure that would be etched into his features. 

“Can you tell me what it was causing you to do?”

“I had started using PEDs again,” Asher admits casting a cautious glance over to his dad since he knows this is news to him. 

“Okay. For how long were you using them this time.”

“Just two doses but I knew if I continued playing football then I wouldn’t be able to stop using the steroids,” Asher answers honestly even though he leaves out the part about Jordan finding out.

“Alright. I think that it was a very courageous thing of you to realize what was causing your behavior and what it would take for you to stop doing so.”

“I don’t have anything left now though,” Asher exclaims knowing that he has lost everything that was important to him.

“Well, I just met you, but I can see that you still have your dad.” The doctor tells him sending a warm smile to the father and son. 

“Always,” Harold affirms giving his son’s hand a firm squeeze.

“Okay. I have enough background information to start thinking through an appropriate treatment plan and to make an accurate diagnosis.” The doctor exclaims after she stands up from the chair.

“Thank you, Dr. Isaacs,” Harold says watching as she walks over to the door.

“Absolutely. Do you have any questions or concerns for me?” The doctor asks as she hovers in the doorway her hand poised on the doorknob.

“Will I always be like this?” Asher asks voicing his fear if he was to have thoughts like he did last night that there may not be anyone or anything there to stop him.

“Well, mental health is something that we all have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. But with therapy and the right medication, I am filled with nothing but hope that very shortly you will start feeling better than you today.” The doctor states with a kind smile.

“Thank you,” Asher tells her in the same grateful and relieved tone that his dad did as he wipes at a few stray tears that track down his face at the thought that there is hope for him to get better.

“You're welcome.” The doctor tells him before she turns to Harold. “May I speak to you for just a minute in the hallway Mr. Adams?” She says gesturing toward the door.

“Yeah. I’ll be right back Ash.” Harold promises his son who has leaned back against his pillows with an unreadable expression across his face before he nods.

“Mr. Adams I just wanted to inform you that your son is going to need outpatient care and therapy following his discharge.” The doctor explains after the door clicks shut behind them out of ear shot from the struggling teen.

“Whatever it takes for him to get better,” Harold states with a determined nod.

“And more than anything he is going to need the support of those who are closest to him.” She says before looking down at his chart on her tablet. “Does he have any siblings, or will his mom be an active player in his life?” She questions after looking at the family history section in his chart to find it blank.

“No, he’s an only child. But his mom is on her way from her honeymoon in Mexico. We're divorced and she lives in Malibu. But Asher spends most of his time with me here in Beverly.” Harold explains as he feels again the shame of his failed marriage and how many times, he has failed his son. 

“Okay. Are he and his mother close?” The doctor asks after she entered the information into her patient’s chart.

“They became closer over the summer after they went on vacation with each other but as far as I know they haven’t talked since then.”

“Alright well I will be speaking at greater length with you both once I have another counseling session with your son at two o’clock today.” The doctor explains after she finds the next available time slot in her busy schedule for the day. 

“Okay. Thank you, Dr. Isaacs.” Harold tells the doctor that he has full faith in can help his son and make him realize how amazing he is and how deserving he is of happiness. 

“You’re welcome, Mr. Adams.” The psychiatrist says before she leaves the father to return to his son as she walks down the hall to her next patient.

Asher looks up from his lap when the door opens, and his dad walks back into his room.

“The doctor just wanted to tell me that she will be having another counseling session with you today at two o’clock,” Harold explains sitting back down in the chair.

“Okay.” Asher says blankly already dreading having to talk about hard topics with his psychiatrist again. “Dad, I’m sorry that I was using steroids again. I feel so stupid for using again.” He apologizes his voice thick with emotion. 

“Like you said though you were feeling pressure again from the coach, your team, and from me. So, I am the one that is sorry.“ Harold tells his son feeling a pang of guilt settle into the pit of his stomach knowing that he had driven his son once more to using steroids. “You look tired.” He observes when he notices the dark shadows that are still under his son’s eyes showing up starkly against his pale skin.

“I slept last night though…” Asher says trailing off as he feels the pull of exhaustion making his eyelids heavier with each blink.

“It’s alright if you need to rest,” Harold assures him with a soft smile.

“I am kind of drained,” Asher admits sinking deeper into the pillows as he fights to keep his eyes open. 

“Then you just rest, and I’ll be right here when you wake up,” Harold promises his son as he covers him with the two white blankets settling back into the chair with a feeling of relief as he watches his son’s chest rise and fall and his breathing even out until he is sure that he has fallen asleep.

***

Asher awakes with a warmth surrounding his hand that he has come to find familiar as he blinks his eyes open to find his mom sitting in the chair beside his bed instead of his dad.

“Mom.” He whispers his voice coming out hoarse as his mom tightens her grip on his hand as she leans in closer.

“Hey, baby. How are you feeling?” Gwen asks feeling tears gather in her eyes as she brushes her son’s longer bangs off his forehead with her free hand.

“I’m okay,” Asher tells her with an attempt at a smile that he knows that his mom can probably see right through.

“It’s okay not to be okay,” Gwen assures her son as she rubs her thumb across his knuckles.

“I’m glad you’re here mom but I’m sorry I messed up your honeymoon,” Asher exclaims looking down at his lap.

“Honey look at me please,” Gwen says as she places her hand under his chin before she gently lifts her son’s head up so they can lock gazes again. “You have messed up absolutely nothing. But I am sorry though that I made us lose touch since our vacation. But I am going to promise you from now on that I am going to be here for you. And maybe we can start having our weekly breakfasts again.” She tells him with a small but hopeful smile.

“I would like that.” Asher tells her honestly since he has missed his mom these past few months since he came back to Beverly after their vacation. “Was Jacob mad at me for you guys having to come back from your honeymoon early?” He asks nervously as his thoughts drift over to his stepdad that he still doesn’t feel very close with even after spending all summer on the yacht with him.

“What? No, he wasn’t mad at you at all. He was concerned about you though and he said if it’s okay with you that he would like to visit.” Gwen explains with her heart constricting at the thought of her son thinking that someone could be mad at him for something that was in no way his fault.

“Yeah, it would be okay if he comes.” Asher decides wanting nothing more than to give his mom's new husband more of a chance than he did over the summer to be a positive role model in his life. “Where’s dad?” He asks feeling his anxiety creep up again when he notices the clock on the wall is reading nearly two o'clock which is when he is supposed to meet for another session with the psychiatrist.

“He went to go get some lunch in the hospital cafeteria,” Gwen explains watching her son with a pained expression as he pulls his hand out of hers before he clutches his chest. “Would you like for me to call him for you?” She asks placing a gentle hand on his knee while her son’s wide eyes dart around the room.

“Please…” Asher chokes out feeling stupid for panicking over having to talk to the doctor again about his deepest and darkest secrets. He barely registers his mom’s voice as she talks to his dad on the phone and the room starts to spin until he clutches his eyes shut tightly against the black spots swimming in his vision.

Through the loud ringing in his ears, he hears an unfamiliar voice in the room that he guesses is a nurse as someone calls out his vital signs.

 _Get it the fuck together…_ He screams at himself willing his breath to return to his burning lungs. 

He is unaware of how much time has passed until he vaguely hears the door open and closes before quick footsteps echo across the tiles before a sense of warmth is felt around his other hand.

“Hey, Ash. You’re okay just breathe for your mom and me. Okay?” Asher hears his dad instruct gently over the ringing in his ears as he swallows against the bile rising in his throat.

“We will increase his dosage of anti-anxiety medication for today and I will push back his next counseling session until tomorrow.” The doctor tells the two worried parents with their eyes trained on their panicking son as she watches the scene unfold with empathy for her young patient as she nods toward the nurse to administer the medicine through his IV.

“Thank you.” Harold nods toward the doctor after he shares a relieved look with Asher's mom as she continues to rub comforting circles on their son's back.

Asher is beyond embarrassed when suddenly his mom places one of the blue disposable vomit bags that the nurse hands her under his chin as he tries his best to empty the contents of his stomach into it so that none of it goes onto his bed.

“I’m so sorry…” He apologizes through his cries as he leans back against his pillows hiding his face behind his trembling hands.

“Asher.” The doctor addresses her patient directly as she stands at the end of the bed. “I'll be back in a little while to check on you but for right now all I want for you to do is rest. We have plenty of time to talk about everything another day.” She explains gently waiting for him to nod in response before she sends his parents a reassuring smile before she and the nurse leave the family alone to comfort each other.

“It’s okay bud. You’re okay.” Harold assures their son as he shares a look with his ex-wife as she makes her way back over to the bed after she flushed the contents of the bag down the toilet before washing her hands.

“We’re right here for you baby,” Gwen promises their son as they both take either of his hands in theirs as they pull them away from his face.

“I just want to get better,” Asher admits taking in a shuddering breath as he looks between his parents.

“And you will.” They affirm in unison as they squeeze his hands at the same time, and he squeezes their hands back just as tightly.

 _Tomorrow has to be better than today_. Asher thinks to himself as he sends both of his parents a watery smile as he lets himself be supported by their presence rather than handling everything on his own like he has all the times before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this fifth chapter and this story so far which I hope that you have enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> And I hope that this chapter wasn't too drawn out as I really wanted to establish that everything wasn't going to be automatically better for Asher and I wanted to take a good amount of the story showing his parents showing up for him and reestablishing a connection with their son that I feel like they may have never had before. 
> 
> And also, I would love to know any predictions that you have for this story in the coming chapters!
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _Friends Like These_ and I hope to have it posted soon! <3
> 
> (Here's a little preview of what is going to happen in the next chapter: After finding out about what happened with their best friend Olivia, Jordan, and JJ all visit Asher to show him how much he means to them.) 
> 
> P.S. Let me know if there is anything that you would like to see happen in the two final chapters! :D


	6. No Longer Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding out what is going on with Asher, their best friend, Olivia, Jordan, JJ go visit him to let him know that he is no longer alone and that he never was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊 
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another new chapter of this story that I hope you all are enjoying so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this story with a new chapter! But I do want to thank each of you so much for being patient with me and for continuing to read my story and for your guys' support throughout this story as well! :D
> 
> So, in this chapter, Asher is going to have another counseling session and his friends are going to find what is going on with him. 
> 
> This chapter was going to originally be called _Friends Like These_ but I changed it to _No Longer Alone_ since I felt that fit more with what Asher realizes in this chapter.  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. But I wanted to especially warn for anyone who may be triggered by reading about self-harm and the topic of suicide that are both heavily mentioned in this chapter. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> P.S. Only two more chapters left that will both feature Asher continuing to get better and to grow closer to the people closest to him. And thank y'all so much for over 500 hits on this story and your guys' support so far! <3
> 
> P.S.S. I am not a psychologist, or a doctor so please don't take anything I have written in this chapter as real medical advice. Although I do hope that I was able to write the counseling session in a realistic way. :)

The next morning after eating most of the breakfast on his tray under the watchful worry-filled gazes of his parents and after they assured him that everything would be okay for the thousandth time since yesterday Asher settles back on the leather couch across from the psychiatrist who is sending him a warm smile waiting patiently for him to answer her question that she asked five minutes ago with the thought flashing through his mind of how many patients had sat in this exact same spot avoiding the same question as he is.

 _“How are you today?”_ Was the simple lead-in question to their session she had asked as soon as she had closed the door before assuring him anything, he said inside her office would be kept confidential as long as he didn’t reveal to her that he was having anymore self-harm or suicidal thoughts because if so, she would have to tell his parents.

 _This is a chance and the place for me to be honest._ Asher reminds himself feeling the material of the loosely fitting t-shirt that he is sure is his dad’s cling to his skin as sweat starts to roll down his back from where it is pressed against the leather couch.

Pressing his lips into a firm line he averts his gaze over to the fish tank positioned between the tall bookshelf filled with what he assumes are medical and mental health books and the metal filing cabinet that he knows the folder that the doctor is now holding in her lap underneath her notepad that contains his name and information will be filed away along with the other faceless names.

He takes in a long breath through his nose with the scent of the orange _Dial_ soap filling his nostrils that he used in the shower which is still clinging to his skin as he thinks about how sterile and clean the white tiles looked as he let his tense and sore muscles relax under the lukewarm low-pressure water with tears stinging in his eyes as he looked around the shelves in the small shower stall to find the only thing on the shelves was a bar of soap and a travel-size bottle of shampoo.

There was no razor or anything remotely sharp on the shelves. Which meant there was nothing in the shower for him to harm himself with.

When the realization hit him like a ton of bricks, he let his tears be washed away with water as he quickly washed away his guilt of putting his parents through this hell as he hurriedly washed his body and then his hair before he stepped out of the shower feeling anything but clean before he reassured his dad for the fifth time since he slipped behind the bathroom door that he was okay.

“I’m feeling guilty.” Asher finally says after swallowing against the lump in his throat that hasn’t disappeared since Jordan found him in the locker room with a needle in his arm.

“What are you feeling guilty about today?” The doctor asks while she uncaps the lid on her pen with her smile never faltering.

“For putting my parents through all of this.” He explains thinking back to how his parents were covering up their exhaustion with encouraging smiles and cup after cup of strong coffee, but Asher could see right through their facades. 

“Have they expressed in any way about not wanting to be here with you?” She asks keeping her tone measured as she crosses her legs settling back in her chair as she makes her first note under the notes from the day before about her thoughts for potential diagnoses.

_Patient has a hard time letting others be there for him._

“No. It’s just that if I hadn’t told my dad about what I almost did then they wouldn’t have to be here.” He reasons hating how now his parents’ attention is fully on him because he feels an incredible burden to be better already and if he is truly honest, he’s not yet and that scares him.

“Is there something more important to your parents?”

“I don’t know but I feel like they shouldn’t have to be worrying about me like this,” Asher tells the doctor letting out a sigh as he already feels emotionally drained and it’s not even been ten minutes into their session.

“I’ve just met you and your parents but as far as I can tell your parents seem like they care a lot about you.”

“They haven’t always been that way.” He says instantly regretting it as he feels guilty about putting down his parents when they are trying so hard right now to be there for him.

“Okay so before this happened, they weren’t there for you. Is that a fair statement?” The doctor inquires choosing her words carefully.

“Yeah,” Asher tells her with a nod averting his gaze down to his lap as he bites down on his bottom lip.

“So, now since your parents are here for you it’s got you feeling afraid that now you have to automatically be better now that they know about everything.”

“Yeah. I mean for so long last year I wanted to ask someone for help and now that I finally have it feels…” He says before trailing off as he tries to decide exactly how he was feeling. “It feels like I don’t deserve the help for everything that I’ve done.” He finally decides after realizing it was better to be honest for a change.

“Do you want to tell me more about last year?” The doctor inquires wanting to get a better understanding of everything that has happened in the past year in her patient’s life that has led to his almost attempt at suicide as she shifts to a more comfortable position in her chair as she waits for his reply. 

“Does it matter?” He asks with a shrug as the last thing he wants to think about is last year and what a damn fucking mess it was.

“Only if it matters to you. Because these sessions are all about you and what things you are working through.” Dr. Isaacs explains widening her warm smile.

“Last year was a lot.” Asher starts to explain which he feels is the understatement of the year before he pauses to take in a deep breath. “My mom left and moved to Malibu without telling me why and my dad was drinking a lot which led to him losing his job and my only escape was football and I wasn’t even good enough for that…” He rattles ticking off the events of last year with his fingers as he remembers all the hard situations, he had found himself in the past year were all because he had time and time again fucked everything up.

Cheating on Layla with Olivia.

Fighting with Jordan after Olivia had told him about their drunken hookup.

Getting drunk at the Homecoming dance and exposing his and Olivia’s hookup secret.

Betraying the team before the Homecoming game by giving Delgado their playbook.

Using steroids during the offseason to enhance his performance during the seven-on-seven games.

Being a complete asshole of a boyfriend to Olivia.

Not being a good enough friend to Jordan and JJ.

Never being the son that his mom and dad deserved.

And everything else that he has done because it always seemed like when everything was going well, he always found a way to fuck everything up causing him to lose everything over and over.

“That’s a lot for a kid your age to have to deal with. Did you tell anyone about what you were going through?” The doctor states looking at her notes from the day before that she had written down during their first session.

_Most likely the patient has general anxiety disordered and clinical depression with suicidal thoughts and tendencies._

“Not for a while. And then I finally told my friend Olivia about some of it.” He says crossing his arms over his chest as he lets her name roll off his tongue with a feeling of regret filling him at the way he had treated her while they were together and then after they had broken up.

“But you didn’t tell anyone about the suicidal attempts and thoughts or the self-harm?” The doctor questions gently as she glances back down at her notepad before she jots down her next observation.

_Patient has trouble opening up to others and letting others help him._

“No. Telling my dad the other night about almost swallowing the pills was the first time,” Asher answers shaking his head as he vaguely remembers walking downstairs to wake up his dad.

“And that was a great start.” She compliments locking their gazes as she sends him an encouraging nod before she continues. “Can you tell me more about that night and why you decided to not swallow the pills?” The doctor says directing the conversation to the night and the act that ultimately brought her patient to the hospital and to her office.

“I got a text.” He explains with the words from the late-night text that without a doubt saved his life flashing through his mind.

“From whom?”

“My friends Olivia, Jordan, and JJ.” He tells her running a shaking hand through his still damp hair thinking about the three of them finding out about how close he had come to almost killing himself.

“And are those your best friends?”

“Yeah.” He says with a nod swallowing down his nerves as he remembers the last line of their message that meant more to him than anything that they could have said.

 _We love you._

“May I ask what the text said?” The doctor questions in a gentle tone.

“That they loved me and that I wasn’t alone.” He recalls with tears pooling in his eyes with the thought that they had told him what he never thought anyone would ever tell him again.

“That is two very important things for us all to know that we are loved and not alone.” The doctor acknowledges watching as her patient’s eyes dart around the room nervously with his next sentence stuck on the tip of his tongue. “How are you feeling about seeing your friends again?” She asks seeing the apprehension creep across his features. 

“I’m afraid that they will look at me differently once they find out about what I almost did.” Asher finally admits taking in a shuddering breath after a few long moments of silence pass between them. 

“Well, I can’t tell you for certain that some people won’t, but I do know for sure that the people closest to you aren’t going to look at you any different. If anything, it will help them understand your struggles and that they will be there to support you.” Dr. Isaacs affirms with the same warm smile spreading across her face as she watches a small half-smile play across the teen’s chapped lips. 

“I hope so.” Asher says as he runs his sweaty palms along the soft fabric of the sweatpants his dad had brought him from home thankful that the grey cotton is able to hide his self-harm scars because he isn’t ready to show them to anyone else yet.

“Well, that is all we have time for today, but I am feeling very hopeful that you had a great start to your healing process today.”

“Yeah. It’s nice having someone to talk to again.” He admits surprising himself at his honesty and the small weight that feels like it has been lifted off his shoulders.

“Absolutely.” The doctor says with a warm smile as she gets up from her chair to follow her patient to the door. “Same time on Monday?” She asks since she knows that the same time slot for Monday is open in her calendar as she holds open the door. 

“Same time.” Asher agrees with a nod and a small wave before he turns making his way down the hospital hallway that is quickly becoming familiar to him as he takes in a deep breath before he opens the door to his room to find his parents in the same chairs that he left them in.

“Hey bud how did it go?” Harold asks his son after sharing a relieved look with his ex-wife before locking gazes with his son to find his eyes shining with tears.

“Okay,” Asher tells them honestly taking a cautious step into the room wrapping his arms tightly around himself against the chill that runs down his spine.

“Is everything okay baby?” Gwen hesitantly asks straightening her posture to find her back stiff.

“Yeah, it’s just even after everything I’ve done you both are still here with me,” Asher exclaims shaking his head in disbelief wanting to believe that he is deserving of his parents’ support like his psychiatrist had assured him he was.

“Of course, we are still here Asher you’re our son and we love you,” Harold explains in a gentle tone as he and Gwen get up from their chairs to walk over to their son who is trying desperately to hold back his tears.

“I’m trying really hard to get better.” Asher chokes out letting his tears finally fall as he is embraced tightly by his parents.

“We know baby. We know.” Gwen assures her son through her own tears.

“You just take things one day at a time son. And your mom and I are going to be right here for you no matter what happens.” Harold promises with a few tears streaming down his own face.

“One day at a time,” Asher repeats feeling relieved that he doesn’t automatically have to be one hundred percent better today even though he is feeling more hopeful that maybe one day soon this will all just be a distant memory.

“I brought your phone, and it looks like you have some people that have been trying to get ahold of you,” Harold explains as he hands his son his phone.

“Oh…” Asher says trailing off as he looks down at his phone screen to find it full of all the missed calls and messages he had received from his friends.

Eleven missed calls from Olivia.

Twelve missed calls from Jordan.

Fourteen missed calls from JJ.

And forty-two unanswered combined text messages from them.

 _Maybe they do still care about me._ He thinks with tears blurring his vision because after he had tried so hard to push him away, they were still trying to reach out to him.

“I'll text them back later.” Asher finally decides sending his parents a grateful but watery smile as he clutches his phone tightly to his chest holding onto the hope that they’ll answer.

***

After the long day at school that seemed to drone on and on Olivia deepens her kiss against Spencer's lips earning her a low moan from the back of his throat when the sound of her phone vibrating against the coffee table next to the nearly empty pizza box causing her to groan as she reluctantly pulls away from their embrace.

“Sorry.” She apologizes with her cheeks burning when she slowly lifts herself off his lap as her hands brush across the front of his jeans to find that he is already hard.

“It's okay,” Spencer assures her in that calming tone that he always uses watching with curiosity as she reads the text message before shifting to a more comfortable position on the couch. “Everything okay?” He asks brushing her long braids behind her shoulders.

“It’s Jordan,” Olivia answers blankly biting her bottom lip as she quickly types back a reply to her twin. “He wants to know if I’ve talked to Asher since he hasn’t been at school for the past two days.” She explains casting a nervous glance to her new boyfriend as the name of her ex-boyfriend slips from her lips.

“Have you talked to him?” Spencer asks keeping his tone measured as he runs a comforting hand up and down along her arm.

“Not since Wednesday…” She tells him trailing off when the last conversation that she had in the hallway with Asher plays again in her mind.

“Did something happen?” He questions after noticing the way her heartbeat quickens under his fingers that are lightly gripped around her wrist.

“I don’t know but Asher he’s not in the best place right now. And—” She says her words coming out all in one breath as Asher’s defeated tone rings in her ears.

_“Look Olivia I’m not your problem any more or the team’s or anyone else’s so everyone can just go on living like I never existed.”_

“Hey. I get it. You two were best friends before you were a couple and just because you’ve broken up doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring about him.” Spencer tells her brushing away a stray tear that falls down her rounded cheek.

“I'm sorry.” She apologizes leaning into his touch unsure if she’s just overreacting or if there is really something wrong with Asher. 

“Don't be.” He assures her sending her a pointed look before her phone dings with another text.

“Maybe I should…” She says trailing off as she responds to her twin’s text that he or JJ haven’t heard from their best friend either since Wednesday.

“Go.” He finishes for her knowing that while she is sitting on his couch practically on his lap in his house in Crenshaw that her mind is miles away in Beverly. 

“Are you sure?” She asks in a skeptical tone as she hovers her hands over the digital keyboard debating on whether she should answer Jordan’s plea for her to come home.

“Yeah, I’m sure now go check on your best friend.” He tells her giving her hands a comforting squeeze after she types out another short text. 

“I'll call you when I find out something.” She tells him holding his hand all the way to the door before she turns back sending him a nervous smile.

“And I’ll answer.” He affirms after kissing her lightly on the lips watching as she hurries out the door hoping that her ex-boyfriend is alright before he leans against the doorframe waving to her before she slips inside her car disappearing down the street with a silver flash and a glow of taillights.

Thirty minutes later when she makes it back to her perfect little bubble of a town with her worry only deepening for her ex-boyfriend when she checks her phone to find no replies to the fifteen messages she’d sent throughout the day or none of her ten missed calls returned as she pulls in behind JJ's car that is parked beside Jordan's mustang in their driveway.

Stepping out of her car with what little bit of hope she has left that something bad hasn’t happened to Asher she taps his name in her contacts list before she presses her phone to her ear to only to be frustratingly greeted by his happy voice on the prerecorded voicemail message that she remembers he recorded one evening when they were sitting in her car eating double scoop ice cream cones after she had said that he sounded too serious on his previous voicemail greeting.

But that was before they broke up.

And before it had been months since she had heard him speak in the same happy tone or now that she thinks about it’s been months since she has seen him even smile.

 _Ash, where are you?_ She wonders waiting impatiently for the beep to sound so that she can leave her eleventh voicemail message as she walks up the front steps to their house.

“Hey, Ash. It’s me again. I was just calling again to check on you. I’m really worried about you so please give me a call back when you get this.” She says letting out a long sigh as she opens up the front door to be greeted by JJ and her twin coming out of the kitchen toward her with their best friend’s name dying on their lips as they had hoped that it was him. “So, you guys are sure that you haven’t seen Asher today?” She asks her nerves creeping into her voice as she swallows down the guilt that she is somehow to blame for his absence and their worry that something has happened to him.

“No, he wasn’t in first period,” JJ tells her shaking his head with a defeated look crossing his usual relaxed and playful features.

“And he wasn’t in third either.” Jordan chimes in remembering the emptiness he felt when the teacher called roll and Asher’s name was the first name called on the list and his desk sat empty while the teacher without a second thought marked him absent and went on to the next student’s name. 

“Shit,” Olivia mutters pressing her hand over her mouth to suppress the sob that is fighting its way up her throat.

“Have you tried calling him?” Jordan asks gently hoping that his twin has at least gotten a text from their best friend that he hasn’t received but the way she is frantically tapping at her phone makes him think she hasn’t.

“Yeah, all day. Have you guys?” Olivia exclaims her words coming out much sharper than she means for them to as her anxiety crashes over her in waves causing her hands to shake as she checks her messages and frustratingly finding no new ones in her inbox.

“Yeah” They answer in unison sharing a worried look with each other before they check their own phones to find them still void of any communication from their best friend.

“I mean I understand him not wanting to talk to me. But he always talks to you guys.” Olivia exclaims unable to hide an edge that slips into her voice because she knows that she broke Asher’s heart, and she hates herself for that as she follows them into the kitchen before, they all take a seat on the barstools lined around the kitchen island with the granite countertop gleaming so brightly that they can all see their reflections in the speckled stone.

“Not like he used to,” Jordan explains letting out a sigh shaking his head as he and JJ share guilty looks both of them thinking they should have done more to get their best friend to open up to them.

“What do you mean?” Olivia asks searching her twin’s face for answers that she is afraid to hear spoken out loud.

“He’s changed ever since he came back from the cruise,” Jordan says as he thinks back to all the moments over the last few months that he caught his best friend just staring into space like he was somewhere else a million miles away. “And I caught him using steroids again.” He tells them hating the way he knows that he just betrayed his best friend, but he feels like they need to know where his headspace was.

“What?!” Olivia and JJ exclaim at the same time staring wide-eyed at the quarterback.

“Yeah, I caught him on Tuesday in the locker room. I had gone back to get my water bottle and he was supposed to be getting his gloves, but I found him by his locker injecting again.” Jordan recalls as the image of his best friend’s shocked and hurt expression flashes through his mind.

“Is that why he quit the team?” JJ asks in a serious tone that Olivia is sure that she has never heard him use before as she is starting to come to the same conclusion.

“Yeah. But we fought when I saw what he was doing, and I told him that I was going to tell the coach and the team. And I was so angry that I told him how desperate for approval and praise he was.” Jordan says hanging his head in shame as he thinks of how much of a shitty friend he was to Asher when it was obvious, he needed help in that moment instead of having his mistakes and insecurities thrown up in his face.

“Jordan…” Olivia snaps at her twin sending him a disapproving look.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have said those things. But I just couldn’t believe he was using again after everything dad did to get him back on the team." Jordan exclaims feeling disgusted at himself with how he had treated Asher.

“True but we all know how his dad can be,” JJ exclaims hating how Asher would always look into the stands to lock eyes with his dad when he failed to catch the ball or after he got tackled just before he made a touchdown.

“Right.” Olivia and Jordan agree in the same defeated tone.

“What if he’s done something.” Olivia wonders voicing her darkest fear as the words that Asher spoke to her two days ago in the hallway play over and over in her mind.

_“Look Olivia I’m not your problem any more or the team’s or anyone else’s so everyone can just go on living like I never existed.”_

“Ash wouldn’t do that. Would he?” JJ exclaims as he remembers how Asher would barely look him in the eyes while they talked at lunch as he tried to convince him to come sit at their usual spot with their friends and when he did how it almost took his breath away at the amount of pain that was shining in his best friend’s blue eyes.

“I don’t know…” Jordan says honestly remembering how he told Asher that he was going to forget that he ever existed which he instantly regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth because there was no way he could ever forget his best friend that he’s had since they met on the playground in the first grade. “When I talked to him on Tuesday after he had quit the team, he told me that everyone should just forget that he ever fucking existed.” He tells them running a hand over his face as he is filled with shame and regret as he thinks of how he should have run after Asher and made him talk to him about what was really going because he knew him well enough to know that it was so much more than just football.

“He told me that too when I talked to him on Wednesday in the hallway,” Olivia explains with Asher’s voice ringing once more in her ears.

_“Look Olivia I’m not your problem any more or the team’s or anyone else’s so everyone can just go on living like I never existed.”_

“But he would never do anything to hurt himself like that.” JJ thinks aloud wishing that his voice wasn’t so shaky and that he believed what he was saying as he shares a scared look with the Baker twins.

“So, what do we do now?” Olivia wonders as they all check their phones once more to find no new messages or missed calls displayed on their screens as they hear the front door opening.

“Asher…” They call once they jump up from their seats practically tripping over each other’s shoes as they make their way into the foyer to only see that it is Laura coming through the front door and not their best friend.

“Hey, kids I’m glad you guys are home,” Laura exclaims with a tight smile after she sits her briefcase and long black coat into the hall closet by the front door before she turns toward her kids and their friend. “I need to talk to you guys.” She announces motioning for them to follow her into the living room.

“Well, I should head out,” JJ states moving backward toward the door as he reaches for his phone when it buzzes hoping that its Asher, but he is disappointed when he sees it’s only Butler sending him some stupid meme.

“I would like to talk to you too JJ,” Laura tells her twins' friend sending a warm smile since she knows his parents are away on business as she waits for him to follow them before she leads the teens to the couch taking a seat across from them in one of the accent chairs.

“What’s going on mom?” Jordan asks for them all as he wraps a protective arm around Olivia’s shoulders as JJ sends him a nervous smile.

“I talked to Asher's mom on my lunch break,” Laura explains hearing again the way the other teen's mom’s voice was tearful as she told her what was going on with her son and how her own heart broke at the news.

“What did she say?” Olivia asks speaking up from her seat on the couch in between the two football players as she licks the last bit of her wine-colored lip gloss off of her lips.

“Asher has been in the hospital since Wednesday night,” Laura says gently folding her hands in her lap as she watches each of their faces and the emotions that flash across their features.

“Why?” They all ask in unison as they share worried looks with each other.

“Look what I’m about to tell you guys is going to be hard to hear,” Laura tells them after clearing her throat hating how what she is about to tell them is going to break their hearts.

“I knew it he did something didn’t he?” Olivia exclaims placing her hand over her mouth as tears pool in her eyes at the thought of Asher hurting himself in any way makes her want to scream.

“Asher almost took a large dosage of medication, but he didn’t. And his parents are getting him the help he needs. Also, he has been self-harming for a while.” Laura explains feeling disconnected to the words that she is saying as if it is a statement, she is reading during a case in court instead of the explanation about what is going on with her twins’ best friend.

“Oh my God…” Olivia exclaims pressing her hand tighter over her mouth before she shuts her eyes to keep the tears from falling.

“What do you mean by self-harming?” Jordan asks after he pulls his twin in closer to his side in a one-arm hug.

“He had been cutting a large number of cuts into his skin with a razor blade on various parts of his body,” Laura explains as gently as possible after she places a comforting hand on her daughter’s knee. 

“Damn…” JJ breathes out followed by a low whistle as he thinks about how much pain their best friend must have truly been in to actually cut his own skin like that. 

“That explains why he was always wearing longer sleeved shirts even when it was hot as hell outside,” Jordan states remembering how many times over the last few months he has seen Asher sweating in the California heat, but he would never remove his jacket or whatever else he had on that was covering his arms.

“Can we go see him?” Olivia asks swallowing thickly against the lump in her throat as she hastily wipes away the tears from her cheeks.

“Of course, we can,” Laura says with a nod. “I’ll drive you guys.” She decides not wanting them to drive because she knows they'll speed trying to get to their friend as she gets up from her chair.

“Thanks, mom,” Jordan tells her with a small smile before he offers his sister his hand to pull her up from the couch to stand next to him.

“You're welcome.” She says sending each of them a warm smile before she leads the way out of the house and to the car.

Laura barely has time to put her car in park in the parking garage before the kids throw open their doors stepping out into the cool evening air with identical nervous looks on their faces.

“Asher’s mom assured me that he is doing some better,” Laura tells the kids hoping to help them from being so nervous as they wait for the shuttle bus to take them across the street to the hospital.

“But what if he’s not?” Olivia questions biting on her thumbnail as the bus stops in front of them.

“Gwen would tell me otherwise Liv,” Laura assures her daughter as she gives her a quick hug before they step up onto the bus.

Walking through the automatic sliding doors they follow the signs for the information desk so that they can find out what room and floor Asher is on.

“Should we get him something from the gift shop?” Olivia wonders as they walk toward the elevators after her mom figured out Asher’s room and floor number glancing over toward the shop filled with balloons, flowers, and cards.

“Sure, if you would like.” Laura tells her as she reaches in her purse for her wallet before she hands her daughter one of her credit cards. “You guys take your time in the shop because I’ve got to answer this work call.” She explains before she leaves the kids to sit down in one of the chairs in the small waiting area next to the elevators before she takes out her tablet to read her notes about the upcoming case.

Olivia looks down at the items she picked out for Asher after she placed them on the counter hoping that he’ll like the gift.

“He’s going to love what you picked out Liv,” Jordan whispers to his twin as they make their way out of the gift shop after the nice salesclerk put everything in a gift bag and had tied the balloon string to the handle.

“I hope so,” Olivia tells him when her, Jordan, and JJ’s phones ding with a text message. “It’s Asher…” She breathes out in shock as she quickly taps open the message on her phone in the group text below their letter-length text from Wednesday night.

_Hey guys. I’m sorry I worried you guys so much. I haven’t had my phone. I’m in the hospital at least until tomorrow. I’m so sorry._

Olivia looks up to Jordan and JJ after reading the message to find them wearing identical relieved smiles that she knows is mirroring her own expression.

“Don’t tell him we’re here so that we can surprise him,” JJ exclaims as Olivia starts to type her reply.

 _Don’t worry about anything Ash. It’s just good to hear from you. Are you okay?_ Olivia taps her fingers against her leg watching the three bubbles appear signaling that Asher is typing out her reply.

 _I will be okay._ Is his simple reply that Olivia isn’t sure how to respond to because she still has so many questions for him as she listens to Jordan explain to their mom that Asher had texted before they step onto the elevator.

 _We’re all here for you Ash and we still love you so much._ JJ sends his message saying the words that Olivia wishes she could have thought of first.

 _Thanks._ Asher texts back and they can each sense his apprehension and hesitation through his one-word answer.

 _Don’t mention it._ Jordan replies followed by a winking face emoji.

“Let’s go see our best friend,” JJ exclaims after the elevator door slide open and they step out onto the hospital floor where Asher is with his lopsided grin replacing the nervous look he has been wearing since realizing that something really wrong was going on with their best friend.

“Let’s go.” Jordan and Olivia say back in unison as their mom follows closely behind them down the long hallway toward room 803.

“Hey, look who’s here,” Harold announces nodding toward the door when a loud knock sounds on his son’s opened hospital door to find his three best friends standing in the doorway with Laura standing behind them.

“Hey, Ash,” JJ says taking the first step into the room with Jordan and Olivia on his heels.

“Hey, guys. I…” Asher stammers out trailing off when emotion suddenly makes his throat feel tight as he sits up on the side of his bed.

“You don’t have to explain anything right now Ash. It’s enough just to see you.” Olivia tells him before wrapping her arms around him pulling him in for a tight hug,

“I know we don’t usually hug but I think it’s something we need to start making a normal thing,” JJ says before wrapping his arms around his best friend that is only a few months younger than him as he quickly blinks away the tears that are blurring his vision as he thinks about how close they came to never being able to hug Asher ever again.

“Right.” Asher agrees with a nod after JJ pulls back as he sends him a warm smile.

“It’s so good to see you, Ash.” Jordan tells him leaning down to pull his best friend into a hug which he knows is an action they haven’t done since elementary school and deep down he has to agree with JJ that it is something that they need to normalize between them.

“You too Jay,” Asher says knowing that Jordan means that as an apology for the other day in the locker room which he has already forgiven him for.

“Asher are you okay if your mom and I go with Laura to get some coffee?” Harold asks after he clears his throat speaking up from the corner where he was watching his son reunite with his friends.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay dad,” Asher promises his dad sending him a nod as he knows that his parents are still worried about him. 

“Just call if you need us.” Gwen tells their son with a small smile after sharing a look with Harold as they are both concerned to leave their son because the last time that Harold did, he had a panic attack. But that was before his friends were here and before a smile returned to his face.

“I will,” Asher affirms with another nod before he watches his parents walk out of the room with Olivia and Jordan’s mom.

“So, you said you might get to go home tomorrow?” Jordan asks after they are left alone in the hospital room.

“Yeah. My psychiatrist has to make the final decision, but I think I will be able to.” Asher explains thinking back to the hopeful feeling he was left with after his counseling session today.

“Oh, I almost forgot your gift,” Olivia exclaims looking over to find the gift bag she had sat in the chair by the window.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Asher tells her as he watches her walk over to get the present.

“We wanted to.” She tells him before she hands him the bag watching intently as he removes the gift tissue from the bag. 

“A journal?” Asher questions smoothing his hand over the book’s black matte leather cover.

“Yeah, when I was in rehab it really helped me getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper and I thought it might help you too,” Olivia explains with a shy smile as her cheeks flush bright pink with embarrassment.

“Thank you, Liv. And I think it will help me.” Asher tells her shaking his head briefly in disbelief at her kindness and thoughtfulness.

“You’re welcome, Ash,” Olivia says as she sits down next to him on the hospital bed as Jordan and JJ pull two of the empty chairs up close to the bed across from them.

“I want you guys to know what stopped me from taking those pills.” He tells them wanting nothing more for them to know that they quite literally saved his life that night. 

“You don’t have to tell us right now Ash,” Olivia exclaims scooting closer to him on the bed before their knees brush together.

“I want too though,” Asher affirms catching each of his friends’ eyes as he licks his lips anxiously thinking about what he is about to tell them.

“Okay,” Olivia says sending him an encouraging nod.

“On Wednesday night I found the half bottle of muscle relaxers that my dad had in our medicine cabinet and put all of them in my mouth and I was about to swallow them when I got your guys’ text.” Asher recalls with the memory of how full his mouth felt with all of those pills in it and how scared he was when he looked down at the pills in the sink after he realized what he had almost done.

“Oh, Ash…” Olivia exclaims placing her hand over her mouth as she grasps tightly to Asher’s left hand with her other one before sharing a shocked look with JJ and Jordan.

“I’m so sorry to put you guys through all of this…” Asher apologizes looking down at his lap when their gazes become too intense for him to keep holding.

“Don’t you dare be sorry.” Jordan tells him leaning over to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, we are with you through sickness and in health Ash,” JJ exclaims to defuse the tension in the room that filled the atmosphere immediately after Asher’s admission.

“I think that’s only for marriages JJ,” Jordan tells him biting back his laugh.

“It can work for friendships too,” JJ explains sticking out his tongue to Jordan before he turns to wink at Asher behind his other friend’s back.

“I’m not even going to argue with that,” Jordan says throwing his arms up in mock defeat before they all burst out in loud laughter. 

“Thank you, guys, for being here,” Asher tells them after their laughter subsides as he wipes away his tears from where he had laughed so hard for the first time that he could remember feeling like it had been forever since he had.

“You’re welcome, Ash.” Olivia tells him pulling him in for another hug. 

“And thank you all for not forgetting that I exist,” Asher tells them with tears pooling in his eyes as the realization that his best friends are always going to be here for him no matter what.

“We could never do that,” Olivia promises him reaching over to give his hand a tight squeeze before she scoots over on the uncomfortable mattress to give JJ and Jordan room to comfort their best friend too.

“And I am sorry to break it to you, but you are stuck with us forever Ash,” JJ exclaims with a twinkle in his eye as he moves across the three tiles separating him and his best friend before he shares their secret handshake the same one that they have done a million times since coming up with it on the football field with Jordan and the rest of the team before he pulls him in for a quick hug.

“I think I can live with that,” Asher tells them as he pulls back out of his and JJ’s embrace to send each of them a wide smile. 

“Good,” Jordan says as he steps up next to Asher to share the same handshake with him that JJ did before he pulls him in for a hug of his own.

 _It feels so good to not be alone any longer._ Asher thinks as he leans fully into his best friends’ presence that he has missed these past few months which he had tried so desperately to convince himself that he didn’t need.

The psychiatrist hovers her closed fist above the open hospital room door smiling into the room remaining unseen by the group of teens when she sees how happy her patient looks and how he is now surrounded by the friends which from her own account seem to love and care about him so much before she steps away from the door with a smile deciding that her consultation with his parents could wait until the morning with a feeling of content spreading through her that right now her patient is receiving the best medicine that he could be right now— the love of those closest to him and the assurance that he isn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about the sixth chapter of this story that I hope that you have enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> And I would love to know if you guys have any predictions for the coming chapters or if there is anything that you would like for me to include in this story! :) (I have a twist ending planned that you may or may not see coming. Any guesses on what it could be? ;) 
> 
> The next chapter is going to be called _Friends Like These_ and will be showing Asher coming home from the hospital and him spending a special day with each of his friends as they help him even more with his healing process. <3


	7. Friends Like These

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the help of his friends, Asher is able to heal more each day and he is slowly getting back to who he was before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊 
> 
> I am so excited to be back with another chapter of this story that I hope you all are enjoying so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! 
> 
> So, in this chapter Asher will be coming home from the hospital and his best friends Jordan, Olivia, and JJ will be continuing to show Asher just how much having him as a friend means to them! :)
> 
> This is the longest chapter yet as it is just over 9,000 words. Please let me know if you guys prefer the longer chapters or shorter chapters better. :) 
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> P.S. Thank y'all so much for over 600 hits on this story! I can't believe that there is only one chapter of this story left! So, I just wanted to thank all of you so much for reading this story and for making it my mostly quickly read story and my most read story besides my other multi-chapter story _The Before and The After_! Honestly, your guys' reaction to this story has blown me away and I appreciate each and every one of one for taking the time to read my story, leave such kind and sweet comments and for all the kudos! Y'all are the best!!! <3

The next morning since he is alone for the first time since Wednesday night Asher looks out the hospital window with his eyes squinting slightly at the bright morning sunlight with a deep longing to go home and to be normal again filling him as he watches the world bustling down below unaware of their observer above them.

Turning away from the window he starts to pace across the twelve square inch tiles as he lets out a long sigh before he looks over to the two empty chairs that his parents vacated over an hour ago when his psychiatrist came to inform that she was ready for the consultation. Which he could only imagine what the doctor was telling his parents about him even though she told him that it was the only way for them to be able to help him when he got home and any signs to look out for any behavioral changes that he may experience.

 _Will I ever be normal again?_ He wonders halting his steps when his phone laying forgotten on the thin blanket thrown messily across the rock-hard hospital mattress starts to ring with a _FaceTime_ call.

Asher can’t help the smile that crosses his face when he picks up his phone to see that it is JJ who is calling him.

“Hey.” Asher greets sitting on the bed after he noticed that the sunlight streaming through the window was causing his screen to go white.

“Hey, Ash,” JJ says excitedly as he rakes his hand through his disheveled platinum blonde hair hoping it doesn’t look too crazy since he just woke up before he props his chin up with his hand.

“Is this real?” Asher exclaims with a teasing smile.

“Is what real?” JJ asks pursing his lips as his signature lopsided grin falls from his face before he stifles a yawn with the back of his hand.

“JJ Parker calling me before noon on a Saturday morning,” Asher explains as he checks the time on his phone again that it is only half-past ten. 

“It’s one hundred percent real,” JJ affirms with a nod as his lips curl up into another lopsided grin. “I just wanted to call and check on you since I’m I mean we’re not there.” He explains being quick to cover up his slight slip up as he sits up in bed before leaning his back against his headboard. 

“Thanks. I’m okay.” Asher responds not missing the way that JJ first said since he wasn’t the one there with him before he included Jordan and Olivia but he decides not to comment on it since he brushes it off as just JJ being the good friend that always has been.

“You would tell me if you weren’t right?” JJ questions in a serious tone that Asher has only heard him use in only a few situations that he can count on one hand.

“Yeah. I would tell you JJ.” Asher promises sending him a half-smile before JJ nods deciding that his best friend is being honest with him because after all of Asher’s shifty gazes over the past year as he lied to him by giving him false assurances that he was okay.

“Do you get to go home today?” JJ asks changing the subject to what he hoped would be a more positive topic.

“Yeah. My psychiatrist just wanted to talk to my parents about the warning signs for my behavior when we go home.” Asher explains casting his gaze over to the plastic patient’s belongings bag with his clothes packed neatly inside sitting on one of the hard plastic chairs that he is sure that his parents would be feeling the effects of sitting in for days after they left the hospital.

“Any signs I should look out for too?” JJ questions bringing Asher’s attention back over to him.

“You want to know?” Asher asks unable to hide the skepticism from his voice as he searches his best friend’s face.

“Of course, you’re my best friend Ash,” JJ affirms holding Asher’s gaze as he lets him scan his eyes over his features hoping that the sincerity he is feeling is showing clearly in his face.

“Okay um the doctor said that I could experience mood swings, excessive tiredness, trouble sleeping and concentrating just basically not acting like myself.” Asher explains before biting down on his biting lip feeling embarrassed that now JJ is now going to be looking at for any slight changes in his mood like his parents are now going to be.

“Got it. But don’t worry I’ll be keeping a close eye on you but I’ll give you you’re breathing room too.” JJ tells him after he sees the look of apprehension flash through his best friend’s expressive sky blue eyes. “But if you would like to you can consider me as your own official personal keeper now.” He offers with a grin as he watches confusion wash over Asher’s tired features.

“Personal keeper?” Asher stammers out wondering what JJ means by that. 

“Hell, yeah I’m not letting you almost slip away from me again,” JJ affirms with a determined nod vowing to himself and his best friend that as long as it's up to him that he’s never going to let Asher spiral downward this far ever again.

“JJ I’m sorry. I—” Asher apologizes breaking their eye contact as he glances back over to the window.

“You don’t need to apologize, Ash,” JJ tells him waiting for his best friend to focus back on his phone screen before he continues. “Just know that I’m here anytime you need anything or that you want to talk.” He assures him

“Thanks,” Asher assures him with the hint of a smile ticking up at the corners of his mouth.

“So, later Jay and I are going to be helping out with my church’s football team. And I thought if you feel up to it you could come with us.” JJ offers hoping that Asher will decide to come because he wants to spend more time with both of his best friends. 

“What time?” Asher asks after a long pause as he thinks the offer over.

“It starts at three.”

“I should be at home by then,” Asher states hoping that his parents’ consultation with his doctor doesn’t last all day.

“So, I’ll pick you up at two thirtyish?” JJ questions unable to keep a wide grin from spreading across his face.

“Yeah. I’ll text you when I get home.” Asher promises feeling excitement, which is an emotion he hasn’t felt in months over anything, fill him at the thought of helping out with the church’s youth football team.

“I’m glad you’re doing better Ash,” JJ tells him beaming at his phone screen when he sees a real smile cross his best friend’s face.

“Me too,” Asher says with a nod even though he knows that he is still has a long way to go before he is one hundred percent better, but he is okay with just letting the fact that he actually wanted to get out of bed today be enough for right now.

“See you later Adams,” JJ says before he waves his hand in front of his phone screen as he gets up from his own bed heading to take a shower.

“See you then Parker,” Asher affirms before he clicks off the call staring at his phone until the phone screen goes black before he sits down on the mattress face down as he settles back against the pillows waiting for his parents to return from their consultation with his doctor so that they all can get the hell out of here.

 _Just a few more hours until I can finally go home._ He reminds himself wincing when he shifts to a more comfortable position on the bed causing his left calve scraps against the blanket automatically reminding him of what he had done the other night – exposing the pain he was feeling on the inside with the cuts he had made into his skin.

 _I’m never going to let myself spiral that far again without asking someone for help._ He promises himself as he traces over the faint scars on his wrist before he casts his gaze to the open hospital room door wishing that his parents would walk through it right now.

***

“Hey, Asher we’re home,” Harold tells his son gently as he turns around in the driver seat sending him a warm smile as he blinks his eyes open.

Wiping the drool from his Asher looks out the tinted car window to the guest house that for so long he has hated having to live in but with tears welling up in his eyes at the sight of it he couldn’t be happier to be back home.

“Ready?” His mom asks as she opens the rear passenger door sending her son a soft smile.

“More than ever,” Asher exclaims returning his mom’s smile before he gets out of the car to follow his parents inside.

“It’s good to have you, home son,” Harold tells Asher as he pulls him in for a hug before he turns to walk up the front porch steps.

“Thanks, dad,” Asher says with a sheepish smile as his mom hooks her arm through his own.

“I’m so glad you’re okay baby,” Gwen whispers before she kisses her son on the cheek.

“I’m sorry about all of this mom.” Asher apologizes dropping his gaze down to the ground feeling shameful once more that his mom had to call her off her honeymoon early and his dad had to miss work for the last few days all because he was in the hospital.

“It’s okay Asher. Your dad and I are here for you.” Gwen exclaims nodding toward her ex-husband when turns around to smile at them.

“I know,” Asher affirms sending a grateful smile toward his parents. “Oh, mom I can wash those.” He exclaims after his mom takes the bag from the hospital with his clothes in it out of his hand as his dad unlocks the front door.

“It’s the least I can do for you Asher,” Gwen explains before sending her son a warm smile before they step through the threshold of the house that for her holds no memories of her and her son together inside the walls.

“Thanks, mom,” Asher tells her retuning her smile before he looks around the guest house that he and his dad have called home for the last year and a half with a greater appreciation since he thought on Wednesday night that it would have been the last time, he was going to see it.

‘So, when are JJ and Jordan going to be picking you up?” Harold asks still feeling uneasy about his son being out of his sight put he had inevitably caved when he locked eyes with Asher in the rearview mirror as they sat at a traffic light to find a desperate plea in his son’s eyes before he agreed that he could go with his two best friends deciding that it would probably do him some good.

“JJ said the practice started at three and that he would pick me up around two-thirty,” Asher explains before he picks up his phone to text JJ that he made it home just like he had promised him he would.

 _Hey, JJ just wanted to let you know that I made it home._ He types out his quick straightforward message.

After a thought, he taps open his, JJ’s, Jordan’s, and Olivia’s group text before he types out another message to let the Baker twins, his other two best friends, also know that he made it home.

_Hey, guys just wanted to let you all know that I made it home._

“Are you sure you’re up to it?” Gwen asks sharing a look with Harold as she feels her own apprehension creep up as she is worried about their son being away from them too.

“Yeah. I promise you both that I am.” Asher tells his parents before he slides his phone into his back pocket.

“So, how about we call in some Chinese takeout for dinner?” Harold suggests knowing that it’s always been one of Asher’s favorite cuisines to eat.

“I should be getting back to Malibu soon,” Gwen explains knowing that Jacob’s calls and texts have grown more insentient each time that he has called for her to come home since she told him that Asher was coming today but she had also reminded him that she was disappointed in him because he hadn’t come to see her son like he had promised that he would.

“Oh…” Harold says unable to hide the disappointment from his voice as he watches his son’s eyes narrow before he covers it with a blank look.

“But you know what I can absolutely do dinner tonight with you both.” Gwen decides not wanting to let her son done again like she has so many times as she reasons with herself that if Jacob doesn’t understand her need to be here for her son then they are not going to work because she has already had one man blackmail her into leaving her son. And she’ll be damned if she’ll let it happen again.

“I should be back around six,” Asher tells them even though he isn’t sure how long the practice will actually be. “So, should I put my medicine in the cabinet upstairs?” He asks gesturing toward the white bag containing his three new prescriptions. 

"Yeah, you can. But for the first few weeks, your doctor wants me to observe when you take them so that we make sure that you get the correct dosage." Harold explains avoiding telling his son that his doctor's real reason for the observation is so that Asher doesn't take too much medication. 

"That's fine." Asher agrees before he picks up the bag and it feels like it is filled with rocks instead of pills. “Well, I’m going to take a shower before JJ and Jordan get here.” He exclaims before he looks between his parents one last time not even bothering to try and decipher what they were trying to say with the silent conversation that they were having with their eyes.

Taking in a deep breath he starts his slow ascend up the stairs ignoring the hushed voices of his parents coming from the kitchen since he knows they are talking about him but in a bad way he reminds himself.

 _I know they are just concerned about me. And that they are finally showing me how much they care._ He thinks pausing briefly on the landing before he walks down the short hall to the bathroom retracing his steps from the other night when he thought it would be his last time walking down the hallway.

He steps inside the beige painted room with the memory of what happened on Wednesday night rushing back to him that feels more like a nightmare instead of real events in his life.

Closing the door, he decides to keep it unlocked before he walks over to the sink avoiding his own gaze before he opens the medicine cabinet to place the three pill bottles on the same shelf where he had taken his dad's bottle of muscle relaxers from a few nights earlier. 

_Anit-depressants._

_Anti-anxiety meds._

_Sleeping pills._

He thinks as he reads each label as he promises himself that he is only ever going to take the prescribed dosage of each medication before he closes the medicine cabinet as his eyes land on the plastic identification bracelet that is still around his wrist lifting it up closer to his face so that he can read the fine print that spells out his information.

Wanting nothing more than to take off the bracelet to get rid of anything that reminds me of how he just spent the last three days in the hospital he opens the drawer below the sink to look for the pair of scissors that he knows are always in there.

His brow furrows in confusion when he sees the scissors are not in their usual spot or under anything else that is in the drawer. With the realization hitting him that his dad must have hidden them from him so that he doesn’t hurt himself again he grips onto the sides of the sink to keep himself from falling onto the tiles as his knees threaten to buckle underneath him.

 _Just breathe, just breathe._ He tells himself as he inhales a shuddering breath before he roughly jerks the bracelet off over his wrist ignoring the way the plastic edges scrap sharply across his skin reminding him of the razor blade that he used time and time again to cut line after line into his now scarred skin.

_Just breathe, just breathe._ He repeats to himself letting the bracelet fall into the bowl of the sink just like he had those pills just a few nights ago before he opens the cabinet door below the sink as he reaches reflexively for the razor blade that no one else knows is there.

Taking in another deep breath he peels off the tape along with the small razor blade before he turns around dropping the razor blade into the small trash can by the toilet with a clinking sound that echoes through the silent room before he allows his eyes to focus on his dried blood that’s now crusted on the razor’s edge.

 _I’m okay._ _I’m okay._ He assures himself raking his hands through his hair before he picks up the plastic patient identification bracelet watching as it falls slowly out of his hand landing on top of the razor blade in the trash can.

 _I’m okay. I’m okay._ He repeats meeting his gaze in the mirror for the first time since he stood in the same spot three nights ago when he was ready to let go of everything — his parent, his friends, his life.

_Everything._

None of it had mattered in that moment to him but as he stares at his reflection with his eyes filled with a look of deep determination that he has never seen them hold before he knows that he is ready to take back claim over his life.

 _But first I need a shower._ He thinks with a small smile with the antiseptic smell from the hospital filling his nostrils that is still clinging onto his clothes and skin.

With the thought of wanting nothing more but to erase the smell and the thought of the hospital from his memory, he pulls his t-shirt over his head before he slips off his sweatpants and boxers before placing them into the hamper.

 _I’m going to be okay._ He promises himself as he steps in the shower before turning on the water to the hottest setting closing his eyes as he lets the water run down his skin allowing the tears to fall freely down his cheeks instead of holding them back like all the times before because his tears are ones of relief and not sadness.

 _I’m going to be okay._ He whispers out loud above the roaring sound of the water streaming out of the showerhead and the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears before he opens the shampoo bottle feeling calmer as the familiar scent mixes with the steam and he can finally breathe fully again.

 _I’m taking back control of my life._ He affirms after he lathers the shampoo in his hair before he massages his scalp feeling some of the tension that he has built up in his body over the past few months release falling in the water below with the suds from his shampoo as he rinses it from his hair.

After his shower deciding he had been standing in the steady stream of water long enough as the water lost all of its warmth and comfort, he towels off quickly before he wraps the towel around his waist since he had forgotten to get himself clean clothes from his closet.

He picks up his phone off of the sink counter when it lights up with a new text unsurprisingly finding that it is Jordan and Olivia and that he has one from JJ he received five minutes earlier.

 _Hey, Ash! We are so happy that you made it home okay! Love, Liv, and Jay!_ Is Olivia’s and Jordan’s text sent from Olivia’s phone followed by a line of heart emojis.

 _Love you guys too._ Asher quickly texts back following his own message with a line of heart emoji’s which he hasn’t used in months.

After replying to the twins, he taps open JJ’s message.

 _Hey, Ash! Thanks for letting me know that you made it home. See you soon for the youth football practice. Love you best friend._ Asher can’t help the smile that crosses his face as he thinks about how much his best friends love him.

 _Can’t wait for the practice. Love you too best friend, or should I say, my own personal keeper?_ Asher replies back followed by a winking face emoji.

Opening the bathroom door, he pauses for a moment listening for his parent’s voices to make sure they are still downstairs before he steps out into the hallway.

 _Lol, that’s right and don’t you forget it._ JJ texts back with an upside-down smiley face following his words after Asher is dressed in clothes that smell like laundry detergent and dryer sheets and not the antiseptic smell of the hospital.

 _Like you’ll ever let me._ Asher types out his reply with a smirk on his face.

 _Damn straight. See you in an hour._ Comes JJ’s instant reply across his phone screen.

 _Can’t wait._ Asher replies following his words with a thumb’s up emoji since he is finally looking forward to something after months and months of struggling to even get out of bed.

***

Under the heat of the bright California sun that is still hot even though it is the middle of October Asher is already regretting his choice to wear a long sleeve shirt as sweat starts to bead out across his forehead and it’s not even been five minutes since he and JJ arrived at the church pulling along Jordan’s Mustang in the gravel parking lot for the youth football practice. He pulls the sleeves down over his palms as he thinks back to his reasoning for the shirt that is much too warm for the weather today which was because he didn’t want anyone to see his nearly invisible self-harm scars. Although he doubted that anyone would, but he just didn’t want to have to deal with anyone staring or asking questions.

“I didn’t know you still went to this church,” Asher observes turning his attention away from the grassy area in front of them marked off with orange cones to resemble the yard lines on an actual football field to look over at JJ who is standing next to him.

“I don’t anymore not since my grandma died last year because I just didn’t feel right coming here without her. And I never was really big into the whole church scene anyway.” JJ explains flicking his eyes briefly over to his best friend before he casts his gaze back onto the field where his other best friend, Jordan, is helping a group of the kids with their throws.

“Your grandma was the best.” Asher exclaims swallowing nervously as he wonders why in the hell, he brought up something to remind JJ of his grandma because he knows even though it’s been a year since she passed away it is still a very hard topic for him to discuss. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to bring her up.” He apologizes feeling guilty that he is the reason why the smile has faded from JJ’s face.

“It’s okay Ash,” JJ assures him letting out a long breath before he continues. “And you were right my grandma was the best. She would always stay with me when my parents went on business trips.” He recalls remembering how his grandma would always come up with a reason to stay an extra night at their house even after his parents had come home from their long trips.

“I remember at your sleepovers she would always make like three dozen of the best chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever had for me, you, and Jay and we would eat them all before they could even cool down,” Asher says with a fond smile remembering how JJ’s grandma always acted surprised when JJ would tell her that the dog ate all the cookies before they got a chance to eat them so that she would make more.

“Right. I still have her recipe.” JJ explains thinking about the metal recipe box filled with her favorite recipes written in her perfect cursive handwriting that he tucked away on the top shelf of the pantry.

“Really? We might have to make it sometime.” Asher exclaims knowing that JJ always cherished the times he had spent baking and cooking with his grandma.

“That'd be nice,” JJ says with a faraway look in his eye that Asher can only assume is because the memory of his grandma is playing through his mind like an old home movie.

“Is this where you got into football?” Asher questions after a few beats of silence pass between them as they continue to watch the kids practice.

“Yeah, it was,” JJ answers with a slight nod.

“It's nice what you’re doing for these kids.” Asher compliments admiring all the hard work that JJ puts into the actual game and helping other kids realize their potential. 

“They're really great.” JJ agrees watching as the players huddle around their coach.

“I’ve forgotten that football could actually be fun.” Asher states after seeing the smiles on the kids’ excited faces.

“Have you thought about asking the coach if you could get back on the team?” JJ wonders wishing that Asher would get back on the team. 

“No. The season is almost over now anyway.” Asher says with a shrug as he knows that even if the coach did let him back on the team that it would only lead to him using steroids again and can’t go back to doing that.

“Are still going to come watch the games?” JJ questions glancing over to Asher through his peripheral vision before he casts his gaze back out to the field.

“Yeah. There’s no way I’m going to miss seeing you and Jay play your last few senior games.” Asher tells him

“I can’t believe we'll be graduating soon,” JJ exclaims waving to Jordan as he jogs back over to join them on the sidelines from where he was consulting with the coach on who would be the best pick for the quarterback for this game since the coaches rotate the kids’ positions each practice so that they all get a chance to try 

“Me either.” Asher agrees thinking back to just a few nights ago when the farthest thing from his mind was graduating high school.

“So, do you have your QB picked out?” JJ asks as Jordan stand in line with him and Asher as they all three scan their eyes over the field as the practice starts.

“Yeah, I chose number twelve,” Jordan explains pointing to the taller player who is practicing his throw one more time.

“Great choice.” JJ states as they watch the player throw a perfect spiral to the other player waiting down for the ball to be thrown. 

A silence settles over them as the game starts to begin and they all start to imagine themselves on the field like when they were younger and played for fun rather than for college scholarships.

Asher holds his breath as he watches a shorter player fumble a catch and how the boy automatically locks eyes with who he assumes is his dad who is sending him a disapproving look as he shakes his head. 

“What’s that kid's name?” Asher asks JJ as he points to the player who is staring down at the grass holding back his tears.

“That’s Tate.” JJ answers feeling empathy for the boy who he knows has been trying so hard at practices lately.

“Hey, Tate.” Asher greets the young player after the coach had called a brief time out who reminds him so much of himself when their eyes meet, and the boy quickly blinks away his tears. “So, next time the QB throws the ball just make sure your open, and I have no doubt that you can catch the ball.” He explains hoping that Tate will believe him and in himself.

“You think I can?” Tate asks in a desperate tone as he stares up at Asher with wide eyes.

“I know you can.” Asher affirms with a determined nod. “And don’t forget that football is about having fun above anything else. So, remember that okay?” He explains wishing that someone had told him the same thing when he was Tate’s age.

“Okay.” The young player says before he runs back onto the field after the coach blows his whistle signaling that the game has started again.

“Was there some truth in what you were telling the wide receiver?” JJ asks once Asher steps back next to him on the sidelines.

“What do you mean?” Asher asks as he watches Tate run down the field with the hope of catching the ball as the quarterback sits up the throw.

“About football only being for fun,” JJ tells him as they watch Tate triumphantly leap up in the air before he catches the ball earning him a good job from his dad.

“The way that Tate was keeping his eyes on his dad reminded me of when I was younger and pretty much every time I was on the field and how I was wanting to get my dad's approval that I was doing good.” _Not that I ever did._ He wants to add but he doesn’t as he watches the game with more intensity than before.

“You were always great at football Ash,” JJ whispers just loud enough for his best friend to hear him before sending him a wide grin after Jordan went over to talk to the coaches since the game was over.

“Thanks,” Asher whispers back flicking his gaze over to JJ's face watching as his jaw clenches and unclenches as he feels a heat creep up onto his cheeks and the back of his neck which he knows isn’t just from the sun beaming down on their backs.

“I’m going to talk to the coaches really quick about the next practice,” JJ explains before he leaves his two best friends behind on the sidelines.

“I’m so glad that you’re out of the hospital Ash,” Jordan exclaims turning his full attention to his best friend for the first time since they got to the football practice.

“Thanks, I’m glad to be out of there too,” Asher says feeling a lingering tension between him and Jordan that he isn’t quite sure what is the reason. “Are you mad at me?” He questions noticing the way that he is clenching his jaw. 

“No, Ash I’m not mad at you,” Jordan assures his best friend as he shakes his head.

“You’ve barely said two words to me since we got here,” Asher exclaims feeling foolish that he thought everyone would just automatically get over what he almost did to them.

“I know and I’m sorry for that it’s just I’ve been thinking,” Jordan explains looking down at the ground before he locks gazes with Asher again.

“About what?” Asher inquires biting on his bottom lip as he waits for Jordan to answer.

“That morning when I found Olivia when she had overdosed was the scariest moment of my life. I thought I had lost her.” Jordan states with the image of finding his twin, his baby sister, passed out on the couch barely breathing plays in his mind again like the nightmares he had for months after that he hadn’t made it in time to save her.

“I can’t imagine how scared you must have been,” Asher says thinking back to how guilty he had felt when heard about her overdose because he had left Olivia alone and then she had taken even more drugs than she had the night before.

“But hearing our mom tell us that you almost swallowed those pills I felt the same fear I did the morning of Liv’s overdose,” Jordan explains feeling once more the heaviness of how close they had become to losing their best friend.

“Oh, Jay I really am sorry. It was a really selfish thing for me to do. And I wasn’t thinking about anyone else but myself.” Asher apologizes knowing now that if he had swallowed those pills that the people closest to him would have absolutely cared if he had died.

“You were hurting Ash and you needed help,” Jordan tells him not meaning to cause a guilt trip for his best friend over what he was going through because that was the last thing he wanted.

“Which I am getting now on all fronts,” Asher affirms with a small smile feeling grateful at how his parents and friends are showing him the love and support he has so desperately been needing this past year.

“Yeah, you’re like the brother I never had. No, actually you are brother my Ash.” Jordan states extending his hand out to Asher for their secret handshake.

“And you’re my brother too Jay,” Asher says with a wide grin as he and Jordan share their secret handshake before his brother pulls him in for a quick hug.

“So, how about we go to _I Hop_ for some pancakes to celebrate,” Jordan suggests after JJ walks back to the sidelines where his two best friends are still standing.

“I would love to, but I promised my parents that I would have dinner with them,” Asher explains feeling guilty that he is going to let his best friends down yet again.

“No worries Ash. We’ll go out another time.” JJ tells him after sharing a look with Jordan knowing that the last thing that either of them wanted to do was upset their best friend.

“What were we going to celebrating?” Asher asks with his stomach growling which he hopes Jordan and JJ don’t hear since he hasn’t eaten anything since breakfast at the hospital.

“Getting our best friend back,” JJ tells him as he throws his long muscular arm over Asher's shoulders once they start walking off the makeshift football field.

“It’s good to be back,” Asher exclaims honestly sending both of his best friends a grateful smile.

“Well, I’m going to stop by Simone’s for a while,” Jordan explains as he stops by the driver's side door before he turns back toward his best friends.

“Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days Jay just _‘stopping by’._ ” JJ teases placing air quotations around his last two wards. 

“If you say so JJ.,” Jordan says with a fake eye roll as he bites back a laugh.

“I just call it like I see it, Baker,” JJ explains with a wide grin.

“Don’t I know it.” Jordan tells him as he shakes his head at JJ’s antics. “It’s really great to have you back Ash.” He states looking over at Asher hoping that he really knows that when he called him his brother, he meant it. 

“Thanks, Jay and have fun stopping by Simone’s,” Asher tells him with a smirk.

“Not you too,” Jordan exclaims unable to hold in his laughter any longer. “So, we’ll go really soon for those all you can eat pancakes.” He says after he gets in his car rolling down his window.

“I can’t wait,” Asher affirms before he and JJ wave at Jordan as he backs out of his parking spot.

The drive back to Asher’s house is quiet except for the loud music coming from the speakers before JJ lets the engine idle in the driveway turning the music down as he waits for Asher to make the first move to get out.

“Are you okay Ash?” JJ asks after a few long moments as he notices how he is staring blankly ahead at his house.

“Yeah,” Asher says blinking rapidly as he crosses his arms over his chest. “I mean I am trying really hard to be it’s just weird having both of my parents here for me because it has been years since they have paid this much attention to me.” He admits taking a cautious glance over to JJ who is tapping his thumbs nervously against the steering wheel.

“But you know that you're worth every damn second of their attention. Right?” JJ wonders shifting in the car seat so that he is leaning closer toward his best friend.

“I’m learning to accept that,” Asher explains biting on his bottom lip.

“Well, you are and don’t you dare ever forget that,” JJ exclaims sending him a pointed look before he watches as his best friend leans his head back against the headrest.

“I scared myself the other night JJ,” Asher says quietly closing his eyes as fresh tears threaten to fall as he thinks back to the fear that iced through him as he stared down at the mouth full of pills he had spit out into the sink.

“You scared me too Ash,” JJ admits laying his hand on Asher’s forearm as his own eyes start to blur with tears with the thought of how close, he came to losing his best friend is still at the back of his min.

“I’m sorry,” Asher whispers out his apology with his voice coming out strained.

“Please don’t apologize. Just promise me that if you ever feel that way again, you’ll tell me or someone.” JJ pleads with his own voice breaking as he gives his forearm a gentle, comforting squeeze.

“I promise.” Asher states opening his eyes before he glances over at JJ to find his eyes are shining with tears too.

 _I’ve really hurt the people that care about me the most._ He thinks swallowing against the lump that is forming in his throat as he keeps his eyes glued on his best friend’s tear-filled blue eyes recalling that the last time that he saw JJ cry was at his grandma’s funeral.

“Good,” JJ says nodding his head slightly as blinks away the tears from his burning eyes. 

“Well, I guess I should go,” Asher exclaims making no move to unbuckle his seatbelt.

“Yeah, I should probably get going too.” JJ decides wishing for nothing more for an extra five minutes to talk with his best friend watching with sad eyes as Asher slowly takes off his seatbelt.

“JJ do you want to come eat dinner with us?” Asher asks with his hand gripping the door handle as he turns back toward his best friend since he knows that his parents are still gone on their business trip and he doesn’t him to be alone.

“I mean they aren’t expecting any guests,” JJ exclaims and Asher almost laughs out loud because he is acting like it's some fancy dinner party with fine china instead of Chinese take-out with chopsticks that none of them even know how to use.

“But if I know my mom, she has ordered extra food and if she didn’t, I’ll share mine with you until we order more,” Asher explains nodding toward his house.

“Are you sure they won’t mind?” JJ questions in an uncertain tone since he hasn’t been over for dinner at Asher’s house since like middle school. 

“No, they won’t,” Asher assures him knowing that if anything his parents are actually expecting one or both of his friends to join them for dinner.

“Does your mom order the south-west egg rolls?” JJ asks with a grin finally returning to his face.

“And what other kinds of egg rolls are there?” Asher exclaims with a light-hearted chuckle.

“Hell yeah I hope she got some extra soy sauce,” JJ says as he rubs his hands together before he unbuckles his seatbelt.

“My dad and I keep like three extra bottles in the pantry at all times,” Asher explains as he follows JJ’s actions of opening his car door.

“Are you up for a little egg roll eating contest?” JJ questions after he locks his car, and they are walking up the short sidewalk toward the front door.

“The real question is though if you’re ready.” Asher corrects with a small laugh.

“You do know you’re talking to the person who holds the record for the wing eating contest. Right?” JJ exclaims with his signature lopsided grin spreading across his face.

“Consider yourself dethroned today,” Asher affirms with a determined nod.

“So, I take that as you accepting the challenge then,” JJ says before he extends his hand out toward Asher to shake.

“Challenge accepted Parker,” Asher states as he shakes JJ’s extended hand.

“Bring it on Adams,” JJ tells him playfully punching him in the shoulder.

“Hey, mom. Hey dad. I’m home.” Asher calls after he and JJ walk through the front door before taking their shoes off. “And JJ is going to be eating dinner with us.” He explains as he walks in the kitchen with his best friend following close behind him. 

“I thought at least one of Asher’s friend would be coming by for dinner,” Gwen exclaims with a warm smile before she gets up from the barstool to get the extra take-out containers out of the microwave.

“I told you,” Asher whispers quietly so that only JJ can hear him earning him a smirk that he knows is matching his own.

“Thanks, Mrs. A. I mean um what’s your last name again?” JJ questions with his cheeks burning a deep shade of red at his obvious slip up with Asher’s mom’s last name.

“No worries JJ. And you can just call me Gwen.” Gwen assures the embarrassed teen as she hands him his food.

“Let’s go get that egg roll eating contest started JJ,” Asher exclaims patting his friend on the shoulder before he nods his head toward the dining room.

“I thought you had forgotten.” JJ jokes following behind

“You wish,” Asher says with a smirk before he and JJ sit across from each other at the table before his parents join them.

 _It’s so good to be back home._ Asher thinks as he sends his mom and dad a grateful smile before he and JJ both eat their first egg roll.

***

The next day, Sunday, fifteen minutes later after he had finally convinced his dad after thirty minutes of honest, heartfelt reassurances that he would be okay if he ran to the grocery store the doorbell rings pulling Asher out of his thoughts as he was sitting on the couch staring absent-mindedly at his phone wondering if he should call Olivia to let her know that he made it home okay since they didn’t get a chance to talk yesterday.

“Hey, Liv. I was just thinking about you.” Asher greets after he opens the door to find Olivia standing on his porch nervously shifting her weight between her feet as she sends him a hesitant smile.

“Hi, Ash. Great minds think alike.” Olivia tells him with a nervous laugh as she tucks her long braids behind her ear. “So, I brought your favorite ice cream mint chocolate chip.” She explains looking down at the carton before she hands it to him.

“Thanks.” He says with a grateful smile at how thoughtful Olivia always is.

“It might be melted since I've been standing out here for the last five minutes debating on whether or not to ring your doorbell.” She tells him clasping her hands in front of her as they start shakes as she’s still not sure if she still should be here or not.

“Well, I'm glad you rang it Liv because I was just about to call you. And I think it’s better that we can talk face to face anyway.” Asher explains stepping back out of the doorway so that she can step through the door. “Come in.” He says with a wave watching as she shuts the door after slipping off her shoes before she turns to follow him into the kitchen.

“So, how are you doing?” Olivia asks taking a seat on one of the bar stools as Asher gets a bowl and spoon from the dishwasher.

“I’m feeling a lot better in every way,” Asher answers honestly after pausing for a moment to really decide how he is even though he knows he still has a long way to go he is remaining hopeful that

“I'm glad to hear that.” She tells him with a nod before she sends him a soft smile that makes her eyes brighten with happiness. “Is everything okay?” She asks cautiously watching as Asher stares down at his phone screen with his brow furrowed.

“Yeah, it was just my dad texting for like the twentieth asking if I was okay,” Asher explains after he texts his dad back to tell him that he is doing okay and that Olivia came over.

“He really cares about you, Ash,” Olivia states with a soft smile feeling more at ease knowing that Asher’s relationships with both of his parents are finally improving after the hard year they’ve had.

“I am finally starting to realize just how much you all care about me,” Asher admits sending her a grateful smile as he slides his phone into his back pocket.

“It’s about time.” She says with a playful smile.

“Do want some ice cream?” He asks before he opens the lid to find the ice cream has melted. “Or should I say some mint chocolate chip flavored milk?” He exclaims with a lighthearted chuckle as he scoops at some of the ice cream anyway.

“No, I'm good. Sorry, it melted though.” She says before joining in on his laughter that she was afraid that she would never hear again after what almost happened.

“It’s okay it still tastes the same,” Asher tells her with a smile before he puts the ice cream carton in the freezer.

“I know you just got home yesterday but have you had a chance to write in your journal yet?” She asks after she sits down next to him on the couch tucking her right leg underneath her as she turns her body toward him letting her right arm rest on the back of the couch.

“Actually, yeah I did. It was nice to get everything out of my head and onto the paper just like you said it would.” He tells her remembering how much clearer his mind felt after looking down to find all his thoughts scrawled out in blue ink onto the two previous blank pages.

“That’s really great Ash. I’m glad it’s helping you.” She says before looking down at the couch cushion with a question that has been weighing her down ever since she heard about what he almost did. “Was I the reason you almost swallowed those pills?” She asks in such a low tone that she isn’t sure she’s voiced the question out loud until she hears him inhale a sharp, shallow breath.

“What Liv God no you weren’t the reason why.” He exclaims grabbing onto her hands like they are his last lifeline.

“But I broke up with you and…” She explains before she trails off when her voice breaks off as tears gather in her eyes.

“And losing you hurt but that’s not what made me do it,” Asher tells her honestly reaching over hesitantly to brush away a stray tear that falls down her makeup-free cheek.

“Then why did you almost do it?” She questions hating how when she lifts her gaze up to meets his that his eyes are glazed over with tears because the last thing, she wanted to do was upset him but at the same time she had to know _why_ he almost took his own life.

“I'd been struggling for a long time ever since last year after my mom left and my dad started drinking a lot and he lost his job and then we lost our house,” Asher explains remembering how alone he had felt when his mom first left. 

“Why didn’t you tell anyone then?” She questions with an honest amount of curiosity and not with an ounce of an accusation in her tone. 

“I didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems.” He tells her with a shrug knowing that at the time they were all facing their own problems that seemed to far outweigh his own. 

“Asher we’re your friends we could have helped you.” She reminds him in a gentle tone watching as a look of uncertainty crosses his face.

“You all had your own much bigger problems that you were dealing with. You were still in rehab after your overdose. And Jordan was focused on being a better brother for when you came home. And JJ was dealing with losing his grandma. And then Layla was still grieving over her mom and she had gone away that summer with her dad on vacation. So, by the time school started I just tried to cover everything up but as we both know that sure didn’t happen.” Asher explains hating how after so many failed attempts over the past year to make things better he only ended with him fucking things up time and time again.

“I’m sorry you went through all of this alone.” She tells him she runs her thumbs across his knuckles wishing that she had tried harder after their breakup to make sure that he was okay.

“It’s not your fault that I pushed everyone away.” He says hating how he had treated each of his friends when all they were trying to do was help him.

“Was the other night your first time at an attempt?” She asks even though the uneasiness she is feeling in her stomach tells her it wasn’t.

“No. I had tried twice before.” He answers honestly surprising himself with how quickly and easily the truth rolls off his tongue when just a few days ago he would have denied the fact that he had been struggling.

“When?” She urges licking her lips nervously as she waits for his answer.

“Do you remember after I was suspended from the team after giving Malibu our playbook?” Asher asks waiting for Olivia to hesitantly nod before he continues. “Well as you know my dad kicked me out when I wasn’t on the team anymore and I was sleeping in my car.” He finishes pausing as he knows his admission is going to be hard for her to hear.

“I remember.” She says with a nod before sending him a small but encouraging smile a cue for him to continue whenever he is ready.

“That morning that you found me before the combine that was the first time.” He finally admits watching regretfully as a look of guilt crosses across her face.

“Oh, Ash I’m so sorry I had no idea.” She exclaims pressing her hand firmly over her mouth as she chokes back her sob remembering how lonely and sad, he had looked that morning when the light returned to his eyes when he saw it was her standing outside his car.  
  
“I didn’t want anyone to know.” He explains quickly not wanting her to feel one ounce of guilt for anything that he has done.

“What did you do?” She asks gently as she rests her hand on his forearm.

“I drunk more that night than I ever had before, and I hoped that I wouldn’t wake up. But then you found me, and I figured it must have been fate that you did and that I woke up.” He tells her with his voice breaking at the end of his sentence.

“It was fate, and I would do it all over again,” Olivia says holding his gaze as she moves her hand away from his forearm so that she can hold onto his hand. “When was the second time?” She asks in a measured tone after clearing away the thick emotion that was gathering in her throat.

“It was after I had been kicked off the team for using steroids which I know that I should have been. And even though my dad told me that he was proud of me for coming clean about what I had done I couldn’t help but think that he was so disappointed in me for being kicked off the team for a second time.” He recalls with the small smile that she had sent him from her spot on the bleachers as his dad wrapped an arm around his shoulders flashes through his mind.

 _They had both been trying so hard to be there for me and I wouldn’t let them._ He realizes a little too late as he was too caught up in the fact he had once again managed to lose everything.

“I heard him that day on the bleachers and as far as I could tell he was anything but disappointed in you Ash.” She assures him remembering how happy she was when she overheard how Harold was finally being the dad that Asher had always deserved. “So, what did you do after the game?” She questions catching his eyes that are glazed over with a memory that she can only imagine.

“That night when we got home, I took like a dozen _Aspirin_ , but nothing happened, and I just woke up the next morning and I tried to forget that it ever happened.” He recalls as he remembers how indifferent he had felt when he had woken up.

“I was wondering why you didn’t answer my phone call.” She says remembering how she had called him that same night and how worried she had been when his phone had gone straight to voicemail.

“I’m sorry I worried you. You were always way too good to me Liv.” He exclaims shaking his head slightly in disbelief at how after everything he has done, she is still here for him.

“No, it’s just what you do for those that you care about.” She assures him giving his hand a soft squeeze.

“Thank you for not giving up on me completely.” He tells her with tears blurring his vision again as he looks down at their joined hands.

“Well, what kind of best friend would I be if I did that?” She asks following his gaze down to their interlaced fingers before their eyes lock once more. “I’m always going to be here for you Ash.” She promises him before she gives his hand another gentle squeeze. "So, I guess that today can be the someday that we start being friends again?" She wonders with a small smile.

"No, but today is the someday that we can start being _best friends_ again," Asher informs her with a warm smile as she wraps her arms around him. “I love you Liv.” He whispers relishing in how good it feels in their embrace and knowing he undoubtedly has the three most amazing best friends that anyone could possibly have.

“I love you too Ash.” She responds as she pulls back out of their hug so that she can send him a sweet smile as he returns her smile, and her heart is warmed at the small glimpse of her best friend that she sees in his relaxed expression. “You know we never did finish watching _Stranger Things_.” She exclaims nodding toward the paused television screen.

“We didn’t ever finish it did we?” He realizes as he remembers how they had stopped watching season two a week before her cotillion when she was spending all of her time at dance practices which he had missed for his extreme workout schedule but before he lets his thoughts spiral any farther to that night and how he had once again messed everything up he flips on the television before he launches _Netflix_ easily finding the show at the top before he selects the continue watching option. 

“Exactly where we left off,” Olivia exclaims as the characters jump back into the action on the screen from right where they left them paused months ago.

“Right just like old times,” Asher says with a grin remembering how all the times before when they were younger, they sat on each other’s couches enjoying each other’s company and whatever movie or show was playing on the screen.

“Only this time it’s going to be better.” She promises with such a look of intense hopefulness that he has no choice but to feel the same hopeful feeling spread through his chest. 

“I have no doubt.” He tells her with a nod holding her gaze a moment longer before they both turn their attention back to the show.

 _With friends like these, I’m never going to on my own ever again. And if I’m honest I never was._ He realizes as he lets Olivia pull most of the blanket from the back of the couch onto her lap before she snuggles into his side as he lets himself fully relax back into the couch cushions knowing that with his friends by his side that he is eventually going to be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about the seventh chapter of this story that I hope that you have enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos!
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> Thank y'all so much for reading my story and for your support so far throughout it! I honestly can't thank you guys enough! <3
> 
> The last chapter (coming later this week) is going to be called _Day by Day_ and it will be showing how Asher is fully embracing the healing process and someone is going to be making a surprising admission to him at the end. 
> 
> P.S. Let me know any predictions that you guys have for the final chapter down below and also for what you think the twist ending is going to be! (Which I am hoping that y'all will enjoy the ending because it is going to be the lead in to the prequel story! :)


	8. Day by Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day by day Asher is beginning to look at life with a more positive outlook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, y’all! 😊 
> 
> I am so excited to be back with the final chapter of this story that I hope the each of you have are enjoyed reading so far! And I hope that it finds each of you doing well! 
> 
> So, in this chapter Asher will be having a group therapy session with his parents and someone will be making a surprise admission to him at the ending. 
> 
> And this is the longest chapter as it is almost 11,000 words. :) 
> 
> The title for this chapter was taken from a song called _Day by Day_ by the band _Picturesque_ \- who are such an amazing band! :D
> 
> Please enjoy it! <3  
>  **  
> (Trigger warnings do apply for this chapter so please read the note below before reading.)**
> 
>  **Please Note:** This chapter does contain several topics that could be potentially triggering to some readers which are tagged accordingly in the above story tags. So, please read with extra caution and care during this chapter and if it gets too much then by all means please stop reading because it is never my intention to cause you guys undo pain and suffering. Take care of yourselves friends! <3 
> 
> P.S. I just wanted to thank all of you so much for reading this story and for making it my mostly quickly read story and my most read story besides my other multi-chapter story _The Before and The After_! Honestly your guys' reaction to this story has blown me away and I appreciate each and every one of one for taking the time to read my story, leave such kind and sweet comments and for all the kudos! Y'all are the best!!! <3
> 
> P.S.S. There is a very small spoiler for season three in this chapter, but it is nothing that spoils any of the plot points, but it is rather just a tiny detail from this season. So, just in case you haven't watched the current season I just wanted you to be aware of the barely there spoiler that is in this chapter. But not to worry because even if you haven't watched season three this chapter does not contain any major spoilers so you will be safe to read it - I promise! ;)

On a Friday in late October Asher awakes to the sound of his dad on the phone with his sponsor which has been his wake-up call for the last two weeks since he has been released from the hospital and for the biweekly therapy sessions that have been penciled into the calendar on the refrigerator that he is sure has never been marked with any special reminder other than the _Beverly High_ football schedule for the last four years.

But things are different now.

He’s no longer on the football team.

His parents are actually interested in his life and in him.

His best friends are finally back into his life and they all are fully committed to making their friendship work this time.

It’s still strange from him though but he’s learning to adjust to having people care about him which he knows that they always have but now trying to accept it has been a challenge.

But most importantly he wants to actually live now, and he wants to get better.

 _I don’t want to go to therapy again._ He thinks as he pulls himself out of bed knowing that the only reason that he is able to is because of the dosage of anti-depressants he took before bed and that the only way that he is going to make it through the group therapy session with his parents is the next dosage of medication that is waiting for him in the medicine cabinet.

 _But I’m going to try because my parents are trying. And I want to get better_. He reminds himself before he undresses rubbing his hands up and down along his chill bump covered arms as a shiver runs down his spine before he steps into the shower turning the water to the hottest setting for the water to only come out of the showerhead at a lukewarm temperature much to his dismay.

 _It’s going to be this kind of day._ He thinks hurrying through his shower before he towels off and then pulling on his clothes that strategically hide all of his self-harm scars as he decides not to bother with styling his hair today.

“Do you want some coffee?” Harold asks keeping his voice casual to hide his own nerves as he looks up at his son’s face when he walks into the kitchen.

“No. I’m good,” Asher answers shaking his head as he uncurls his fingers from their hold around his two morning pills so that he can show his dad that he has the correct dosage.

Not more and not less of the amount that he is prescribed to take.

“How are you feeling about today?” Harold questions after watching Asher fill a glass with water from the refrigerator before he chases the two pills down with the whole glass.

“I’m nervous,” Asher admits letting out a long breath after he put his glass in the dishwasher before he hesitantly turns back to face his dad. 

“Why it’s going to just be you, me, and your mom.” Harold inquires sending his son a warm smile.

“I know but the therapist is probably going to talk about a lot of stuff that we haven’t before,” Asher says crossing his arms over his chest as he picks at a stray thread on the cuff of his long-sleeved shirt.

“Like what?” Harold wonders even though he knows exactly what his son is talking about because it’s still a topic that even he has been avoiding himself.

“That _night_ ,” Asher tells his dad wishing it were a night that had never happened.

“Asher, we don’t have to talk about anything that you’re not ready for,” Harold assures his son knowing that it is an important part of his healing process to be in control of what they talk about in the therapy sessions and also what they don’t talk about too.

“But eventually we are going to have to if we can ever move on from it.” Asher reasons knowing that they can’t just skip around the elephant in the room that is weighing them all down.

“Well, if it doesn’t happen today then we will talk about what happened that night another day,” Harold promises taking a hesitant step across the kitchen tiles closer to his son.

“You say it like it was no big deal,” Asher tells him unable to keep the edge from his voice making his words come out sharper than he means.

“No, I didn’t,” Harold says letting out a long huff of breath as he shakes his head.

“Can you even say what I almost did dad?” Asher questions catching his dad’s eye as his own eyes narrow.

“Asher, I know what it was that you almost did,” Harold tells his son hating how the way his voice breaks when the thought of what his son almost did flashes through his mind.

“Then say it.” Asher challenges fighting the urge to say the words aloud himself.

“Son, I don’t need to say it for it to break my heart every time I think about it,” Harold explains with tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of how close he came to losing his son.

“I’ll be in the car,” Asher says before he brushes past his dad ignoring his calls for him to come back before he slams the door that separates the kitchen and the garage.

 _Hey, Ash what are you doing today?_ Comes JJ’s text after Asher is settled into the passenger seat watching through the windshield as his dad starts down the cement steps.

 _Hey, JJ. I’ve got a therapy session with my parents at eleven and then later I have to get my stitches removed out of my calve._ Asher texts back knowing that it’s easier in the long run to just be honest because he knows more than ever how much his best friends care about him.

 _Good luck today Ash. Let me know if you need anything._ JJ instantly replies after his dad slides behind the steering wheel.

 _Thanks, and I will._ Asher responds after his dad backs out of the garage.

“Dad. I’m sorry. I’m just nervous about today.” Asher apologizes letting out a long breath after his dad comes to a stop at a four-way intersection.

“I know son,” Harold tells Asher briefly casting a glance in his direction before he makes a left turn.

“I’m trying so hard to get better,” Asher explains feeling frustrated at himself for letting his anger win over what he really wanted to sorry which was to apologize for that night and what he had almost done.

“I know you are. And you’ve come such a long way in such a short amount of time and I’m so proud of you.” Harold assures his son taking his right hand briefly off the steering wheel so that he can give his son’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“Thanks,” Asher says feeling grateful that neither of his parents had blamed him for anything that had happened even though he blamed himself.

Harold turns the volume up slightly on the radio letting the DJ do the talking for them for the rest of the drive to the therapist’s office as they let a comfortable silence fall in between them.

“Looks like your mom beat us here today,” Harold observes as he pulls into the open parking spot next to his ex-wife’s SUV.

“Yeah,” Asher says sending his mom a small wave as she steps out of her car before unbuckles his seat belt and his dad does the same.

“Hey, baby. How are you today?” Gwen greets opening her arms up for her son to step into after he steps out of the car.

“Hey, mom. I’m okay.” Asher tells her leaning into her embrace for a moment longer as he gathers strength from her warm arms for the therapy session ahead of them.

“Are you ready for this?” Harold asks from behind his son and ex-wife after they pull back from their embrace.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Asher states sending his parents a nervous smile before he walks in between his parents to the therapist’s office.

Leaving behind his dad who is aimlessly flipping through an old copy of _Sports_ Illustrated and his mom who is picking at her already chipped gel nail polish in the waiting room after his therapist calls him back alone so that they can first talk about how he is feeling about having a therapy session with his parents.

“Good morning Asher. So today is the first group therapy session with you and your parents. Are you having any thoughts or feelings about that?” His therapist, Mary, inquires after they settle back into their respected spots with her in her oversized accent chair and him on the black leather couch that he wonders if all therapists and psychiatrists have in their offices.

“I’m nervous,” Asher admits crossing his arms self-consciously over his chest.

“What’s making you nervous?” Mary asks turning to a fresh page in her notepad so that he can takes notes during their group session.

“That we have to talk about what happened that night,” Asher tells her knowing that the sooner he can have that conversation with his parents the better it will be for all of them.

“We don’t have to unless you want to,” Mary assures her patient with a kind smile.

“I want to. But I just don’t know how to explain it, so they’ll understand.” Asher explains wanting nothing more than to explain all of the things that he was feeling that night to his parents.

“Would you like for me to guide the conversation?” Mary offers slipping on her reading glasses before she flips back over briefly to the notes from their previous session where they had talked about that night.

“Yeah.” Asher decides with a nod thankful for the first time that they are going to have this hard conversation in his therapist’s office instead of at home.

“Okay. Anything else?” She wonders clicking the top of her pen down readying herself to take notes as she observes her notes about his and his parent’s dynamics that she jotted down during their last session.

“That’s all for today,” Asher tells her truthfully knowing that was all that he needed to get off his chest for today. 

“So, is it okay if I invite your parents in now?” She asks nodding toward her closed office door to where his parents are waiting behind it.

“Sure,” Asher tells her wiping off his sweaty palms off on the stiff denim material of his dark jeans with his heartbeat quickening with each step closer that she takes across the cream carpet closer to the door to let his parents inside the room.

“Good morning Mrs. and Mr. Adams.” His therapist greets them as she steps aside so that his parents can step inside the small office.

“We’re not married anymore.” Gwen corrects with a kind smile as she steps stiffly through the doorway closely followed by her ex-husband.

“Oh, my apologies then.” Mary apologies after she momentarily forgot that her patient’s parents are divorced and that his mom is now remarried.

“None needed. You can call me Gwen.” Gwen tells her son’s therapist

“And you can call me Harold,” Harold speaks up before he and his ex-wife sit down on either side of his son on the leather couch.

“Okay well in that case you both can call me Mary.” The therapist tells them as she takes her seat before she lays her notepad back onto her lap. “So, Asher is there anything you would like to start off our session by saying to your parents,” Mary suggests giving her patient the lead way that he had asked her for.

“That I’m sorry for all of this,” Asher says looking over to his parents who in response scoot closer to him.

“Asher, we’ve talked about this and you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Harold assures their son as he shares a knowing look with Asher’s mom.

“Do you want to tell them what you told me in our last session?” Mary asks looking down at her notes from their last session to read that her patient is still holding onto the guilt that is linked to his actions.

“I’m sorry because I feel like you both deserved someone better as your son.” He admits looking down at his lap.

“Oh, honey I…” Gwen starts to say before she trails off taking her son’s hand in her own.

“Now Asher would you like to tell them why you feel that way.” Mary wonders as she watches the two parents looking at their son with tear-filled eyes.

“Because I had tried for so long to hide all this pain inside of me and I failed them that night when I almost killed myself,” Asher explains how he had finally come to his breaking point that terrible, terrible night.

“Asher son please listen to me despite our past actions there is absolutely no one else that we could ever imagine as or want for our son,” Harold explains as he places his hand on his son’s shoulder so that he can give it a comforting squeeze.

“I want to believe that I really do. But every time that I do my mind screams at me that it is just a lie. But then I think back to how you both have been here for me and I realize that it has to be true.” Asher tells them honestly letting out a long breath as a stray tear slips down his cheek.

“It is true,” Gwen affirms brushing away the tear from her son’s face as she gives his hand a tight squeeze to reassure him that he isn’t alone.

“Asher would like to share with your parents why you almost swallowed those pills and why you didn’t?” Mary questions knowing that it is extremely important for his parents to understand why their son had spiraled so far.

“For a while, I had been feeling like the weight of the world had been pressing down on my shoulders and my chest and no matter what I did I was never good enough at anything or for anyone. So, I thought that everyone would just be better off without me around.” Asher admits with his voice breaking off at the end of his sentence since he just revealed the last of his feelings surrounding that night and how vulnerable that it makes him feel right now as both of his parents sniff loudly as they both start to cry from where they are sitting next to him.

“Oh, baby I’m so sorry. I had no idea…” Gwen stammers out as she chokes down the sob that is crawling up her already raw throat. 

“Yeah, son I’m so sorry too,” Harold tells his son feeling dumbfounded that his son was right there in front of him contemplating taking his own life possibly for weeks and he hadn’t even noticed until his son stumbled downstairs and shook him awake before he told him about almost swallowing his half bottle of muscle relaxers.

“It’s not your guys’ fault that I didn’t ask for help until it was almost too late.” Asher reasons with them not wanting them to feel guilty for something that was all of his fault. 

“Losing you Asher would have destroyed us. And I know that in the past you haven’t been our number one priority, but I promise that today and every day moving forward you are going to be.” It’s Asher’s mom this time that assures him that he now has his parent’s full support and their love.

“Thank you both for staying by my side even through all of this,” Asher tells his mom and dad hoping that they know how much having them with him through these past few weeks has meant so much to him and how much it has helped him to realize that he is worthy of getting better.

“There’s no place we would rather be,” Harold states hating how his son has ever felt that he wasn’t worthy of both of his parents staying by his side.

“We love you so much, baby,” Gwen tells him as she shares a watery smile with Harold both of them knowing that even though they are divorced now that there is one thing that remains true between and that is the fact that they both love their son more than anything in the world.

“I love you both too,” Asher whispers as he lets himself be wrapped in a tight hug by both his parent’s finally allowing himself to accept their love without his mind screaming at him that it isn’t real.

“Now Asher would you like to tell your parents what made you not swallow those pills that night?” Mary inquires after giving her patient and his parents several minutes to compose themselves.

“Um, yeah I had the pills in my mouth and then I got a text from Olivia, Jordan, and JJ,” Asher explains after his parents had pulled back out of their embrace, but they had still kept their hold on his shoulder and his hand.

“And why was the text so important for you to receive it that moment?” Asher’s therapist asks in a gentle tone as she observes how his parents still have their eyes glued to their son’s face as they wait for his answer.

“That I wasn’t alone and that they loved me because for so long I had felt like I was all alone and that I was unlovable,” Asher recalls as the text from his three best friends that saved his life that night flashes through his mind.

“And since then, your best friends and your parents have all reassured you multiple times that you are not alone and that you are very much loved by all of them. Would that be a correct observation?” Mary states looking at her patient’s face to see a rare smile flash across his young features.

“Absolutely,” Asher affirms with a nod as he looks to each of his parents with a feeling of immense gratitude filling him as they smile back at him.

“So, Asher is it okay if I talk to your parents alone for the remainder of our session?” Mary questions feeling satisfied that her patient was able to open up so much to his parents in this first session together.

“Yeah, that’d be okay.” Asher agrees with a nod as he scoots to the edge of the couch.

“So, I was thinking that we could have our next session on Thursday since I can check in with you about how your return to school is going. And I know that we usually have our sessions on Tuesdays and Fridays, but I thought since next week is the state championship game that you might want to take a little time off and enjoy some time with your friends.” Mary explains tapping on her tablet until she opens her calendar to add in the new appointment.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Asher says before he stands up from the couch.

“Okay, so I’ll see you Thursday at 3:30,” Mary tells her young patient with a warm smile.

“Sure thing.” He tells her returning her smile before he nods toward his parents before he turns toward the door.

“Would you two like to tell me now about how you both felt after you found out about what your son almost did that night?” Mary questions after Asher closes the door behind him as he is now out of earshot.

“I was more scared when he came downstairs and told me about how he almost swallowed my pills than I ever had been in my whole entire life,” Harold explains feeling guilty once more of how he had left his bottle of prescription muscle relaxers at his son’s disposal.

“And what about you Gwen?” Mary asks turning her attention over to the other mom who is sitting stiffly on the couch staring at the door that her son disappeared behind.

“When Harold called me in the middle of the night and told me about Asher my heart fell to the floor and I just couldn’t believe how much pain our son was going through without us even knowing. And I felt extremely guilty for leaving him when he needed me.” Gwen explains feeling her guilt resurface as she thinks back to how she has left her son behind in Beverly once unwilling after Harold had blackmailed her and the next time, she had willingly left him for her new husband.

“So, now that you are aware of what is going on with Asher how has that changed your relationship?” Mary inquires even though Asher has explained to her that his parents have started to be there for him ever since his near suicide attempt.

“We’ve started having our weekly breakfasts again and we talk every day on the phone now,” Gwen tells her as he blots away her mascara smeared tear tracks with the crumpled tissue feeling hopeful at the aspect of how she and her son have been able to reconnect over these last few weeks.

“That’s good.” Mary compliments sending her a nod before turning toward Harold.

“And we’ve been having nightly dinners since I’ve cut back my hours at the office. And we’ve been having good conversations about other things other than just football.” Harold explains thinking about how now each time he asks about his son’s day the first thing out of his mouth isn’t about football practices or his performance during a game.

“That’s very good as well. And have you two had any conversations about how you all are going to co-parent moving forward. Now, I know that Asher will be turning eighteen soon, but it is important that you both continue to be a united front for your son.” Mary informs them recalling that it is one of Asher’s fears about losing his parents again.

“We haven’t yet but we want to be a united front for him,” Gwen exclaims sharing a knowing look with Harold as they silently vow to always be there for their son.

“So, the most important thing for Asher going forward is for him to know that you both are there to support him regardless of what happens or what he is feeling.” The therapist tells them

“We can do that,” Harold affirms as he and Gwen both send the therapist determined nods.

“So, some ways that you can do that is by listening when he wants to talk about something that has happened in the past or about anything he is feeling. And it’s important to remember to always assure him that he is in a safe space and that he is loved and supported no matter how much of resistance he may put up to you both being there for him. But there may be times as well that just needs your presence and not your words.” Mary explains watching as a myriad of emotions flash across the worried parents’ faces before fading into a look of apprehension.

“And if he has thoughts again?” Harold asks the question that neither he or Gwen what to think about their son possibly having suicidal thoughts again.

“Then the most important that you both can do is to get help as soon as possible.” The therapist tells them holding their gazes. “Do you have his physiatrist’s’ personal cell phone number?” She asks as she searches for her own business card to give them.

“Yeah, she gave it to us before we left the hospital,” Gwen explains thinking back to how she immediately added the number into her contacts list before they even left the office.

“That’s good. And here is mine. My hours of availability are on the back of the card. But if he ever does have suicidal thoughts you all can call me at any time and any day.” She explains handing each of her patient’s parents a business card sending them a warm smile before they both glance nervously down at the small print.

“Thank you,” Harold says blankly as he slides the card into the card slot above his son’s health insurance card as he tries to process all the information that the therapist just gave them.

“Look I know this is a lot right now. But in the few sessions that I have had with your son he has been very forthcoming with me and his outlook on life in general overall seems to be more positive. So, I am very hopeful that if he continues with his current medications and our therapy sessions than I have no doubt that he is going to heal more and more each day.” Mary tells Asher’s parents sending them an encouraging smile as she thinks back to how her patient could barely say one word when he first came to her without breaking down into sobs and how now he was able to openly share more of his thoughts and feelings with her.

“We are hoping for that too,” Gwen states feeling a renewed sense of hope that her son is going to be okay.

“So, would you both like to join Asher for another therapy session next month?” Mary asks tapping on the November month calendar view on her tablet as she looks for an open appointment in her schedule.

“That’d be great.” Harold answers for them both after Gwen sends him a nod of agreeance.

“Okay unless either of you have any more questions for me that will be all for our session today.” The therapist explains after she writes the appointment date and time on two appointment cards for her patient’s parents as she hands the cards to them.

“I don’t have any,” Gwen tells her sliding the appointment card into her wallet along with the card with the therapist’s number without even looking at the date as she decides there is absolutely nothing or no one that is going to keep her from being here for her son.

“I don’t either,” Harold says shaking his head as he slides the appointment card into his own wallet.

“Okay then I will see you both with your son next month,” Mary exclaims getting up from her chair to follow the parents to the door.

“See you then,” Harold says over his shoulder before he steps through the door following his ex-wife out into the waiting room where their son is waiting for them in one of the chairs that line the wall with the only window looking out into the busy street.

“Are you ready to go Asher?” Harold asks barely listening as the therapist calls her next patient into her office before the door clicks shut sealing their conversation behind it with a sense of confidentially.

“Yeah,” Asher says with a nod as he lays the same copy of _Sports Illustrated_ down on the end table that his dad was looking at before he follows his parents out of the office and out into the bright sunlight.

“So, since it’s still a few hours since your appointment to get your stitches out what do you say we all go grab some lunch together.” Harold offers as he stalls on the sidewalk in front of his and Gwen’s cars.

“Some lunch would be really nice,” Gwen exclaims with a warm smile as they both turn toward their son to see if he is up for it as well.

“I can eat.” Asher agrees with a light chuckle. “Um, dad is it okay if I ride with mom to the restaurant?” He asks hesitantly turning toward his dad as he doesn’t want to hurt his feelings as he feels like he is choosing between his parents.

“Well, we could all ride together if you like?” Gwen suggests after noticing the uncertainty in her son’s voice and eyes.

“Actually, I think it would be great for you two to spend some time together.” Harold decides sending his son an encouraging smile before he steps off the sidewalk as he unlocks his car door. “I’ll meet you both there.” He calls sending them a wave before he gets in behind the steering wheel.

“Shall we?” Gwen asks gesturing toward her car after they watch Harold back out of his parking spot.

“Yeah,” Asher says with a nod as he rounds the front of his mom’s SUV that he assumes his stepdad, Jacob, bought for her before he climbs into the passenger seat.

“Have you and Jacob decided when you’re going to go on your honeymoon again?” Asher asks after his mom pulls out of the parking lot as he wants nothing more but for his mom to be happy.

“Not yet but we will sometime.” Gwen says as the thought of going on another honeymoon and leaving behind her son when he needs her has been the farthest thing from her mind these last few weeks. “And maybe we can go on another cruise next summer before you go off to college.” She suggests remembering how much fun they had together over the summer.

“I would like that mom.” He tells his mom as he decides not to mention that he isn’t even sure if he is actually going to college, but he still has time to decide on that.

“Good,” Gwen says with a nod allowing a smile to flash across her face. “So, how have things been between you and Olivia?” She asks realizing she doesn’t really know anything about her son’s life other than he tried to kill himself and that now he is trying his hardest to live again.

“We broke up right after I came back from your and Jacob’s wedding,” Asher explains even though it still hurts when he thinks about his and Olivia’s break up.

“Oh, honey I’m so sorry to hear that,” Gwen tells her son mentally kicking herself as the thought that they may have broken up had never crossed her mind.

“Thanks. It was hard at first but now things are good between me and Liv.” Asher is quick to assure her since he and Olivia are now going to be okay.

“That’s good,” Gwen says with a nod before she makes a right turn. “So, is there another special girl or guy in your life right now?” She asks tapping her thumbs nervously against the steering wheel.

“Mom…” Asher says trailing off as he shakes his head at his mom’s question.

“What I can’t ask about my son’s life,” Gwen exclaims biting her bottom lip as she tries hard not to let a smile spread across her face.

“Yeah, you can. But there’s no special someone right now just my three best friends.” Asher explains feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment as this is the first time that his mom has been interested in who he was dating since he asked if he and Olivia were dating when she had come back to Beverly after being gone from his life for nearly a year.

“Okay. And they have seemed to really have stepped up for you when you needed them the most.” Gwen observes deciding to let the topic of her son’s dating life go for now as she was just happy to know that he had three close friends that were they for him even when no one else was.

“Yeah, they really did. But so, have you and dad.” Asher tells her sending her a grateful smile.

“Sorry, it took us so long to do so.” Gwen apologizes knowing that it is going to take a long time for to fully forgive herself for putting her life first over her son’s.

“I’m just glad that you both did,” Asher exclaims before unbuckling his seatbelt after his mom had pulled into an empty parking spot

“And we’re not going anywhere,” Gwen affirms giving her son’s hand a gentle, reassuring squeeze before they both get out of the car to meet his dad for lunch as they continue to heal their broken family dynamic.

***

After Asher has been waiting on the exam table for the doctor to come in to remove his stitches his phone buzzes on the table beside as the parchment-like paper underneath him crinkles as he reaches for his phone to find a text from JJ flashing on his screen.

 _Hey, Ash I just wanted to check in on you after your therapy session._ Is JJ’s message that Asher isn’t surprised to receive after he had messaged him earlier this morning.

 _Hey, JJ. Thanks for asking. I’m okay it went surprisingly well. How was school today?_ Asher replies pausing for a moment when he hears footsteps approach outside of the closed door before they need disappear down the hall to another exam room.

 _Good, I’m glad okay. School droned on and on today. No football practice though. So, do you want to hang out later?_ JJ responds after he climbs into his car thankful that the long as hell day is finally over as he stares intently at his phone as the three bubbles instantly appear to let him know that Asher is typing out a reply.

 _I’m at the doctor right now but we can hang after._ Asher informs his best friend hating how most of their conversations lately have been centered around his medical issues. 

_Sure, thing Ash. Hope it goes good._ JJ replies following his words with a smiling face emoji.

 _It will. See you soon._ Asher texts back right before the click of the door opening echoes through the white-walled exam room as the doctor wearing a warm smile steps through the door.

Asher takes in a deep breath as the doctor informs him that he is about to remove the last stitch from his left calve as he nods in response.

“So, your cuts have closed and healed really well.” The doctor starts to explain as Asher presses his lips into a firm line to stop himself from correcting the doctor that his cuts are self-inflicted, but he decides against it. “Now the skin around the scars may itch for a few days while it continues to heal, but an over-the-counter anti-itch cream should do the trick.” He informs his patient after he takes off his latex gloves.

“Okay. Thank you.” Asher tells the doctor as he takes the hand that the doctor extends out to him to shake before he gratefully gets up from the exam table.

“JJ what are you doing here?” Asher asks after he steps out into the waiting room to find his best friend is now sitting in the same chair that he had left his dad behind in when the nurse called him back for his appointment.

“Your dad had a meeting with his sponsor, so I offered to wait for you,” JJ explains standing up as he follows his best friend out of the door.

“So, he was going to miss the meeting with his sponsor because of my doctor appointment?” Asher questions after the door falls shut behind them as he turns to face his best friend who is sending him his signature lopsided grin as he instantly feels guilty that his dad was willing to put his needs on the back burner for him once again.

“Actually, no I offered to wait for you, and then he decided since he was in town that he would try to connect with his sponsor.” JJ corrects as he sees the way that his best friend’s eyes now hold a look of uncertainty in them.

“Oh,” Asher says breathing a sigh of relief as he follows JJ through the parking lot to his car.

“How did your appointment go?” JJ asks over the sound of his car unlocking.

“Okay. I just got my stitches out.” Asher answers with a shrug even though he is thankful to get the stitches out that have been pulling as his skin grew back together that he had willingly sliced open.

“Good. Do you want to grab an early dinner?” JJ suggests since he had offered to drop off Asher later at his house once they got a chance to hang out.

“Sure.” Asher agrees earning him a happy smile from his best friend before they climb into his car.

“So, are you thinking pizza or Mexican?” JJ asks after he pulls into the shopping center with a dozen or so restaurant options. 

“How about some Mexican.” Asher decides as he remembers back to the last time, they had gone out for Mexican food was with team before the Homecoming game last year.

“Sounds good to me it’s been forever since we’ve had it,” JJ exclaims not showing any indication that he remembers of the events that followed their last trip to this restaurant.

Asher follows silently beside JJ as he listens as he tells him about the coach’s game plan for the championship game next Friday that he has to agree that it is a very good plan for _Beverly_ to win another state championship title.

“It’s going to be so damn weird not having you out there on the field with us Ash,” JJ exclaims thinking to how the first time he and the team had huddle on the sidelines before the first game he had looked to give his best friend an nod of encouragement but instead it was Butler who was standing next to him and not Asher.

“I know. But I’ll still be in the stands cheering you guys on.” Asher promises knowing that there is no way that he is going to miss JJ and Jordan’s final football games as seniors. “And besides if the early rumors are true I here that a _USC_ scout has been very impressed with what he has been seeing this year out there on the field.” He exclaims recalling how Jordan had told him about the early offer that JJ had gotten from the football scout.

“It’s still early but I do think this could really happen Ash,” JJ says with a wide grin as he moves behind Asher so that a couple can pass by them on the sidewalk.

“It’s going to happen JJ,” Asher assures him trying to focus on his breathing as JJ’s warm breath tickles the back of his neck.

“I hope you’re right Ash,” JJ tells his best friend letting their shoulders brush as he steps back in line with Asher.

“I am.” Asher corrects with a smirk as he follows JJ’s gaze to the person standing in front of them as they pace in front of the shops. 

“Yo, what’s up Spence man!” JJ exclaims as the other teen turns to pace in their direction as he looks up at his name being called out by the Beverly linebacker. 

“What’s good Parker?” Spencer greets grasping onto the other teen’s hand before they clasped each other on the back in a bro-hug motion.

“Oh, not much we’re just about to beat Crenshaw's asses at the state championship next Friday night,” JJ says sending the Crenshaw wide receiver a teasing smirk.

“Well, we’ll see about that,” Spencer tells him with a small chuckle before he turns his attention to his once rival teammate. “It’s good to see you, Asher.” He tells the shorter teen as he nods at him in greeting.

“Yeah, you too Spencer. So, what brings you to Beverly?” Asher says keeping his voice measured as he is more than ready to make amends with Olivia’s new boyfriend.

“Me and Liv were just…” Spencer starts to explain before the bell above the shop door chimes as it opens, and Olivia walks out of the store.

“Hey, babe I got everything I came for,” Olivia exclaims looking down at the receipt to double-check that the cashier had applied her coupon. “Oh, hey Asher. Hey JJ.” She says after she looks up to find her ex-boyfriend and her twin’s best friend standing across from her current boyfriend as she glances between their faces to find them all wearing relaxed expressions.

“Hey, Liv.” Asher greets sending her a small wave as he watches with a neutral expression as Spencer interlaces his fingers through hers.

“So, me and Ash were just going to get some early dinner if you guys want to join us,” JJ explains with an easy smile.

“I’m down. How about you Liv?” Spencer asks looking over to Olivia as he waits for her answer.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Olivia exclaims with a soft smile as she tucks a lock of her once again curly hair behind her ear as they all turn toward Asher.

“Ash? JJ questions nudging his shoulder hoping that he hasn’t overstepped by inviting people into their meal when his friend wasn’t ready for that just yet.

“Sure.” Asher agrees letting a grin slide across his face.

“Cool because I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Crenshaw,” JJ explains abandoning Asher and his plans for Mexican.

“Crenshaw?” Spencer asks searching the linebacker’s face with an intense curiosity.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that you had a damn sandwich named after you. So, of course, I want to try it out.” JJ tells the group as he flashes his phone screen toward the Crenshaw native to show him the picture of the sandwich that someone had posted on _Instagram._

“Okay. Alight if you want to.” Spencer says with a nod almost rolling his eyes at how people are actually posting the sandwich on social media.

“Hell, yeah let’s go get ourselves a _Spencer James_ special,” JJ exclaims leading the way back to the parking lot.

“Hey, Ash wait up just a minute,” Olivia calls after her ex-boyfriend after she had let go of Spencer’s hand as she whispered to him that she needed just a minute to talk with Asher.

“Yeah, Liv?” Asher asks after JJ and Spencer walk ahead of them as he turns back around to the girl, his best friend, that he still holds so much love for in his heart.

“Are you okay with seeing me with Spencer?” She asks finally voicing the question that has been on her mind since she walked out of the store and had come face to face with him. 

“Yeah, and seeing how happy you two are with each other makes me happy too. And I’ll be honest that it did hurt the first few times that I saw you together, but I’m cool with it.” Asher explains no longer feeling weighed down by the thoughts of he and Olivia are no longer together as he is just happy to have his best friend back.

“I’m sorry.” Olivia apologizes hating how much she had hurt Asher when she broke up with him and then everything that followed their breakup.

“No don’t be Liv besides, we’ve always been better as best friends anyway.” He explains quickly not wanting her to feel guilty for another second about breaking up with him.

“Yeah, that is true.” She agrees before sending him her signature sweet smile before she gives him a quick hug.

“So, best friend should we go try us one of those _Spencer_ sandwiches?” He inquires nodding toward the parking lot.

“We better before JJ eats them all.” Olivia teases with a playful smile.

“You know JJ and his eating competitions.” Asher jokes back joining in on her laughter as she hooks her arm through is and they start walking to catch up with JJ and Spencer who are waiting for them by Olivia’s silver car.

***

Waking up thirty minutes before his alarm goes off on Monday morning Asher finds himself smiling as he reads the message in his and his best friends’ group as they send him a myriad of encouraging texts since today is his first day back at school since he almost made the worst mistake of his life – almost choosing not to live anymore.

After sending them back a message to say that he would see them soon at school Asher gets out of bed with a renewed energy that he honestly can’t remember the last time he has felt before he picks up the clothes, he had sat out the night before on his desk chair on his way to the shower.

Toweling off before he pulls the black short-sleeved shirt over his head he meets his gaze sending his reflection a nod as he has proudly made the choice not to hide his self-harm scars today.

 _Part of healing is accepting my past and my scars._ He repeats his therapist’s advice that he has able to fully embrace today. 

A knock sounds on the closed unlocked bathroom door as he is styling his hair for the first time, he months as his dad's voice calls from the other side to ask if he’s ready.

“Good morning dad. Yeah, I’m ready now.” Asher explains after he placed his clothes in the hamper as he steps out into the hallway with his dad.

“You look like you slept well son,” Harold observes as takes in the way his son’s eyes are fully open and the way the dark circles that use to shadow the thin skin under his eyes were becoming permanent like a tattoo have now faded to a light blue.

“I did sleep really good,” Asher tells his dad as he leads the way back to his room where he picks up his backpack filled with all of his schoolwork that his teacher had sent for him to complete at home while he was off by the order of his psychiatrist.

“That’s good.” Harold agrees sending his son a warm smile as he turns to follow him down the stairs. “So, are you sure you’re ready to go back to school?” He questions as he watches his son slip on his shoes by the front door.

“I’m more than ready,” Asher assures his dad, and he is so happy that it is actually true. 

“You still have time for some breakfast if you would for me to make you something.” Harold offers even though his shift at the office is supposed to start in thirty minutes.

“Thanks, dad. But I can grab something at school because besides you might just make it to the office on time today.” Asher tells his dad hoping that he knows how truly grateful he is for the offer.

“My boss has been very accommodating throughout all of this,” Harold states knowing that he needs to at very least get his dad a thank you card for being so understanding while Asher was in the hospital and for even after when he came home.

“And tell him I said thank you too, but I think we can both now finally get back to a normal routine and a sense of normalcy,” Asher exclaims, and his dad is filled with so much pride and hope at his son’s words as he marvels how far he has come in just a few short weeks. 

“One day at a time,” Harold repeats the statement that he knows he has heard from a doctor or he has read in a pamphlet somewhere over these last few weeks.

“Absolutely.” Asher agrees with a nod.

“Well, just know that you can still call me today if you need anything,” Harold says as he watches as Asher pulls open the front door smiling out into the driveway when he sees his son’s three best friends waiting for him out in the driveway.

“Thanks, dad. And I will.” Asher promises before he turns around to find that his dad wasn’t only smiling at him but at the two cars parked behind their own. “What are you guys doing here?” He asks in disbelief as he stops alongside Jordan’s Mustang after he and his dad walk down the front porch steps.

“You didn’t think that we were actually going to let your first day back at school go uncelebrated, did you?” Jordan questions after he puts the top down on his convertible.

“No,” Asher answers shaking his head before he waves to Olivia who is sitting in Jordan’s passenger seat, and then over to JJ who is sitting in his own car.

“You can ride with me if you want to Ash,” JJ informs as he waves him over to his car.

“Have a great day at school son,” Harold tells his son as he watches the scene before him play out with a grateful smile lighting up his face.

“And you have a great day at work dad,” Asher says before he rounds the front of Jordan’s Mustang walking over to JJ’s car as he waves to his dad before he slides into the passenger seat.

“Ready to go back to school Ash?” JJ asks after he backs out of the Adams’ driveway.

“Yeah, I am,” Asher answers with a nod knowing that it is going to feel so good to finally get back to a normal routine.

“Well, it’s good to have you back,” JJ tells him sending him his signature lopsided grin.

After making his grand entrance through the school’s front doors that actually turned out to be not that grand at all which he was so thankful for Asher walks down the familiar hall toward his locker.

“Hey, Asher,” Layla says leaning her shoulder onto the locker to Asher’s.

“Hey, Layla,” Asher says back as he puts in his combination that he somehow still remembers.

“How are you doing?” She asks slipping her arm through the other strap on her backpack.

“Better.” He answers truthfully knowing that it feels so good to be able to say that one simple word.

“I’m glad to hear that.” She tells him before she takes a brief pause in between her sentences. “So, um I know that we haven’t really talk much at all since our breakup last year and since I kicked you out of my house. But I just wanted to tell you that if you ever never need to talk about anything since we went through a lot of the same things that I’m here.” She offers sending him a nervous smile hoping that her words came out genuine because she meant every word.

“Thanks. And I would like to extend the same olive branch out to you too Layla.” He tells her returning her smile. “Friends?” He asks extending out his hand for her to shake.

“Friends.” She affirms ignoring his extended hand as she wraps her arms around him for a quick hug that he returns. “Well, I should get to class.” She says after the first warning bell rings.

“Right, me too. See you later friend.” He agrees sending her a small wave as he shoulders his backpack.

“For sure friend.” She says waving back before she turns away from him as she walks down the hallway toward her first class.

“So, what was that about?” JJ asks coming up from behind Asher as he watches Layla’s retreating form with narrowed eyes.

“Just a friendly conversation,” Asher explains refraining from the urge to roll his eyes at his best friend’s sharp tone after he shuts his locker.

“Okay. Are you ready for first period?” JJ questions changing the subject as they walk down the hall to their first class of the day that they share.

“Actually yeah,” Asher answers with a nod before he waves to two members of the football team that passes by them.

“Good because I’ve been keeping your seat warm for you,” JJ informs him with a wide grin as he thinks about how nice it’s going to be finally to have his best friend back in the desk in front him.

“I never doubted that,” Asher tells him returning his grin before they walk through the doorway of their first-period class as they take their seats.

***

On Friday night, the night of state championship game between the _South Crenshaw Chargers_ and the _Beverly Eagles_ , Asher sits alone on the bleachers with the spot to the right of him vacant after he receives a text from Olivia to let him know that she hasn’t gotten lost and that she is still in the line at the concession stands.

 _So, are you seriously not going to wish me good luck before the biggest game of my high school football career?_ Flashes JJ’s text across Asher’s screen followed by a nervous face emoji as he waits for Olivia to return with their popcorn.

 _Not that you need it but good luck number forty-seven._ Asher responds following his own text with an upside-down smiley face.

 _Thanks. I’ll see you after the game?_ JJ wonders with the energy in the locker room becoming tenser as the start time for the game edges closer and closer.

 _Win or lose I’ll be there to tell you how amazing you played._ Asher assures his best friend hoping that their time after the game will be celebratory.

 _I’m counting on it_. JJ immediately texts back before he places his phone onto the shelf in his locker as the coach begins his last pre-game speech to the senior players on the team.

“They were out of the kettle corn, so I had to get you just plain butter popcorn,” Olivia explains handing Asher a paper of the delicious smelling popcorn after she takes her seat next to him on the bleachers.

“Thar’s okay I like butter popcorn too,” Asher tells her with a shrug sending her a grateful smile.

“I remember from all of our times that we’ve watched movies together.” Olivia reminds him returning his smile.

“You know you better and be glad that I’m your best friend Liv,” Asher states after they both have eaten a handful of popcorn. 

“Oh, yeah and why is that?” She questions arching her eyebrow as her eyes shine with curiosity.

“Because nobody else would let you sit here dressed like that.” He explains looking at her jersey before he looks around at the sea of red and blue that surrounds them in the bleachers.

“Like what?” She asks with her brow furrowing in confusion.

“A _Crenshaw Chargers_ fan instead of a _Beverly Eagles_ fan.” He states pointing toward her yellow and green jersey before he points to his own red and blue one. 

“Don’t you worry my heart is still with the red and blue.” She affirms waving her red and blue poms-poms in front of his face.

“Good. Because for a second there I thought you were being a traitor.” He tells with a light-hearted laugh.

“Never.” She promises as she crosses her heart before joining in on his laughter. “So, what’s up with you and JJ?” She questions not missing the way that last Friday she had caught the longing looks that Asher and JJ had sent each other while they ate their dinner.

“What do you mean?” Asher asks as it’s his turn to be confused.

“Well, for starters you’re wearing one of his old jerseys,” Olivia explains pointing at the jersey that Asher is wearing plainly has the last name Parker spelled out in white all capitated letters on the back.

“Only because I split a smoothie on my shirt,” Asher tells her feeling his cheeks heat up as they had when JJ had pulled the jersey out of his backseat for him to put after he dabbed off the mango-flavored smoothie from his stained jersey for him. 

“Okay whatever you say, Ash,” Oliva says holding her hands up in mock defeat before she throws a piece of popcorn which hits Asher in this chest just above the red number forty-seven.

“At least my jersey is the right team color.” Asher teases back before he throws a piece of his own popcorn at Olivia just before his dad slides into a vacant spot on his left and Olivia’s parents sit down next to her as the marching band begins to play their school song signaling that it is the start of the game.

After the game that Beverly fought hard to win as Crenshaw put up one hell of a fight, Asher swallows to find his throat dry and raw after all the cheering he did as he hopes he still has a voice left as he makes his way down the bleachers to wait for JJ to come out of the locker room after his post-game shower sot that he can congratulate him on his win.

Fifteen minutes later when Asher was sure that he had missed JJ somehow in the big crowd he smiles when he sees the platinum blonde walking alone toward him out of the locker room.

“Congrats on your second state championship win Parker.” Asher instantly congratulates JJ as he holds his hand out for their secret handshake.

“Thanks, Adams,” JJ says as they perform their handshake as both of them try to ignore the spark they feel when their skin connects. “So, there’s going to be a party at Butler’s to celebrate our win. If you want to come.” He explains hating how there is a coldness spreading through his hand with Asher’s hand grasped around his own.

“I’m not really in the party mood tonight,” Asher tells him biting him his bottom lip as he watches how JJ’s face falls at his words.

“Are you okay?” JJ asks hoping that he hasn’t missed one of the warning signs that Asher told him to watch out for.

“Oh, yeah I am fine it’s just I’m not really ready for a big crowd yet. I’m sorry.” Asher explains feeling guilty at the way his words were able to erase the smile from his friend’s happy face as he refrains himself from brushing JJ’s bangs back that have fallen into his eyes.

“Hey, I get it. And remember I’m number two on your speed dial if you need anything.” JJ tells him holding onto his best friend’s gaze for a moment longer as he searches his face. 

“I remember. Now go celebrate your second state championship win Parker.” Asher says as he sends him a wide grin nodding toward the parking lot.

“Okay, Adams.” JJ decides with a nod before he jogs to catch up with some of the other seniors who waiting for him in the parking lot as he feels Asher’s eyes on him the whole way. 

Later once his dad has gone to bed Asher sits up alone on the couch with the muted television only on for the light as he stares down at the sleeping pill on the coffee table next to the bottle of water deciding he'll take it later as he continues to scroll through _Instagram_ looking through the other students’ snapshots of the state championship game and of Butler’s party.

 _Are you still up? Can we talk?_ Comes JJ’s text at 11:38 p.m. which Asher is confused by because he was sure it would be at least noon tomorrow before he heard from him since he was celebrating Beverly High’s second state championship win at Butler’s party.

 _Yeah, I’m up. Call or text?_ Asher responds curiously as to what his best friend could be wanting at this late of an hour.

 _Outside. I’m on your front porch._ JJ responds not even five seconds later as Asher glances toward the front door before he texts back his one-word response.

 _Okay._ He types out before he turns off the television as he stands up from the couch making his way quickly to the front door.

“Is everything okay JJ?” Asher asks after he steps out onto the front porch into cool night air instantly regretting that he didn’t grab his denim jacket off the back of the couch.

“Yeah,” JJ says with a nod as he shoves his shaking hands deep into the pockets of his tight light-washed skinny jeans.

“I thought Butler was having a party.” Asher wonders noticing that he doesn’t smell any alcohol on JJ’s breath which he is grateful for since JJ drove himself to his house.

“He still is.” JJ answers with a nod as his ears are still trying to adjust to the normal level of sound around him since he is now away from the loud music coming from the speakers hanging on the wall of the other teen’s glasshouse with its too crowded rooms and too many unfamiliar faces. 

“Did something happen?” Asher questions searching his best friend’s face for answers but a look of resolve across his features.

“No, it’s just the person I wanted to celebrate with wasn’t at the party,” JJ admits taking a step closer to Asher as he holds his gaze.

“Oh…” Asher says trailing off as he tries his best to hide the shiver that shakes its way up his spine and throughout his body.

“Look Ash I care a lot about you,” JJ explains fighting the urge to shrug off his jacket so that he can wrap it around the other boy’s shaking shoulders.

“I know you do JJ we’re best friends,” Asher exclaims not allowing himself to read between the lines of what his best friend just told him. 

“It’s more than that,” JJ states flicking his gaze down to Asher’s slightly parted lips before he locks their gazes again.

“What do you mean?” Asher asks even though the way he had wanted to brush JJ’s bangs out of his eyes when he was congratulating him after their win tells him that he knows exactly what the taller boy in front of him is trying to tell him.

“When I heard what that you almost swallowed those pills well it damn near broke my heart,” JJ admits with tears burning in his blue eyes as he places a hesitant hand on Asher’s shoulder that is only covered with the thin material of his white t-shirt that if he is being honest with himself looks absolutely stunning on him.

“I’m sorry.” Asher immediately apologizes as he drops his eyes to the centimeter of concrete that separates their shoes hating how much he has hurt the people around with him with his actions that were only meant to end his own pain and not cause anyone else pain.

“Please don’t apologize, Ash,“ JJ tells him letting out a long breath before he continues as he gathers up the courage to say his next sentence out loud that he has been going over and over in his head for weeks now or actually been years since he has wanted to. “But it made me realize that I love you more than just as my best friend.” He admits sliding his hand off Asher’s shoulder before he slides his hand all the down his chill bump covered arm leaving behind a wash of warmth as he does before, he grasps onto his hand.

“I don’t know what to say.” Asher stammers out looking down at their clasped hands.

“I knew I was making a mistake,” JJ whispers with more tears filling his eyes but this time for a completely different reason as he tries to pull his hand free of Asher’s barely there grasp.

“What? No, JJ it’s not a mistake.” Asher is quick to correct as he tightens his grip on JJ’s hand willing him to stay so that he can explain.

“Are you saying what I think you are?” JJ says glancing down at their joined hands that are both equally grasping now before he meets Asher’s softened blue eyes.

“Yeah,” Asher affirms with a nod sending JJ a small smile before he continues. “You’ve always been there for me when I needed you. And I’ve always felt this special pull between us that I just tried to explain away that it was because we are best friends, but I know that it was something more. So much more.” He explains as JJ cups either side of his face as he leans in close as Asher prepares him for a kiss, but JJ instead lays his forehead against his.

“I’ve waited so long for you to say those words to me, Ash,” JJ says in a low voice as he feels in this quiet moment more elated than he did when he and Beverly Eagles won the state championship just a few hours ago.

“So, does that mean we are?” Asher questions not knowing really what to label his own sexuality as or what to label what this is between him and JJ.

“All it means is that we love each other. We don’t have to label it as anything.” JJ tells him before he kisses him lightly on the forehead before he pulls back slightly so that he can look Asher in the eyes. “Is it okay if I kiss you right now?” JJ questions licking his lips that he hopes aren’t too dry as he waits for an agonizing second for Asher to answer.

“I thought you would never ask,” Asher affirms as he lets JJ wrap his hand around the back of his neck before he fingers find their way into his hair before he cups JJ’s cheek in his own hand that he knows has turned into an ice cube before they allow the magnetic pull between them finally bring their lips to meet in a kiss that feels so damn right. That feels like home.

“I love you, Ash,” JJ whispers against Asher’s lips once they pull back for air as he pulls him in even closer to his much warmer body as he feels Asher shiver once more against a gust of cold air that brushes across their flushed skin. 

“I love you too JJ,” Asher whispers back before he presses his lips to JJ’s smiling mouth again in a much hungrier and more searing kiss than before as he lets the weight of the world fall off his shoulders as he lets himself be held.

As he lets himself be loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about the final chapter of this story that I hope that you have enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> And please let me know if you enjoyed the twist ending that I wrote! Were you surprised by JJ's admission? Do you like the pairing of JJ/Asher? I would love to know your feelings on this. (I hope that you liked the ending though because I've had it planned since the beginning of this story.) <3
> 
> If you did enjoy this chapter, then please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos!
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛
> 
> Thank y'all so much for reading my story and for your support throughout it! I honestly can't thank you guys enough! <3
> 
> And since you all have loved this story so much, I am so very happy to announce that there is going to be a sequel story that will have five chapters and will be called _Weight of Your Love_ \- which I can't wait to share with y'all! The sequel is going to be about JJ and Asher navigating their new relationship. 
> 
> I will be posting the first chapter of the sequel, _Weight of Your Love_ , on February 22nd! 
> 
> Let me know if you have any predictions on what is going to happen in the story or if there is anything you want to see happen. <3

**Author's Note:**

> So, I would love to know what y'all thought about this first chapter and this story so far which I hope that you enjoyed reading! <3
> 
> If you did please leave me a comment with your thoughts and/or a kudos! 
> 
> Your guy's comments and kudos make my day and make me smile! 💛


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